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🔥 | Latest

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Sheek
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Sheek

Sheek

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Me irl
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Me irl

Me irl

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes) What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the wayI like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star (Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould (Belches) Go! Go! (Record Scratching) Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Gasping) -Right. (Roaring) Shouting) {Roaring) {Whispers) This is the part where you run away. {Gasping) (Laughs) {Laughing} And stay right. This one's full. -Take it away! (Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding) -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (Gasps) -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. (Grunts) -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man) -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? (Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles) -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. Ilike that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -Ilike my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. (Sighs) l mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering) -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? (Grunts) -Hey! Snickers) -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? (Gasps) {Male voice) What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! Cackling) -What? Quit it. -Don't push. [Squeaking) {Lows) - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! (Gasping)} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he.... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs) -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring) -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! (Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Cheering) (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. (Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) -That's enough. He's ready to talk. (Coughing) {Laughing) {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens) -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping) -Oh! -Magic mirror --Don't tell him anything! -No! (Gingerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can eaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives rrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? (Shudders) Three? -Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs) {Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams) -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just -I just - {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) (Chuckles) {Sighs) -It's quiet. Too quiet. (Creaking) -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line nd we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect. place {Camera shutter clicks (Whirring) -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. Trumpet fanfare} (Crowd cheering) -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering) -That champion shall have the honour -no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs) {Man's voice} wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. (Grunts) -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time -(Mumbling)} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! (Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. (Chuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-ir from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde c this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering) -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? (Gasping) -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me (Bell dings) {Cheering) {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!! Ha, ha! (Shrek laughs) {Crowd gasping, murmuring) -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -Sniffs) They stink? -Yes - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. Sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkI preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs) It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (Rumbling) -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (Laughing) -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps) -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [Screams) -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrelt. (Water dripping, wind howling): -You afraid? -No. -But Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. (Gasps) Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she Il be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking) -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. l'd step all over it. -Well, at ieast ve know where the princess is, but where's the - -Dragon! {Screams) (Gasps) (Roars) -Donkey, look out! {Screams) (Whimpering) -Got ya! (Roars (Gasps) (Shouts) -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming {Gasps) -Oh! Aah! Aah! (Gasping) {Crowls) -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams -Oh, what large teeth you have. Crowls) -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) {Vocalizing) -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts) -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poenm for me. A balad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -pray that you take this avour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! (Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (Screams) But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs) -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but just love icceiving cards - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls {Roaring) (Gasps) -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams) {Screaming) -Oh! (Thuds) {Groans) {Roars} {Roaring) -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Echoing) -Run! {Gasping) {Screaming {Roaring) (Screams) {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers) {Roars)-You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? - hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? - have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's fi kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing) -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were exp cting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. (Sighs) -Princess, I was sent to sue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all rightC. ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey (Sighs)-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (Laughs) -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure upto a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'Ill let you do the "measuring whn you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering) Grunting) -Hey! Over hem. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe. homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? (Crashing) -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs) -I just- You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, the re's bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. There just ne ad my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is oie ofticse drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it Why are you locking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the jo. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's w y 'm betteroff ale ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.-Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. (Inhales) (Snoring) {Vocalizing) {Whistling) {Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawi s -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. -Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. [Sniffs) -Well, enup We've got bi, day ahead of us. (Belches) -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {La hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches) -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don'a inuw who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs) {Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But l'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucyitle raid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's had hat's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa aazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -(Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sekdiatoo young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? ay! Ca im down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, nd I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on htyou're do ng the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - -(Grunts) -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue ? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? (Nervous chuckle) -That's Is that blood? (Sighs} {Bird a-la, la-la-la-la (Both laughing) La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - Ow! -Um, I, uh- I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -I'm worried about Donkey. (Blubbering) -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next hin you owm on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (Bones crunch) -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. (Chuckling) {Sighs) -I guess I'll be dining a wasonderi g. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me (Sighs) -Are you gonna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. night. (Door creaks) -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. sha's a princess, and I'm --An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. Sighs) -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Wings ey! isen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling) -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vay another. This shall be the norm...until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rd thought of you because it's pretty and - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -uh, uh -(Sighs)- -Dityou see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens) {Snoring) -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - (Snoring) -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I -I don't -There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. (Gasps, sighs) -Ah, right on time. (Horse whinnies) -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns) -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (Muffled) -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you stardled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers) -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't.- which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Do don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y anyway?-Ou s vam p? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. (Sighs) -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. (Orchestra} {Dulcimer -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Sh w people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing) -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green Kissingounds} -huast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here dth phone. (Grunts) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there about to start (Grunts, Groans) {Karate Yell) {Merry Men Gasping) (Panting -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- (Karate Ye!l) {Accordion) (Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek!! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Grunts) -lt's just about --Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you ac chirping) (Grunts) My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean (Croaks) Oh, ch hh-o. was ask O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. (Gulps) -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare -you name it. (Chuckles) -'d like that. {Slurps, laughs) See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ekdighs) Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin de fluttering) -Princess? (Creaking {Gasps) -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams) -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you h a uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do spell. {Sighs) -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek -well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'mkavs tifow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Gasps) -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE a- "By o that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs) -All right, all right Calm it's Dec promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps) -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's- know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, II wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't 1? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!-Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning) And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah (Moaning) Hallelujah, halelujah (Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts) -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! There you are ,doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was kint about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs) -l'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! neve:r make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (Whistles) -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing) -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! (Bells tolling) {All gasping) -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...-Um -of our new king --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling) -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, 'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this wonman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Piease her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! (Grunts) -I object! -Shrek? (Gaspst -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but shoving up uninvited to a wedding -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love?-Weil, IUh -I mean - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (Crowd laughing) -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers) {Crown gasping) -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that malkes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes) What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the wayI like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star (Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould (Belches) Go! Go! (Record Scratching) Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Gasping) -Right. (Roaring) Shouting) {Roaring) {Whispers) This is the part where you run away. {Gasping) (Laughs) {Laughing} And stay
 right. This one's full. -Take it away! (Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding) -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (Gasps) -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. (Grunts) -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man) -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? (Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles) -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. Ilike that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -Ilike my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. (Sighs) l mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering) -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? (Grunts) -Hey! Snickers) -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? (Gasps) {Male voice) What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! Cackling) -What?
 Quit it. -Don't push. [Squeaking) {Lows) - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! (Gasping)} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he.... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs) -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring) -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! (Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Cheering) (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. (Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) -That's enough. He's ready to talk. (Coughing) {Laughing) {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens) -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping) -Oh! -Magic mirror --Don't tell him anything! -No! (Gingerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 eaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 rrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? (Shudders) Three? -Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs) {Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams) -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just -I just -
 {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) (Chuckles) {Sighs) -It's quiet. Too quiet. (Creaking) -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line nd we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect. place {Camera shutter clicks (Whirring) -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. Trumpet fanfare} (Crowd cheering) -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering) -That champion shall have the honour -no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs) {Man's voice}
 wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. (Grunts) -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time
 -(Mumbling)} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! (Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. (Chuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-ir from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde c
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering) -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? (Gasping) -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me (Bell dings) {Cheering) {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!! Ha, ha! (Shrek laughs) {Crowd gasping, murmuring) -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -Sniffs) They stink? -Yes - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. Sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkI preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs) It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (Rumbling) -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (Laughing) -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps) -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [Screams) -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrelt. (Water dripping, wind howling): -You afraid? -No. -But Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. (Gasps) Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she Il be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking) -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. l'd step all over it. -Well, at ieast ve know where the princess is, but where's the - -Dragon! {Screams) (Gasps) (Roars) -Donkey, look out! {Screams) (Whimpering) -Got ya! (Roars (Gasps) (Shouts) -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming {Gasps) -Oh! Aah! Aah! (Gasping) {Crowls) -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams -Oh, what large teeth you have.
 Crowls) -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) {Vocalizing) -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts) -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poenm for me. A balad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -pray that you take this avour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! (Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (Screams)
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs) -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but just love icceiving cards - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls {Roaring) (Gasps) -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams) {Screaming) -Oh! (Thuds) {Groans) {Roars} {Roaring) -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Echoing) -Run! {Gasping) {Screaming {Roaring) (Screams) {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers) {Roars)-You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? - hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? - have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's fi kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing) -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were exp cting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. (Sighs) -Princess, I was sent to sue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all rightC. ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey (Sighs)-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (Laughs) -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure upto a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'Ill let you do the "measuring whn you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering) Grunting) -Hey! Over hem. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe. homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? (Crashing) -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night!
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs) -I just- You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, the re's bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
 There just ne ad my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is oie ofticse drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it Why are you locking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 jo. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's w y 'm betteroff ale ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.-Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. (Inhales) (Snoring) {Vocalizing) {Whistling) {Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawi s -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. -Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. [Sniffs) -Well, enup We've got bi, day ahead of us. (Belches) -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {La hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches) -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don'a inuw who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs) {Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But l'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucyitle raid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's had hat's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa aazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -(Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sekdiatoo young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? ay! Ca im down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, nd I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on htyou're do ng the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - -(Grunts) -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 ? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? (Nervous chuckle) -That's Is that blood? (Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, la-la-la-la (Both laughing) La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - Ow! -Um, I, uh- I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -I'm worried about Donkey. (Blubbering) -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next hin you owm on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (Bones crunch) -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. (Chuckling) {Sighs) -I guess I'll be dining a
 wasonderi g. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me (Sighs) -Are you gonna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
 night. (Door creaks) -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 sha's a princess, and I'm --An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. Sighs) -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Wings
 ey! isen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling) -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vay another. This shall be the norm...until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rd thought of you because it's pretty and - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -uh, uh -(Sighs)-
 -Dityou see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens) {Snoring) -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - (Snoring) -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I -I don't -There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. (Gasps, sighs) -Ah, right on time. (Horse whinnies) -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns) -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (Muffled) -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you stardled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers) -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't.-
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Do
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 anyway?-Ou s vam p? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. (Sighs) -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. (Orchestra} {Dulcimer -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Sh w
 people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing) -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green
 Kissingounds} -huast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 dth phone. (Grunts) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 about to start (Grunts, Groans) {Karate Yell) {Merry Men Gasping) (Panting -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- (Karate Ye!l) {Accordion) (Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek!! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Grunts) -lt's just about --Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you ac
 chirping) (Grunts) My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean (Croaks) Oh, ch hh-o.
 was ask O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. (Gulps) -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare -you name it. (Chuckles) -'d like that. {Slurps, laughs) See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ekdighs) Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin de
 fluttering) -Princess? (Creaking {Gasps) -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams) -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you h a
 uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do
 spell. {Sighs) -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek -well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'mkavs tifow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Gasps) -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 a-
 "By
 o that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs) -All right, all right Calm
 it's
 Dec
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps) -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's- know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, II wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't 1? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!-Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning) And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah (Moaning) Hallelujah, halelujah (Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts) -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away!
 There you are ,doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was kint about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs) -l'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! neve:r make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (Whistles) -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing) -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! (Bells tolling) {All gasping) -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...-Um -of our new king --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling) -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, 'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this wonman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Piease her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! (Grunts) -I object! -Shrek? (Gaspst -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but shoving up uninvited to a wedding -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love?-Weil, IUh -I mean - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (Crowd laughing) -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers) {Crown gasping) -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that malkes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper

The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper

All Star, Bad, and Beautiful: 92 Verizon 9:52 PM T 31% You named the conversation "Shrek Script tMan) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's irst kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes) What a load Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me ain't of the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an a star Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches) Go! Go! tRecord Scratching) Go Go Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. No They'll shave your liver Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast -Back! Back, beast! Back! l warn ya! HGasping) -Right (Roaring (Shouting) Roaring) (Whispers) This is the part where you run away. (Gasping) (Laughs) Laughing And stay out "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." ISighs) tMan's voice) All Message 92 Verizon 9:52 PM 31% K (1) Shrek Script (Man) once u... Details out "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." ISighs) tMan's voice) All right. This one's fu Take it away! Gasps) -Move it along Come on! Get up Next Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! Get up Come on Twenty pieces. Thudding -Sit down there Keep quiet! Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again I can change. Please! Give me another chance Oh, shut up Oh Next What have you got? -This little wooden puppet m not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away Father please! Don't let them do this Help me Next! What have you got? Well, ve got a talking donkey. Grunts) -Right. We that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove i Oh, go ahead little fella. Well? -Oh, oh, he's just He's just a little nervous He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt That's it. I've heard enough. Guards -No, no, he talks! He does can talk ove to talk m the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Get her out of my sight No, no I swear! Oh! He can talk IGasps) Hey! can fly He can fly He can fly He can talk Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. IGrunts) -Seize him After him! He's getting away! tGrunts, Gasps) {Man) Get him! This way! Turn You there. Orge Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? HGasps, Whimpering) (Chuckles) Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible Are you talkin' to me? Whoa Yes was talkin' to you. Can l tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that Oh, that's great. Really Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? But, uh, l don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine Together we scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us tRoaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my Message 92 Verizon 9:53 PM T 31% cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time Mumbling) Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh Really tall? -No I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope Really Really, really. -Oh Man I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of l-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing ke that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like l hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence Can l stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course Really? No. Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please Okay! Okay! But one night only -Ah! Thank you What are you No! No! This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories and in the mornin l'm makin' waffles Oh Where do, uh, l sleep? -Outside -Oh, well. guess that's cool. I mean, l don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles) -Here I go Good night. {Sighs) -I mean, do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside I'll just be sitting by myself outside I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) (Creaking) (Sighs) thought told you to stay outside m outside. Clattering Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? t's not home, but it'll do just fune What a lovely bed Got ya. tsniffs l found some cheese -Ow! 1Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff s that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough What are you doing in my house? 1Grunts) -Hey! Snickers Message 92 Verizon F 9:53 PM T 31% What are you doing in my house? 1Grunts) -Hey! Snickers Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken Huh? IGusps) tMale voice) What? -l ve in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah Oh, no No! No! Cackling) -What? -Quit it. Don't push. Squeaking Lows) What are you doing in my swamp? Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! Gasping) Oh, dear Whoa All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on No, no! No, no. Not there Not there -Oh! {Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh, gosh, no one invited us What? -We were forced to come here By who? -Lord Farquaad He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. Sighs) -All right Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? tMurmuring) -Oh, I do I know where he is Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! HCheering (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. All right, that's what ke to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek Hey. Oh, oh -l can't wait to get on the road again What did l say about singing? Can I whistle? No Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) That's enough. He's ready to talk Coughing) Laughing (Clears throat -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me m the gingerbread man You are a monster m not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me! Grunts) -l've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons me or I'll All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man Yes, know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man The muffin man? -The muffin man She's married to the muffin man. 1Door opens) -My lord! We found it Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Man grunting) (Gasping) -Oh! Magic mirror Don't tell him Message 92 Verizon 9:53 PM 31% K (1) Shrek Script (Man) once u... Details anything No! Ginerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically you're not a king Uh, Thelonius You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess Go on tChuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give i up for Snow White And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona So will it be bachelorette number one. bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three -Two! Two Three! Three Two Two Three Three? One? Shudders Three? Three! Pick number three, my lord Okay, okay, uh, number three Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona f you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain Princess Fiona If you're not into yoga She's perfect. A I have to do is just find someone who can go But l probably should mention the little thing that happens at night -l'll do it. -Yes, but after Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen sunset and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. l told ya l'd find it So that must be Lord Farquaad's castle Uh-huh. That's the place Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? Laughs) (Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Hurry, darling We're late. Hurry Hey, you! Screams) -Wait a second. Look, m not gonna eat you I just l just {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) tChuckles) {Sighs) It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your Message 92 Verizon 9:53 PM T 31% DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place tCamera shutter clicks {Whirring -Wow! Let's do that again No. No. No, no, no! No {Trumpet fanfare) tCrowd cheering) -Brave knights You are the best and brightest in a the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself All right You're going the right way for a smacked bottom Sorry about that. HCheering) -That champion shall have the honor no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice l am willing to make. ICheering) -Let the tournament begin! Gasps) Oh What is that? Gasping) -It's hideous Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! Get him Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation Damn HWhinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Hey Shrek, tag me! Tag me And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said l wanted to improve my station -Ah! Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun Yeah And I don't have to please no one The chair! Give him the chair And don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me, not me Bell dings) (Cheering (Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday Try the veal! Ha, ha! HShrek laughs) HCrowd gasping, murmuring) Shall I the order, sir give No. l have a better idea People of DuLoc, l give you our champion! What? Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest -Quest? l'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! Crowd murmuring -Indeed All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. And the squatters? -As good as gone What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight You're o fight a dragon and rescue a rincess just so Onna Message me irl
All Star, Bad, and Beautiful: 92 Verizon
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 T 31%
 You named the conversation "Shrek Script tMan) Once upon a
 time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment
 upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's
 irst kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible
 fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free
 her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in
 the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for
 her true love and true love's first kiss. (Laughing) Like that's
 ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes) What a load
 Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me ain't
 of
 the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with
 her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead
 The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the
 rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for
 fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to
 do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets
 You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't
 glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play
 Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all
 that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool
 place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait
 till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by
 the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty
 thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My
 world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way like it and I'll
 never get bored Hey, now, you're an a
 star Shouting) Get
 your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show
 on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars
 break the mold {Belches) Go! Go! tRecord Scratching) Go
 Go Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play
 Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all
 that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold Think
 it's in there? -All right. Let's get it
 Whoa. Hold on. Do you
 know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones
 for it's bread. Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a
 gaint. Now, ogres
 They're much worse. They'll make a suit
 from your freshly peeled skin. No
 They'll shave your liver
 Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on
 toast
 -Back! Back, beast! Back! l warn ya! HGasping) -Right
 (Roaring (Shouting) Roaring) (Whispers) This is the part
 where you run away. (Gasping) (Laughs) Laughing And stay
 out
 "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." ISighs) tMan's voice) All
 Message

 92 Verizon
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 K (1) Shrek Script (Man) once u... Details
 out
 "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." ISighs) tMan's voice) All
 right. This one's fu
 Take it away! Gasps) -Move it along
 Come on! Get up
 Next
 Give me that! Your fiying days are
 over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! Get up
 Come on
 Twenty pieces. Thudding -Sit down there
 Keep
 quiet! Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me
 in. I'll never be stubborn again
 I can change. Please! Give me
 another chance
 Oh, shut up
 Oh
 Next
 What have you
 got? -This little wooden puppet
 m not a puppet. I'm a real
 boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away
 Father
 please! Don't let them do this
 Help me
 Next! What have you
 got? Well, ve got a talking donkey. Grunts) -Right. We
 that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove i
 Oh, go ahead
 little fella. Well? -Oh, oh, he's just He's just a little nervous
 He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt
 That's it. I've heard enough. Guards
 -No, no, he talks! He does
 can talk
 ove to talk
 m the talkingest damn thing you ever
 saw. Get her out of my sight
 No, no
 I swear! Oh! He can talk
 IGasps) Hey! can fly
 He can fly
 He can fly
 He can talk
 Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You
 might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you
 ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. IGrunts) -Seize
 him
 After him! He's getting away! tGrunts, Gasps) {Man)
 Get him! This way! Turn
 You there. Orge
 Aye? -By the order
 of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest
 and transport you to a designated
 resettlement facility. -Oh,
 really? You and what army? HGasps, Whimpering) (Chuckles)
 Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really
 somethin' back here. Incredible Are you talkin' to me?
 Whoa
 Yes
 was talkin' to you. Can l tell you that you that you
 was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all
 of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over
 themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel
 good to see that
 Oh, that's great. Really
 Man, it's good to be
 free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your
 own friends? Hmm? But, uh, l don't have any friends. And I'm
 not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great
 idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine
 Together we
 scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us
 tRoaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me
 sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job
 done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something,
 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my
 Message

 92 Verizon
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 cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my
 nose, just like the time
 Mumbling) Than I ate some rotten
 berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why
 Cause I'm all alone
 There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone
 There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends
 Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow
 Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest
 Listen, little
 donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh Really tall? -No
 I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't
 that bother you? -Nope
 Really
 Really, really. -Oh
 Man
 I
 like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. Shrek? Well, you know
 what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of l-don't-care
 what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing
 ke that. I respect that,
 Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in
 place like that? -That would be my home
 Oh! And it is lovely!
 Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing
 what you've done with such a modest budget. like that
 boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain
 much, do you?
 -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's
 another thing we have in common. Like
 l hate it when you got
 somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and
 they won't leave. There's that awkward silence
 Can l stay with
 you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course
 Really? No. Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't
 know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you
 do. But that's why we gotta
 stick together. You gotta let me
 stay! Please! Please
 Okay! Okay! But one night only
 -Ah!
 Thank you
 What are you
 No! No! This is gonna be fun! We
 can stay up late, swappin' manly stories
 and in the mornin
 l'm
 makin' waffles
 Oh
 Where do, uh, l sleep? -Outside
 -Oh,
 well. guess that's cool. I mean, l don't know you, and you don't
 know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles) -Here I
 go
 Good night. {Sighs) -I mean, do like the outdoors. I'm a
 donkey. I was born outside
 I'll just be sitting by myself outside
 I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no
 one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) (Creaking) (Sighs)
 thought told you to stay outside
 m outside. Clattering
 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we
 have?
 t's not home, but it'll do just fune
 What a lovely bed
 Got ya. tsniffs l found some cheese
 -Ow! 1Grunts) -Blah!
 Awful stuff
 s that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough
 What are you doing in my house? 1Grunts) -Hey! Snickers
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 What are you doing in my house? 1Grunts) -Hey! Snickers
 Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Where are we
 supposed to put her? The bed's taken
 Huh? IGusps) tMale
 voice) What?
 -l ve in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying
 orge! What do
 I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah
 Oh, no
 No! No! Cackling) -What? -Quit it. Don't push. Squeaking
 Lows) What are you doing in my swamp? Echoing) Swamp!
 Swamp! Swamp! Gasping) Oh, dear
 Whoa
 All right, get
 out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
 Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on
 No, no! No, no. Not there
 Not there
 -Oh! {Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
 them. Oh, gosh, no one invited us
 What? -We were forced to
 come here
 By who? -Lord Farquaad
 He huffed und he
 puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. Sighs) -All right
 Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? tMurmuring) -Oh, I do
 I know where he is
 Does anyone else know where to find him?
 Anyone at all? -Me! Me
 Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I
 know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
 tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially
 worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and
 get you all off my land and back where you came from!
 HCheering (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. All
 right, that's what
 ke to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two
 stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
 On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek
 Hey. Oh, oh
 -l can't
 wait to get on the road again
 What did l say about singing?
 Can I whistle? No
 Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. Humming)
 (Grunts) {Whimpering) That's enough. He's ready to talk
 Coughing) Laughing (Clears throat -Run, run, run, as fust as
 you can. You can't catch me
 m the gingerbread man
 You are
 a monster
 m not the monster here. You are. You and the rest
 of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
 me! Where are the others? -Eat me! Grunts) -l've tried to be
 fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell
 No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons
 me or I'll
 All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you
 know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man
 Yes, know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man
 The muffin man? -The muffin
 man
 She's married to the muffin man. 1Door opens) -My lord!
 We found it
 Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Man
 grunting) (Gasping) -Oh! Magic mirror
 Don't tell him
 Message

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 K (1) Shrek Script (Man) once u... Details
 anything
 No! Ginerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror,
 mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them
 all? Well, technically you're not a king
 Uh, Thelonius
 You
 were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. All you have to do is marry a princess
 Go on
 tChuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's
 time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here
 they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in
 from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing
 anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two
 evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella
 Bachelorette number
 two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she
 lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead,
 frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give i
 up for Snow White
 And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette
 number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle
 surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off
 She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught
 in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona
 So will it be
 bachelorette number one. bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three -Two! Two
 Three! Three
 Two
 Two
 Three
 Three? One? Shudders Three? Three! Pick
 number three, my lord
 Okay, okay, uh, number three
 Lord
 Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona
 f you like pina
 coladas And getting caught in the rain
 Princess Fiona
 If
 you're not into yoga
 She's perfect. A
 I have to do is just find
 someone who can go
 But l probably should mention the
 little thing that happens at night
 -l'll do it. -Yes, but after
 Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen
 sunset
 and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble
 your finest men. We're going to have a tournament
 But that's
 it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. l told ya l'd find it
 So
 that must be Lord Farquaad's castle
 Uh-huh. That's the place
 Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
 Laughs) (Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Hurry, darling
 We're late. Hurry
 Hey, you! Screams) -Wait a second. Look,
 m not gonna eat you
 I just l just
 {Whimpering) {Sighs)
 {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) tChuckles) {Sighs)
 It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking -Where is everybody? -Hey,
 look at this! Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc
 such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them
 down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine
 DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your
 Message

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 DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your
 shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect
 place tCamera shutter clicks {Whirring -Wow! Let's do that
 again
 No. No. No, no, no! No
 {Trumpet fanfare) tCrowd
 cheering) -Brave knights
 You are the best and brightest in a
 the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself
 All right
 You're going the right way for a smacked bottom
 Sorry about
 that. HCheering) -That champion shall have the honor no, no
 the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
 from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is
 unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on
 and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice l am
 willing to make. ICheering) -Let the tournament begin! Gasps)
 Oh
 What is that? Gasping) -It's hideous
 Ah, that's not
 very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one
 who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! Get
 him
 Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him!
 Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All
 right then. Come on
 don't give a damn about my reputation
 You're living in the past It's a new generation
 Damn
 HWhinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do And that's
 what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad
 reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Hey
 Shrek, tag me! Tag me
 And I don't give a damn about my bad
 reputation Never said l wanted to improve my station -Ah!
 Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun
 Yeah
 And I don't have to please no one
 The chair! Give him
 the chair
 And don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh,
 no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no
 Not me, not me Bell dings) (Cheering (Laughs) -Oh, yeah!
 Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday
 Try the veal! Ha, ha! HShrek laughs) HCrowd gasping,
 murmuring) Shall I the order, sir
 give No. l have a better idea
 People of DuLoc, l give you our champion! What?
 Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a
 great and noble quest
 -Quest? l'm already in a quest, a quest
 to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where
 you dumped those tale creatures! Crowd murmuring -Indeed
 All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
 I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? -Down
 to the last slime-covered toadstool. And the squatters? -As
 good as gone
 What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight
 You're
 o fight a dragon and rescue a
 rincess just so
 Onna
 Message
me irl

me irl

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