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🔥 | Latest

Be Like, Doctor, and Fucking: @Dr_Sweets23 House was a weird show. Patients would be rushed the hospital with unexplained fevers and heart problems. And House would come in like "did you check his asshole for toothpicks?" And they'd be like "damn u right." 8/4/18, 1:43 PM 13.6K Retweets 39.9K Likes hst3000: libertarirynn: skepticphantom: libertarirynn: melonmemes: Nothin gets past House✋🏽🚫 I love that there are people sharing this who might not realize there is literally an episode where a fucking toothpick was the culprit. On the flip side of that example I remember an episode where House was convinced a womans condition was being caused by a tick, but repeated searches of her body found none, until towards the end of the episode where he was like “theres one place we havnt looked..” and he pulled out a tick hanging around her snatch. Didn’t he basically steal that patient and snatch the bug out of her cootch when they were trapped in an elevator together? The only reason he didn’t get charged with sexual assault, have his medical license set ablaze, and get locked in jail for the rest of his life was because it happened to be the right guess and House rarely faces any sort of serious consequences for utterly outrageous behavior 😂 There’s actually an entire episodes that revolves around the consequences of letting him do that sort of stuff because he’s usually right. Cuddy almost lets a suicidally depressed man who’s basically locked into his body go without treatment to drive that in to House. That’s why I said “rarely“. There are some episodes that go for high drama, like the one you mentioned or the one where Wilson’s girlfriend dies. But in most day-to-day episodes he does things no doctor would ever do without being litigated to hell and back. All while Cuddy reprimands him with her tits hanging out, which as we all know is how hospital directors typically dress. Not that I’m complaining, I realize it’s a fictional show that relies on drama and suspension of disbelief to be interesting.
Be Like, Doctor, and Fucking: @Dr_Sweets23
 House was a weird show. Patients
 would be rushed the hospital with
 unexplained fevers and heart
 problems. And House would come in
 like "did you check his asshole for
 toothpicks?" And they'd be like
 "damn u right."
 8/4/18, 1:43 PM
 13.6K Retweets 39.9K Likes
hst3000:
libertarirynn:

skepticphantom:

libertarirynn:

melonmemes:

Nothin gets past House✋🏽🚫

I love that there are people sharing this who might not realize there is literally an episode where a fucking toothpick was the culprit. 

On the flip side of that example I remember an episode where House was convinced a womans condition was being caused by a tick, but repeated searches of her body found none, until towards the end of the episode where he was like “theres one place we havnt looked..” and he pulled out a tick hanging around her snatch.

Didn’t he basically steal that patient and snatch the bug out of her cootch when they were trapped in an elevator together? The only reason he didn’t get charged with sexual assault, have his medical license set ablaze, and get locked in jail for the rest of his life was because it happened to be the right guess and House rarely faces any sort of serious consequences for utterly outrageous behavior 😂

There’s actually an entire episodes that revolves around the consequences of letting him do that sort of stuff because he’s usually right. Cuddy almost lets a suicidally depressed man who’s basically locked into his body go without treatment to drive that in to House.
That’s why I said “rarely“. There are some episodes that go for high drama, like the one you mentioned or the one where Wilson’s girlfriend dies. But in most day-to-day episodes he does things no doctor would ever do without being litigated to hell and back. All while Cuddy reprimands him with her tits hanging out, which as we all know is how hospital directors typically dress. Not that I’m complaining, I realize it’s a fictional show that relies on drama and suspension of disbelief to be interesting.

hst3000: libertarirynn: skepticphantom: libertarirynn: melonmemes: Nothin gets past House✋🏽🚫 I love that there are people sharing this ...

Target, Tumblr, and Vine: catneylang: I hopped on board the vine train and decided to make this.I hope none of these have been done before????
Target, Tumblr, and Vine: catneylang:

I hopped on board the vine train and decided to make this.I hope none of these have been done before????

catneylang: I hopped on board the vine train and decided to make this.I hope none of these have been done before????

Ass, Bad, and Bad Day: Straight guy worries he's being homophobic to gay roommate, realizes he's fallen in love with him Plot twist: it turns out I don't have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it's me he's kissing. hutchj: artemuscain-gamingandbs: mamatronchatoro: puppygays: oh god, they were roommates This straight guy, who we’ll call Mike, has been roommates with Alex for a year. When Alex told Mike he was gay, he was absolutely fine with it. But then when Alex started to bring guys home…he started getting annoyed, resentful, disgusted. Posting on Reddit, he said: ‘First things first, let me say that I’ve never thought of myself as being discriminatory before. I had a gay friend in high school and we made it through some tough times together, I never felt weird about him dating a guy. So all of this is coming out of nowhere. ‘”Alex” has been my roommate for one year, and I pretty much knew upfront about him being gay. At some point we became friendly enough with each other that we could even joke about it, as in, sometimes he’ll pretend to flirt with me and I’ll pretend to flirt back. I’m straight and he knows that, but I don’t feel threatened by him flirting with me and he says most straight guys do. ‘The problems started because of this: Alex brings guys home sometimes. At the start I thought I was okay with it, since it’s really not my business who he sleeps with. He’s usually discreet enough about it that I don’t see/hear anything I wouldn’t want to see/hear from anyone else, but for some reason I’ve started feeling weird if I even see him with other guys. ‘I don’t know when it started but one time that really sticks out to me is when I came home and saw him and some guy making out on the couch. I don’t know how to describe what it was like to see that, except that for a moment I felt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. Alex was embarrassed (he didn’t think I’d be back for a while), but I told him it was okay since I was embarrassed too. ‘I felt bad for being as disgusted as I was, since there’s NO good reason for me to have a reaction like that. I thought maybe they just caught me by surprise and that’s why I reacted so strongly, but it turned out it wasn’t a one-time thing. After that, every time he has a guy over (not that often, but every once in a while) I just start feeling like shit and wishing that guy would leave, and I can’t stop thinking about what these guys might have done to him even though I don’t want to imagine that. It makes me really uncomfortable and grossed out. And these are just guys he fools around with, I don’t know what I’d do if he ends up getting an actual boyfriend. ‘Alex has started to notice and it’s affecting our friendship. The other day I came home right when some guy was about to leave, and the guy tried to be polite to me but I ended up being rude to him (don’t remember what I said, but it was really obvious I was pissed). When the guy left, Alex asked me why I was being an asshole. I didn’t know what to say, but then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys. I said no. For some reason that pissed him off more and he said I can’t complain since I used to bring my fuckbuddy over and he was forced to see me being affectionate with her sometimes. (I was in an FWB situation with a girl in the early days of me and Alex living together, but I broke it off after a few months and I haven’t done anything with anyone since.) I agreed with him and told him I was just having a bad day and I don’t care who he sleeps with, but he looked more upset and told me he’s going to a friend’s place to cool off. I said okay. When he was leaving for some reason he casually said, “and you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do at his place and not ours, right?” Or something like that. I told him it’s none of my business what he does at someone else’s place, but when he said that I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t stop thinking about it. ‘He didn’t show up later that night even though he was supposed to hang out with me and my sister. He’s never blown me off before and it made me feel like shit, but part of it was my fault since I made him feel like I was judging him for sleeping with guys. Now he’s acting like nothing happened but I’m worried I might mess things up if it happens again. I want to keep him as a friend, but he’d be hurt if he knew that whenever I think about him with other guys it disgusts me. ‘How do I deal with this? I’ve never been homophobic but I’ve suddenly developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my roommate’s sex life makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t react like this to other gay people either, it’s just Alex. I don’t know if this means I’m only okay with gay people as long as I’m not living with them or what. Does anyone else have experience with this? I want to get over myself and stop whatever this is, but if I can’t I’m going to have to leave since the last thing I want to do is hurt Alex, and if I stay here and keep automatically judging him for his lifestyle that’s what’s going to happen. ‘tl;dr: Roommate is gay, I am not but I thought I was okay with him being gay until I realised I feel crappy when I see him with other guys and it’s started to affect our friendship. How to deal with this/stop being such a dick?’ One Redditor asked: ‘Are you sure that weird feeling isn’t jealousy…? i mean, this only seems to revolve around Alex specifically.’ And Mike responded: ‘I thought about that, but I don’t know what I’m meant to be jealous of. He definitely has a more active sex life than I do, but reacting like this to something like that seems really strange and irrational.’ The Redditor responded: ‘Yeah i thought maybe you don’t like seeing Alex with other people because you want his attention to yourself?’ ‘The day I made the post, I met up with my sister Laura [24F] and I showed her the post. She read the whole thing and called me an oblivious walnut and said it sounds like I have a crush on Alex. The same conclusion some of you came to in the original post. ‘Anyway, she talked me through it and we confirmed I’m not as straight as I thought I was. She also pointed out something in my original post, where I said the more I tried to reassure him I didn’t mind who he slept with, the more he got upset. Also: how he brought my old FWB situation into it. I just thought he was understandably mad with me for being an asshole, but Laura thought it sounded like maybe Alex wanted me to be jealous? We moved on from that topic pretty quickly, though, since I couldn’t really handle the implications of that when I’d JUST started to understand that I like this guy. ‘The next few days were mostly me sitting on my ass trying to wrap my head around everything. I was scared of messing up our friendship and losing him, but I was even more scared that I might just let this pass without saying anything and then he gets a boyfriend and I have to see him with another guy…etc. Because if that happened I would probably have to end it anyway, since as we’ve established, I’m not great at dealing with him being with other guys. ‘Probably could have planned it better, but I told him. Right after a Tarantino marathon, if anyone’s interested, since nothing says romance like graphic violence. I told him I’ve been such a dick because I was jealous. I don’t think he got what I was getting at because he just laughed a little and said I didn’t have to be jealous since it wasn’t like I’d have any trouble finding people to sleep with me. No clue how I explained, it’s a blur. Luckily he saw how nervous I was so he knew I was serious. ‘We talked. Long story short: all that flirting was real, but Alex didn’t have any hope of it going further because of me being an oblivious “straight” guy. So he’s been trying to get over me. He laughed really hard when I told him about how I mistook my jealousy for homophobia, and he teased me by saying he’d never expected me to be the jealous type. Then again, we both ended up laughing a lot of out of nervousness and awkwardness. I’ve never seen him like that before since he’s usually pretty confident. In the end we agreed to maybe try something out, and we kissed. Never kissed anyone with a beard before, so…interesting experience, but also really good. (Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.) ‘Since then we’ve kind of been easing into the whole dating thing, I guess? I know this place is wary about roommate relationships and I get why, but it’s been great so far. We had our first proper date last weekend and it was incredible, though a bit weird since we’ve done that a thousand times already and this time there was a new context. At home we still do our normal thing, but sometimes we get distracted. Last night I almost burned dinner because I had to kiss him and we got kind of carried away, haha. We’re taking the whole sex thing slow though since I’ve never done anything with another guy before. ‘I’m a little worried about coming out to my family and my other friends, especially since this is almost as new for me as it would be for them. My parents are very openminded and my mom especially loves Alex. But I have some more conservative family members on my dad’s side, and I can already imagine them blaming Alex for turning me gay. They can also be pretty racist (Laura’s boyfriend is Latino so she knows all about that) and Alex is mixed. It’s something to think about in the longterm, I guess. Alex has said he doesn’t expect me to jump out of the closet right away, but if we end up calling ourselves a couple then I’m not going to keep him a secret or anything. ‘So…we’re trying. And I am not a homophobe, and nobody needed therapy. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy, and I never would have expected this when I made that first post. It’s a good thing some of you picked up on the actual problem and tried to get it through to me despite me being an oblivious walnut, so…thanks, guys.’ Funniest self-realization in the world? ‘Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.’ This was…. cute??? Someone make a movie out of this b/c this was an emotional roller coaster. 
Ass, Bad, and Bad Day: Straight guy worries
 he's being
 homophobic to gay
 roommate, realizes
 he's fallen in love
 with him
 Plot twist: it turns out I don't
 have any problem with Alex
 kissing guys if it's me he's
 kissing.
hutchj:
artemuscain-gamingandbs:

mamatronchatoro:


puppygays:
oh god, they were roommates

This straight guy, who we’ll call Mike, has been roommates with Alex for a year. When Alex told Mike he was gay, he was absolutely fine with it. But then when Alex started to bring guys home…he started getting annoyed, resentful, disgusted.

Posting on Reddit, he said: ‘First things first, let me say that I’ve never thought of myself as being discriminatory before. I had a gay friend in high school and we made it through some tough times together, I never felt weird about him dating a guy. So all of this is coming out of nowhere.

‘”Alex” has been my roommate for one year, and I pretty much knew upfront about him being gay. At some point we became friendly enough with each other that we could even joke about it, as in, sometimes he’ll pretend to flirt with me and I’ll pretend to flirt back. I’m straight and he knows that, but I don’t feel threatened by him flirting with me and he says most straight guys do.

‘The problems started because of this: Alex brings guys home sometimes. At the start I thought I was okay with it, since it’s really not my business who he sleeps with. He’s usually discreet enough about it that I don’t see/hear anything I wouldn’t want to see/hear from anyone else, but for some reason I’ve started feeling weird if I even see him with other guys.

‘I don’t know when it started but one time that really sticks out to me is when I came home and saw him and some guy making out on the couch. I don’t know how to describe what it was like to see that, except that for a moment I felt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. Alex was embarrassed (he didn’t think I’d be back for a while), but I told him it was okay since I was embarrassed too.

‘I felt bad for being as disgusted as I was, since there’s NO good reason for me to have a reaction like that. I thought maybe they just caught me by surprise and that’s why I reacted so strongly, but it turned out it wasn’t a one-time thing. After that, every time he has a guy over (not that often, but every once in a while) I just start feeling like shit and wishing that guy would leave, and I can’t stop thinking about what these guys might have done to him even though I don’t want to imagine that. It makes me really uncomfortable and grossed out. And these are just guys he fools around with, I don’t know what I’d do if he ends up getting an actual boyfriend.

‘Alex has started to notice and it’s affecting our friendship. The other day I came home right when some guy was about to leave, and the guy tried to be polite to me but I ended up being rude to him (don’t remember what I said, but it was really obvious I was pissed). When the guy left, Alex asked me why I was being an asshole. I didn’t know what to say, but then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys. I said no. For some reason that pissed him off more and he said I can’t complain since I used to bring my fuckbuddy over and he was forced to see me being affectionate with her sometimes. (I was in an FWB situation with a girl in the early days of me and Alex living together, but I broke it off after a few months and I haven’t done anything with anyone since.) I agreed with him and told him I was just having a bad day and I don’t care who he sleeps with, but he looked more upset and told me he’s going to a friend’s place to cool off. I said okay. When he was leaving for some reason he casually said, “and you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do at his place and not ours, right?” Or something like that. I told him it’s none of my business what he does at someone else’s place, but when he said that I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t stop thinking about it.

‘He didn’t show up later that night even though he was supposed to hang out with me and my sister. He’s never blown me off before and it made me feel like shit, but part of it was my fault since I made him feel like I was judging him for sleeping with guys. Now he’s acting like nothing happened but I’m worried I might mess things up if it happens again. I want to keep him as a friend, but he’d be hurt if he knew that whenever I think about him with other guys it disgusts me.

‘How do I deal with this? I’ve never been homophobic but I’ve suddenly developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my roommate’s sex life makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t react like this to other gay people either, it’s just Alex. I don’t know if this means I’m only okay with gay people as long as I’m not living with them or what. Does anyone else have experience with this? I want to get over myself and stop whatever this is, but if I can’t I’m going to have to leave since the last thing I want to do is hurt Alex, and if I stay here and keep automatically judging him for his lifestyle that’s what’s going to happen.

‘tl;dr: Roommate is gay, I am not but I thought I was okay with him being gay until I realised I feel crappy when I see him with other guys and it’s started to affect our friendship. How to deal with this/stop being such a dick?’

One Redditor asked: ‘Are you sure that weird feeling isn’t jealousy…? i mean, this only seems to revolve around Alex specifically.’

And Mike responded: ‘I thought about that, but I don’t know what I’m meant to be jealous of. He definitely has a more active sex life than I do, but reacting like this to something like that seems really strange and irrational.’

The Redditor responded: ‘Yeah i thought maybe you don’t like seeing Alex with other people because you want his attention to yourself?’

‘The day I made the post, I met up with my sister Laura [24F] and I showed her the post. She read the whole thing and called me an oblivious walnut and said it sounds like I have a crush on Alex. The same conclusion some of you came to in the original post.

‘Anyway, she talked me through it and we confirmed I’m not as straight as I thought I was. She also pointed out something in my original post, where I said the more I tried to reassure him I didn’t mind who he slept with, the more he got upset. Also: how he brought my old FWB situation into it. I just thought he was understandably mad with me for being an asshole, but Laura thought it sounded like maybe Alex wanted me to be jealous? We moved on from that topic pretty quickly, though, since I couldn’t really handle the implications of that when I’d JUST started to understand that I like this guy.

‘The next few days were mostly me sitting on my ass trying to wrap my head around everything. I was scared of messing up our friendship and losing him, but I was even more scared that I might just let this pass without saying anything and then he gets a boyfriend and I have to see him with another guy…etc. Because if that happened I would probably have to end it anyway, since as we’ve established, I’m not great at dealing with him being with other guys.

‘Probably could have planned it better, but I told him. Right after a Tarantino marathon, if anyone’s interested, since nothing says romance like graphic violence. I told him I’ve been such a dick because I was jealous. I don’t think he got what I was getting at because he just laughed a little and said I didn’t have to be jealous since it wasn’t like I’d have any trouble finding people to sleep with me. No clue how I explained, it’s a blur. Luckily he saw how nervous I was so he knew I was serious.

‘We talked. Long story short: all that flirting was real, but Alex didn’t have any hope of it going further because of me being an oblivious “straight” guy. So he’s been trying to get over me. He laughed really hard when I told him about how I mistook my jealousy for homophobia, and he teased me by saying he’d never expected me to be the jealous type. Then again, we both ended up laughing a lot of out of nervousness and awkwardness. I’ve never seen him like that before since he’s usually pretty confident. In the end we agreed to maybe try something out, and we kissed. Never kissed anyone with a beard before, so…interesting experience, but also really good. (Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.)

‘Since then we’ve kind of been easing into the whole dating thing, I guess? I know this place is wary about roommate relationships and I get why, but it’s been great so far. We had our first proper date last weekend and it was incredible, though a bit weird since we’ve done that a thousand times already and this time there was a new context. At home we still do our normal thing, but sometimes we get distracted. Last night I almost burned dinner because I had to kiss him and we got kind of carried away, haha. We’re taking the whole sex thing slow though since I’ve never done anything with another guy before.

‘I’m a little worried about coming out to my family and my other friends, especially since this is almost as new for me as it would be for them. My parents are very openminded and my mom especially loves Alex. But I have some more conservative family members on my dad’s side, and I can already imagine them blaming Alex for turning me gay. They can also be pretty racist (Laura’s boyfriend is Latino so she knows all about that) and Alex is mixed. It’s something to think about in the longterm, I guess. Alex has said he doesn’t expect me to jump out of the closet right away, but if we end up calling ourselves a couple then I’m not going to keep him a secret or anything.

‘So…we’re trying. And I am not a homophobe, and nobody needed therapy. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy, and I never would have expected this when I made that first post. It’s a good thing some of you picked up on the actual problem and tried to get it through to me despite me being an oblivious walnut, so…thanks, guys.’

Funniest self-realization in the world? ‘Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.’


This was…. cute???

Someone make a movie out of this b/c this was an emotional roller coaster. 

hutchj: artemuscain-gamingandbs: mamatronchatoro: puppygays: oh god, they were roommates This straight guy, who we’ll call Mike, has bee...

Alive, Beard, and Calvin Johnson: dail alexander Follow drucila616 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy? ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, Ijust lie there ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at al WITNESS: Yes ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how I5 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last Stitch ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have stili been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law skrill-cosby oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes Source 1,411,980 notes Witness v. Attorney: Dawn of Jokes
Alive, Beard, and Calvin Johnson: dail
 alexander Follow
 drucila616
 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
 These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts
 and are things people actually said in court, word for
 word, taken down and published by court reporters
 that had the torment of staying calm while the
 exchanges were taking place
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
 said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
 the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, Ijust lie there
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: July 18th
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
 you?
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
 remember which
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS: Forty-five years
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
 your memory at al
 WITNESS: Yes
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
 memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
 of something you forgot?
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
 person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
 until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how
 I5
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
 taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
 was
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
 attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
 beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going
 with male
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
 pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
 attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
 have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
 What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral..
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
 the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 And last
 Stitch
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
 autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
 was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have stili
 been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
 alive and practicing law
 skrill-cosby
 oh my god these are great
 fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes
 Source
 1,411,980 notes
Witness v. Attorney: Dawn of Jokes

Witness v. Attorney: Dawn of Jokes

Ass, Clothes, and Fashion: who on earth coined the stereotype that girls are obsessed with changing clothes i've been wearing the same t shirt and pajama pants for two days now and the same bra for like three thenarator OOH OOH I KNOW THIS ONE! so in the elizabethan era queen elizabeth couldn't appear like she was having That Time of the Month in front of the male members of her court, and you bet your ass if she had to remain in the public eye while she was bleeding from the snatch then the rest of the female courtiers did too. because they didn't have handy dandy tampons back in the day, they would basically shove a rag down there and inevitably bleed onto the inner layers of their clothes. she what did they do? changed clothes. about eight times a day to be precise, and they did that all month long, so none of the delicate male constitutions would be offended by unseen yet implied bloody lady parts. this is part of why fashion was such a huuuuuge cultural item (and the secondhand clothing industry was such a huge part of society) because they had to appear like they were just doing it out of vanity/showing off their wealth. this became pretty much the standard mode of behavior for ladies who had to be out and about during shark week, right up until some nurses realized that the specialized gauze pads they used to plug up bullet wounds would work great for other such bleeding holes so yeah if you were wondering why dudes think women change their clothes a lot its because they don't understand periods Why girls change clothing all the time
Ass, Clothes, and Fashion: who on earth coined the stereotype that girls are obsessed with changing
 clothes i've been wearing the same t shirt and pajama pants for two days now
 and the same bra for like three
 thenarator
 OOH OOH I KNOW THIS ONE! so in the elizabethan era queen elizabeth
 couldn't appear like she was having That Time of the Month in front of the male
 members of her court, and you bet your ass if she had to remain in the public
 eye while she was bleeding from the snatch then the rest of the female courtiers
 did too. because they didn't have handy dandy tampons back in the day, they
 would basically shove a rag down there and inevitably bleed onto the inner
 layers of their clothes. she what did they do? changed clothes. about eight
 times a day to be precise, and they did that all month long, so none of the
 delicate male constitutions would be offended by unseen yet implied bloody
 lady parts. this is part of why fashion was such a huuuuuge cultural item (and
 the secondhand clothing industry was such a huge part of society) because
 they had to appear like they were just doing it out of vanity/showing off their
 wealth. this became pretty much the standard mode of behavior for ladies who
 had to be out and about during shark week, right up until some nurses realized
 that the specialized gauze pads they used to plug up bullet wounds would work
 great for other such bleeding holes
 so yeah if you were wondering why dudes think women change their clothes a
 lot its because they don't understand periods
Why girls change clothing all the time

Why girls change clothing all the time

Ass, Bailey Jay, and Bitch: The Economist -Follow Economist TheEconomist Why aren't millennials buying diamonds? econ.st/294G6yf dxisybuchanan: everythingcanadian: ariaste: wildhaunt: everkings: kid-communism: combatbooty: 1) they expensive bruh 2) none of us kno the dif btwn a fucking diamond and some fancy ass glass ur capitalist rock hierarchy has no control over us 3) mostly mined with slave labor 4) we get excited when our date buys us an appetizer, we don’t even comprehend people buying us rocks that would force us into debt for ten years 5) They aren’t actually that rare and the price is artificially inflated.  Pro tip from a former Jared’s salesperson: You want a sparkly white rock that will look like a diamond to the untrained eye and will literally cost the price of a nice dinner for two? Created white sapphire. They’re lab grown and cost *pennies* to make, so you can get a 1 or 2 carat white sapphire for like… $30-80 probably. You can get one as huge as you like, perfectly clear, perfectly flawless. And no one will ever be able to tell the difference except a professional appraiser. Also, sapphires are the second-hardest gemstone (right after diamonds) so they are very durable! Very unlikely that they’ll chip or crack. Get that bitch set in sterling silver and you are GOOD TO GO. Whole thing should cost you less than $200 unless you get a fancy band with a lot of extra stones. Of course, created sapphires come in every color of the rainbow, so if you want something more exciting than plain white, you TOTALLY CAN.  Created sapphires and silver: The poor Millennial’s engagement ring.  THANK YOU EX-JARED’S BASED GOD.  engagement rings: HACKED
Ass, Bailey Jay, and Bitch: The Economist
 -Follow
 Economist
 TheEconomist
 Why aren't millennials buying diamonds?
 econ.st/294G6yf
dxisybuchanan:

everythingcanadian:

ariaste:

wildhaunt:

everkings:

kid-communism:

combatbooty:

1) they expensive bruh 2) none of us kno the dif btwn a fucking diamond and some fancy ass glass ur capitalist rock hierarchy has no control over us

3) mostly mined with slave labor

4) we get excited when our date buys us an appetizer, we don’t even comprehend people buying us rocks that would force us into debt for ten years

5) They aren’t actually that rare and the price is artificially inflated. 

Pro tip from a former Jared’s salesperson: You want a sparkly white rock that will look like a diamond to the untrained eye and will literally cost the price of a nice dinner for two? Created white sapphire. They’re lab grown and cost *pennies* to make, so you can get a 1 or 2 carat white sapphire for like… $30-80 probably. You can get one as huge as you like, perfectly clear, perfectly flawless. And no one will ever be able to tell the difference except a professional appraiser. Also, sapphires are the second-hardest gemstone (right after diamonds) so they are very durable! Very unlikely that they’ll chip or crack. Get that bitch set in sterling silver and you are GOOD TO GO. Whole thing should cost you less than $200 unless you get a fancy band with a lot of extra stones. Of course, created sapphires come in every color of the rainbow, so if you want something more exciting than plain white, you TOTALLY CAN. 
Created sapphires and silver: The poor Millennial’s engagement ring. 

THANK YOU EX-JARED’S BASED GOD. 

engagement rings: HACKED

dxisybuchanan: everythingcanadian: ariaste: wildhaunt: everkings: kid-communism: combatbooty: 1) they expensive bruh 2) none of us kn...

Apple, Cars, and Driving: DID YOU KNOW THAT BY 2040 MARS COULD BE COLONISED, BY US, WITHACITY? TH E F U T U RE ACCORDING TO LON MUS Read on to discover some of the most out-there predictions made by the tech pioneer 2024 2018 Humans will fly into space by reusable rockets in 2015, Musk announced on The Late Show that i company Spacex soon lonch eusoble rockets Artificial Intelligence (A.I) will pose a real threat to the human race n on interview with Edge.org in 201%, Musk soid 2025 Tesla will be as valuable as Apple Elon Musk made o bold claim in 2015 againat the own motor compony Teslo Inel et Appe Humans will set foot on Mars in only a handitul of yeas, Ms hes predicted hat me ill be oble to send people to Mars for the 2027 More than half of all new vehicles will be electric Within the nest 10 years, the tech guru predicts thot more then half of new US vehicles will be fully lectrie, and in the same timefrome, complesly 2033 Solar will become the main source of power solved lechnicol ies eeded to moke sell driving cos e reality The only thing stonding in the way hat solor would become te plurality of power win 20 eas and will beat eveything 2037 Cars will no longer have steering wheels in them As predeted indefinite "to of autono We will colonise Mars with a city Citing the short iespan and sceesses of Sp Musk stoted thet by the time is company has ษ.led he " ts to hos cremel citu ontheGod she olso " sted thot ขาย for @ 20%0 A.l. will completely surpass humans None to dompen his fears obout an 2060 A million people will live on Mars o leet of ssnger shipe provided by Spo HOW MANY OF THESE PREDICTIONS WILL BECOME A REALITY IN YOUR LIFETIME? RS The future according to elon musk
Apple, Cars, and Driving: DID YOU KNOW THAT BY 2040 MARS COULD
 BE COLONISED, BY US, WITHACITY?
 TH E
 F U T U RE
 ACCORDING TO
 LON MUS
 Read on to discover some
 of the most out-there
 predictions made by the
 tech pioneer
 2024
 2018
 Humans will fly into space
 by reusable rockets
 in 2015, Musk announced on The Late Show that i
 company Spacex soon lonch eusoble rockets
 Artificial Intelligence (A.I)
 will pose a real threat to
 the human race
 n on interview with Edge.org in 201%, Musk soid
 2025
 Tesla will be as valuable
 as Apple
 Elon Musk made o bold claim in 2015 againat the
 own motor compony Teslo Inel et Appe
 Humans will set foot
 on Mars
 in only a handitul of yeas, Ms hes predicted hat
 me ill be oble to send people to Mars for the
 2027
 More than half of all new
 vehicles will be electric
 Within the nest 10 years, the tech guru predicts thot
 more then half of new US vehicles will be fully
 lectrie, and in the same timefrome, complesly
 2033
 Solar will become the main
 source of power
 solved lechnicol ies eeded to moke sell driving
 cos e reality The only thing stonding in the way
 hat solor would become te plurality of power
 win 20 eas and will beat eveything
 2037
 Cars will no longer have
 steering wheels in them
 As predeted indefinite "to of autono
 We will colonise Mars with
 a city
 Citing the short iespan and sceesses of Sp
 Musk stoted thet by the time is company has
 ษ.led he " ts to hos cremel citu ontheGod
 she olso "
 sted thot ขาย
 for @
 20%0
 A.l. will completely
 surpass humans
 None to dompen his fears obout an
 2060
 A million people will live
 on Mars
 o leet of ssnger shipe provided by Spo
 HOW MANY OF THESE PREDICTIONS WILL
 BECOME A REALITY IN YOUR LIFETIME?
 RS
The future according to elon musk

The future according to elon musk

Gif, Lmao, and Lol: Laughs) No. we won't be apologizing badgyal-k: rebelliousrebe: bananadome: Lmao this is my new favorite gif  none of us lol Nigga motto for the rest of time
Gif, Lmao, and Lol: Laughs) No. we won't be apologizing
badgyal-k:

rebelliousrebe:


bananadome:

Lmao this is my new favorite gif 

none of us lol


Nigga motto for the rest of time

badgyal-k: rebelliousrebe: bananadome: Lmao this is my new favorite gif  none of us lol Nigga motto for the rest of time

America, Ass, and England: my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait. you mean to tell me this isn't even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? wake up australia That's what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit up a lite bitn It's cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called swooping season and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it's fucking brutal My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange what the actual fuck australia Hard NOPE. 0/10 would not Australia
America, Ass, and England: my friend left her
 window open in her
 bedroom and came
 back to find this
 look at his self-satisfied
 little face, the cheeky
 shit
 motherfucking australia
 if there was a post to
 describe australia, this is it
 wait.
 you mean to tell me this isn't
 even a pet bird?
 that in australia, you have wild
 birds that just fly from house to
 house with the express purpose
 of fucking shit up?
 fucking HELL australia, what is
 wrong with you?
 wake up australia
 That's what birds do
 They fly around and fuck shit up
 Do you have some kind of mysterious nice
 birds in your weird foreign country
 Do birds in America and England fly into
 your house and make the bed and tidy up
 the living room a little bit
 up
 a lite bitn
 It's cold here, so they just bounce off the
 windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically
 while you look for the shovel.
 Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst
 thing birds do
 yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at
 my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of
 the desk for a good 20 minutes
 why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there
 are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that
 they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called
 swooping season and these birds will fly down to peck your
 fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit,
 it's fucking brutal
 My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of
 swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the
 kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to
 kill us.
 no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the
 way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like
 branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is
 considered strange
 what the actual fuck australia
Hard NOPE. 0/10 would not Australia

Hard NOPE. 0/10 would not Australia