remember


                    
                    
                

                

                

            

        
    







            

            
            

                

                    
                

                

                    

                        


	

	
    
        

            

                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

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Enjoy

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

        Aays
        

            
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Aays

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

         always remember
        

            
             always remember
        

    

    

         
 always remember

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

         wear
        

            
             wear
        

    

    

         
 wear

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

        ifs
        

            
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ifs

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

        yours
        

            
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ons

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

        hai
        

            
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hai

    



                
                    
                    
                    
                    

    

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oh yeah

    



                
            

        

    
    

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    Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually saidĀ in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ā€˜Where am I, Cathy?ā€™ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I canā€™t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isnā€™t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnā€™t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Heā€™s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town Iā€™m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oralā€¦_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration 
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually saidĀ in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ā€˜Where am I, Cathy?ā€™ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I canā€™t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isnā€™t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnā€™t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Heā€™s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town Iā€™m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oralā€¦_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration 
                
            

            
            
feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a...

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                




    Dad, Food, and Girls: Farhan
 Follow
 @Ahwhateverr
 Now that I know what type of
 watermelon to pick up from the local
 food store, i'm ready to become a dad.

 Kaveri Shenoy
 O+
 April 4 at 4:39 AM-
 Tips
 GOOD
 THE BEST
 WATERY
 SWEET
 4. 'Boy' and 'girl' watermelons: Many people do not
 know that farmers differentiate watermelons by
 gender. For example, 'boys' are bigger, have an
 elongated shape, and a watery taste. The 'girls' have
 2. Look for the field spot: The yellow spot, known as
 the field spot, is the place where the watermelon
 rested on the ground. Ripe watermelons always
 have creamy yellow or even orange-yellow spots,
 5. Inspect the tail: A dried tail indicates that the
 watermelon is ripe. However, if the tail is green, it
 probably means that the watermelon was picked
 too soon and will not be ripe
 Remember to kindly like and share this post to
 others.
 3. Pay attention to the size: It is better to choose
 neither the largest nor the smallest watermelon.
 Select an average-sized fuit. And note, please:
 large or small, the watermelon should feel heavy for
 its size.
 Like
 Share
 Comment

 Follow
 @blurrbubble
 My dad just slaps it and knows
 Farhan @Ahwhateverr
 Now that I know what type of watermelon to pick up from
 mme'er
 the local food store, i'm ready to become a dad.
 Show this thread
 2:21 PM-12 Apr 2019
 F#x
 XY"eitiil Retweets
 il@).il,'il42 likes
honeyngld:
jooshcognito:

gahdamnpunk:
Itā€™s cause all dads speak in watermelon

Me, slapping a bothered watermelon in the Safeway produce section: Hnnng yea she riddy 


My mom just flicks it, it has to be a southern thing

    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Dad, Food, and Girls: Farhan
 Follow
 @Ahwhateverr
 Now that I know what type of
 watermelon to pick up from the local
 food store, i'm ready to become a dad.

 Kaveri Shenoy
 O+
 April 4 at 4:39 AM-
 Tips
 GOOD
 THE BEST
 WATERY
 SWEET
 4. 'Boy' and 'girl' watermelons: Many people do not
 know that farmers differentiate watermelons by
 gender. For example, 'boys' are bigger, have an
 elongated shape, and a watery taste. The 'girls' have
 2. Look for the field spot: The yellow spot, known as
 the field spot, is the place where the watermelon
 rested on the ground. Ripe watermelons always
 have creamy yellow or even orange-yellow spots,
 5. Inspect the tail: A dried tail indicates that the
 watermelon is ripe. However, if the tail is green, it
 probably means that the watermelon was picked
 too soon and will not be ripe
 Remember to kindly like and share this post to
 others.
 3. Pay attention to the size: It is better to choose
 neither the largest nor the smallest watermelon.
 Select an average-sized fuit. And note, please:
 large or small, the watermelon should feel heavy for
 its size.
 Like
 Share
 Comment

 Follow
 @blurrbubble
 My dad just slaps it and knows
 Farhan @Ahwhateverr
 Now that I know what type of watermelon to pick up from
 mme'er
 the local food store, i'm ready to become a dad.
 Show this thread
 2:21 PM-12 Apr 2019
 F#x
 XY"eitiil Retweets
 il@).il,'il42 likes
honeyngld:
jooshcognito:

gahdamnpunk:
Itā€™s cause all dads speak in watermelon

Me, slapping a bothered watermelon in the Safeway produce section: Hnnng yea she riddy 


My mom just flicks it, it has to be a southern thing

                
            

            
            
honeyngld:
jooshcognito:

gahdamnpunk:
Itā€™s cause all dads speak in watermelon

Me, slapping a bothered watermelon in the Safeway produce se...