Distression
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distressed: vaspider: shaaknaa: emi–rose: osberend: iopele: suspendnodisbelief: naamahdarling: optimysticals: youwantmuchmore: thebestoftumbling: golden eagle having a relaxing time This is the world’s largest flying Engine of Murder marveling at the fact that it can actually have its tummy rubbed. I feel like this is the next step up on “loose your fingers” roulette from petting a kittie’s tummy, but just below belly rubs for say a lion. Can someone who knows birds better than I do tell me whether this eagle is as happy as it looks?  Because I want it to be happy.  It looks so happy.  Bewildered by having a friend, but so happy. Just popping on this thread to confirm: yes, the eagle is happy about the belly rubs. Golden eagles make this sound when receiving allopreening and similar affectionate and soothing treatment from their parents and mates. It’s the “I am safe and well fed, and somebody familiar is taking good care of me” sound. Angry raptors and wounded raptors make some pretty dramatic hisses and shrieks; frightened raptors go dead silent and try to hide if they can, or fluff up big and get loud and in-your-face if hiding isn’t an option. They can easily sever a finger or break the bones of a human hand or wrist, and even with a very thick leather falconer’s gauntlet, I’ve known falconers to leave a mews (hawk house) with graphic punctures THROUGH the gauntlet into the meat of their hands and arms, just from buteos and kestrels way smaller than this eagle. A pissed off hawk will make damn sure you don’t try twice whatever you pulled that pissed her off, even if she’s been human-imprinted. If you’re ever unsure about an animal’s level of okayness with something that’s happening, there are three spot-check questions you can ask, to common-sense your way through it: 1. Is the animal capable of defending itself or making a threatening or fearful display, or otherwise giving protest, and if so, is it using this ability? (e.g. dog snarling or biting, swan hissing, horse kicking or biting) 2. Does the animal experience an incentive-based relationship with the human? (i.e. does the animal have a reason, in the animal’s frame of reference, for being near this human? e.g. dog sharing companionship / food / shelter, hawk receiving good quality abundant food and shelter and medical care from a falconer) 3. Is the animal a domesticated species, with at least a full century of consistent species cohabitation with humans? (Domesticated animals frequently are conditioned from birth or by selective breeding to be unbothered by human actions that upset their feral nearest relatives.) In this situation, YES the eagle can self-defend, YES the eagle has incentive to cooperate with and trust the human handler, and NO the eagle is not a domesticated species, meaning we can expect a high level of reactivity to distress, compared to domestic animals: if the eagle was distressed, it would be pretty visible and apparent to the viewer. These aren’t a universally applicable metric, but they’re a good start for mammal and bird interactions. Pair that with the knowledge that eagles reserve those chirps for calm environments, and you can be pretty secure and comfy in the knowledge that the big honkin’ birb is happy and cozy. Also, to anybody wondering, falconers are almost single-handedly responsible for the recovery from near-extinction of several raptor species, including and especially peregrine falcons. Most hawks only live with the falconer for a year, and most of that year is spent getting the bird in ideal condition for survival and success as a wild breeding adult. Falconers are extensively trained and dedicated wildlife conservationists, pretty much by definition, especially in the continental USA, and they make up an unspeakably important part of the overall conservation of predatory bird species. Predatory birds are an important part of every ecosystem they inhabit. Just like apiarists and their bees, the relationship between falconer and hawk is one of great benefit to the animal and the ecosystem, in exchange for a huge amount of time, effort, expense, and education on the part of the human, for very little personal benefit to that one human. It’s definitely not exploitation of the bird, and most hawks working with falconers are hawks who absolutely would not have reached adulthood without human help: the sick, the injured, and the “runts” of the nest who don’t receive adequate resources from their own parents. These are, by and large, wonderful people who are in love with the natural world and putting a lifetime of knowledge and sheer exhausting work into conserving it and its winged wonders. reblogged for excellent info, I’m so glad that big gorgeous birb really is as happy as it looks! Today’s bit of positive activism: A reminder that, although the world may contain many bad and awful things, it also contains an enormous winged predator clucking happily as a human gives it a belly rub. @marywhal is bird-cat!! @vaspider birb
distressed: vaspider:
shaaknaa:


emi–rose:


osberend:

iopele:

suspendnodisbelief:

naamahdarling:

optimysticals:

youwantmuchmore:

thebestoftumbling:



golden eagle having a relaxing time



This is the world’s largest flying Engine of Murder marveling at the fact that it can actually have its tummy rubbed.

I feel like this is the next step up on “loose your fingers” roulette from petting a kittie’s tummy, but just below belly rubs for say a lion.

Can someone who knows birds better than I do tell me whether this eagle is as happy as it looks?  Because I want it to be happy.  It looks so happy.  Bewildered by having a friend, but so happy.

Just popping on this thread to confirm: yes, the eagle is happy about the belly rubs. Golden eagles make this sound when receiving allopreening and similar affectionate and soothing treatment from their parents and mates. It’s the “I am safe and well fed, and somebody familiar is taking good care of me” sound. Angry raptors and wounded raptors make some pretty dramatic hisses and shrieks; frightened raptors go dead silent and try to hide if they can, or fluff up big and get loud and in-your-face if hiding isn’t an option. They can easily sever a finger or break the bones of a human hand or wrist, and even with a very thick leather falconer’s gauntlet, I’ve known falconers to leave a mews (hawk house) with graphic punctures THROUGH the gauntlet into the meat of their hands and arms, just from buteos and kestrels way smaller than this eagle. A pissed off hawk will make damn sure you don’t try twice whatever you pulled that pissed her off, even if she’s been human-imprinted.
If you’re ever unsure about an animal’s level of okayness with something that’s happening, there are three spot-check questions you can ask, to common-sense your way through it:
1. Is the animal capable of defending itself or making a threatening or fearful display, or otherwise giving protest, and if so, is it using this ability? (e.g. dog snarling or biting, swan hissing, horse kicking or biting) 2. Does the animal experience an incentive-based relationship with the human? (i.e. does the animal have a reason, in the animal’s frame of reference, for being near this human? e.g. dog sharing companionship / food / shelter, hawk receiving good quality abundant food and shelter and medical care from a falconer)
3. Is the animal a domesticated species, with at least a full century of consistent species cohabitation with humans? (Domesticated animals frequently are conditioned from birth or by selective breeding to be unbothered by human actions that upset their feral nearest relatives.)
In this situation, YES the eagle can self-defend, YES the eagle has incentive to cooperate with and trust the human handler, and NO the eagle is not a domesticated species, meaning we can expect a high level of reactivity to distress, compared to domestic animals: if the eagle was distressed, it would be pretty visible and apparent to the viewer. These aren’t a universally applicable metric, but they’re a good start for mammal and bird interactions.
Pair that with the knowledge that eagles reserve those chirps for calm environments, and you can be pretty secure and comfy in the knowledge that the big honkin’ birb is happy and cozy.
Also, to anybody wondering, falconers are almost single-handedly responsible for the recovery from near-extinction of several raptor species, including and especially peregrine falcons. Most hawks only live with the falconer for a year, and most of that year is spent getting the bird in ideal condition for survival and success as a wild breeding adult. Falconers are extensively trained and dedicated wildlife conservationists, pretty much by definition, especially in the continental USA, and they make up an unspeakably important part of the overall conservation of predatory bird species. Predatory birds are an important part of every ecosystem they inhabit. Just like apiarists and their bees, the relationship between falconer and hawk is one of great benefit to the animal and the ecosystem, in exchange for a huge amount of time, effort, expense, and education on the part of the human, for very little personal benefit to that one human. It’s definitely not exploitation of the bird, and most hawks working with falconers are hawks who absolutely would not have reached adulthood without human help: the sick, the injured, and the “runts” of the nest who don’t receive adequate resources from their own parents. These are, by and large, wonderful people who are in love with the natural world and putting a lifetime of knowledge and sheer exhausting work into conserving it and its winged wonders.

reblogged for excellent info, I’m so glad that big gorgeous birb really is as happy as it looks!

Today’s bit of positive activism: A reminder that, although the world may contain many bad and awful things, it also contains an enormous winged predator clucking happily as a human gives it a belly rub.


@marywhal is bird-cat!!


@vaspider 


birb

vaspider: shaaknaa: emi–rose: osberend: iopele: suspendnodisbelief: naamahdarling: optimysticals: youwantmuchmore: thebestoftum...

distressed: A Simple Mental Health Pain Scale thegracefulpatient.wordpress.com 1 2 3 Everything is a-okay! There is absolutely nothing wrong. You're probably cuddling a fluffy kitten right now. Enjoy! You're a bit frustrated or disappointed, but you're easily distracted and cheered up with little effort. Things are bothering you, but you're coping. You might be overtired or hungry. The emotional equivalent of a headache. M (OToday is a bad day (or a few bad days). You 4 5 5 6 still have the skills to get through it, but be gentle with yourself. Use self-care strategies Your mental health is starting to impact or your everyday life. Easy things are becoming difficult. You should talk to your doctor. You can't do things the way you usually do them due to your mental health. Impulsive and compulsive thoughts may be hard to cope with. You're avoiding things that make you more distressed, but that will make it worse. You should definitely seek help.This is serious. 7 8 9 10: You can't hide your struggles anymore. You may have issues sleeping, eating, having fun, socialising, and work/study. Your mental health is affecting almost all parts of your life You're at a critical point. You aren't functioning anymore. You need urgent help. You may be a risk to yourself or others if left untreated The worst mental and emotional distress possible. You can no longer care for yourself. You can't imagine things getting any worse. Contact a crisis line immediately. roane72: stevviefox: beauty-grace-outer-space: southernbitchface: buddhaprayerbeads: A simple mental health pain scale. I’m so thankful this exists. I think that many people with mental health issues (myself included) downplay what they’re going through. I’m an 8 right now. If I hadn’t seen this chart tonight I’d keep denying my struggle. Now I have to face it. Reblogging for my followers. My own mental health took a bit of a nosedive last week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. ♡♡ FYI for any who need it. Please seek help. This is clarifying for me. A 6 is a good day. I live at a 7-8. This summer I spent a lot of time at 9. (Yes, I have an excellent therapist and a lot of meds, this is just the way it is.) I’m hoping with the additional support I’m starting to get, I can drop back to 4-6.
distressed: A Simple Mental Health Pain Scale
 thegracefulpatient.wordpress.com
 1
 2
 3
 Everything is a-okay! There is absolutely
 nothing wrong. You're probably cuddling a
 fluffy kitten right now. Enjoy!
 You're a bit frustrated or disappointed, but
 you're easily distracted and cheered up
 with little effort.
 Things are bothering you, but you're coping.
 You might be overtired or hungry. The
 emotional equivalent of a headache.

 M (OToday is a bad day (or a few bad days). You
 4 5
 5
 6
 still have the skills to get through it, but be
 gentle with yourself. Use self-care strategies
 Your mental health is starting to impact or
 your everyday life. Easy things are becoming
 difficult. You should talk to your doctor.
 You can't do things the way you usually do
 them due to your mental health. Impulsive and
 compulsive thoughts may be hard to cope with.

 You're avoiding things that make you more
 distressed, but that will make it worse. You
 should definitely seek help.This is serious.
 7
 8
 9
 10:
 You can't hide your struggles anymore. You
 may have issues sleeping, eating, having fun,
 socialising, and work/study. Your mental
 health is affecting almost all parts of your life
 You're at a critical point. You aren't functioning
 anymore. You need urgent help. You may be a
 risk to yourself or others if left untreated
 The worst mental and emotional distress
 possible. You can no longer care for
 yourself. You can't imagine things getting
 any worse. Contact a crisis line immediately.
roane72:
stevviefox:

beauty-grace-outer-space:

southernbitchface:

buddhaprayerbeads:
A simple mental health pain scale.

I’m so thankful this exists. I think that many people with mental health issues (myself included) downplay what they’re going through.
I’m an 8 right now. If I hadn’t seen this chart tonight I’d keep denying my struggle. Now I have to face it.


Reblogging for my followers. My own mental health took a bit of a nosedive last week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. ♡♡


FYI for any who need it.  Please seek help.  

This is clarifying for me. A 6 is a good day. I live at a 7-8. This summer I spent a lot of time at 9. (Yes, I have an excellent therapist and a lot of meds, this is just the way it is.) I’m hoping with the additional support I’m starting to get, I can drop back to 4-6.

roane72: stevviefox: beauty-grace-outer-space: southernbitchface: buddhaprayerbeads: A simple mental health pain scale. I’m so thankf...

distressed: krista (030) y@cherryblushed i used to read 3-4 full sized novels in middle school. now i see anything longer than a paragraph and bounce. i'll miss u brain cells, can't believe u peaked at age 12 15/9/18, 1:04 pm 68 Retweets 238 Likes takingbackmyfirstamendmentrights: dewdrop156: memecage: It do be like that. I was having a surprisingly good conversation with my sister recently and I was talking about how one of the reasons I don’t read as much as I used to is because I don’t have the same resources I did when I was a 4th grader. When I was a kid, I could sit and read all I wanted, all I had to to was exist and go where people took me. I didn’t have to feed myself or pay bills or keep track of things, which of course now I have to deal with all of those things so I can’t read as much and tend to read pretty easy to read books. My sister brought up the really good point that, of course I want to read easy books, I’m a young adult, in a very tumultuous phase of life, constantly being thrown new information, my brain doesnt want a classical novel, my brain wants something readable and immersive. tl;dr don’t feel bad for not reading as much as you used to, it’s okay. Read what you can when you can and don’t stress about the rest But nowadays, there are so many more resources for reading that you can gain access to. Even though you’re busy and stressed out my life, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to strive to read whenever possible. I’ve compiled this basic list of super accessible ways to read in the modern age.1. LibbyLibby is a library app, and it free to use. If you have a library card (which you can either pick up at a branch or online, depending on where you live), you put in your information, and you have access to your library’s ebooks and audiobooks. Generally, you can check ebooks out for two to three weeks, and it gives you the option to renew (if someone isn’t waiting in line for that book) or return early. It’s super user- friendly. If you want to scam the system a little bit, a lot of libraries give you 30 to 60 days after making a card online to come in and actually get a physical card and show your ID. If you are looking for a specific book that your library may not have, make library cards at other locations with fake addresses and check out their supply. I personally have about eight library cards, so I always can find what I’m looking for unless it’s super rare. 2. KindleWhile you can buy the actual Amazon e-reader, you can also just use the free app. There are a bunch of ebooks you can read for free, or for a low price. If you have Kindle Unlimited ($10/month), you can borrow up to ten KU books at a time for as long as you want. A lot of authors have KU books, so it’s a good way to go. 3. NookBarnes and Noble’s Nook is similar to the Kindle—comes in a physical e-reader, but is also usable as a free app. I will say I find that their selection generally costs more than Amazon’s selection, but it’s an option if you prefer to stay away from Amazon products. One thing they do sometime around the end of the year is send you out a refund check for all the books that you purchased through them that were at a higher market price then they would’ve been elsewhere. I’ve gotten like three of these, so I figure it’s a regular thing. 4. AudibleFor people who are sight-impaired or have difficulty sitting down and reading a book, audiobooks are SO the way to go. When you sign up, you can receive up to two free audiobooks, and whatever plan you decide to go with gives you two free audiobooks a month (from a specific selection) in addition to your credits! If you have Kindle ebooks, there is sometimes an option to purchase the accompanying Audible audiobook for a super discounted rate. If you don’t like an audiobook, you can call in to return it at any time. I have something like forty or fifty audiobooks from them, and I’ve exchanged another twenty. These options are all in addition to physical books from your local library, and discount bookstores. The nice thing about ebooks is that generally they have the option to highlight and bookmark pages, change the font size and type, and even change the color of the page if you prefer.I always thought audiobooks were for old people until a few years ago when I was commuting about three hours a day for work. I wasn’t reading nearly as much, and as an avid reader, that distressed me greatly.Finally, I looked into audiobooks and it was a huge life changer. Instead of wasting three hours a day in traffic, I was reading for three hours a day that I would’ve otherwise not been able to. Not only does it make a trip go faster, but it makes it much more enjoyable.And even if you don’t want it for the commute or for the gym, audiobooks are a really good option for people who have vision problems. I have migraines when I stare at screens too much, so I pop on an audiobook and just crochet or do the dishes. I have a friend who has very bad eyesight, and he has not been able to read in something close to a year. I set him up with a library card and a Libby account, and all of a sudden, he was able to catch up on all the books he had been wanting to read!I’m just saying, I promote reading because no matter what you read, you’re learning something. Even though life is stressful and crazy and distracting, there are still ways you can find to sit down and curl up with a good book. “My brother has his sword, I have my books. And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.” -Tyrion Lannister
distressed: krista (030)
 y@cherryblushed
 i used to read 3-4 full sized
 novels in middle school. now i see
 anything longer than a paragraph
 and bounce. i'll miss u brain cells,
 can't believe u peaked at age 12
 15/9/18, 1:04 pm
 68 Retweets 238 Likes
takingbackmyfirstamendmentrights:

dewdrop156:
memecage:
It do be like that.

I was having a surprisingly good conversation with my sister recently and I was talking about how one of the reasons I don’t read as much as I used to is because I don’t have the same resources I did when I was a 4th grader. When I was a kid, I could sit and read all I wanted, all I had to to was exist and go where people took me. I didn’t have to feed myself or pay bills or keep track of things, which of course now I have to deal with all of those things so I can’t read as much and tend to read pretty easy to read books. My sister brought up the really good point that, of course I want to read easy books, I’m a young adult, in a very tumultuous phase of life, constantly being thrown new information, my brain doesnt want a classical novel, my brain wants something readable and immersive. 
tl;dr don’t feel bad for not reading as much as you used to, it’s okay. Read what you can when you can and don’t stress about the rest


But nowadays, there are so many more resources for reading that you can gain access to. Even though you’re busy and stressed out my life, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to strive to read whenever possible. I’ve compiled this basic list of super accessible ways to read in the modern age.1. LibbyLibby is a library app, and it free to use. If you have a library card (which you can either pick up at a branch or online, depending on where you live), you put in your information, and you have access to your library’s ebooks and audiobooks. Generally, you can check ebooks out for two to three weeks, and it gives you the option to renew (if someone isn’t waiting in line for that book) or return early. It’s super user- friendly. If you want to scam the system a little bit, a lot of libraries give you 30 to 60 days after making a card online to come in and actually get a physical card and show your ID. If you are looking for a specific book that your library may not have, make library cards at other locations with fake addresses and check out their supply. I personally have about eight library cards, so I always can find what I’m looking for unless it’s super rare. 2. KindleWhile you can buy the actual Amazon e-reader, you can also just use the free app. There are a bunch of ebooks you can read for free, or for a low price. If you have Kindle Unlimited ($10/month), you can borrow up to ten KU books at a time for as long as you want. A lot of authors have KU books, so it’s a good way to go. 3. NookBarnes and Noble’s Nook is similar to the Kindle—comes in a physical e-reader, but is also usable as a free app. I will say I find that their selection generally costs more than Amazon’s selection, but it’s an option if you prefer to stay away from Amazon products. One thing they do sometime around the end of the year is send you out a refund check for all the books that you purchased through them that were at a higher market price then they would’ve been elsewhere. I’ve gotten like three of these, so I figure it’s a regular thing. 4. AudibleFor people who are sight-impaired or have difficulty sitting down and reading a book, audiobooks are SO the way to go. When you sign up, you can receive up to two free audiobooks, and whatever plan you decide to go with gives you two free audiobooks a month (from a specific selection) in addition to your credits! If you have Kindle ebooks, there is sometimes an option to purchase the accompanying Audible audiobook for a super discounted rate. If you don’t like an audiobook, you can call in to return it at any time. I have something like forty or fifty audiobooks from them, and I’ve exchanged another twenty. These options are all in addition to physical books from your local library, and discount bookstores. The nice thing about ebooks is that generally they have the option to highlight and bookmark pages, change the font size and type, and even change the color of the page if you prefer.I always thought audiobooks were for old people until a few years ago when I was commuting about three hours a day for work. I wasn’t reading nearly as much, and as an avid reader, that distressed me greatly.Finally, I looked into audiobooks and it was a huge life changer. Instead of wasting three hours a day in traffic, I was reading for three hours a day that I would’ve otherwise not been able to. Not only does it make a trip go faster, but it makes it much more enjoyable.And even if you don’t want it for the commute or for the gym, audiobooks are a really good option for people who have vision problems. I have migraines when I stare at screens too much, so I pop on an audiobook and just crochet or do the dishes. I have a friend who has very bad eyesight, and he has not been able to read in something close to a year. I set him up with a library card and a Libby account, and all of a sudden, he was able to catch up on all the books he had been wanting to read!I’m just saying, I promote reading because no matter what you read, you’re learning something. Even though life is stressful and crazy and distracting, there are still ways you can find to sit down and curl up with a good book.

“My brother has his sword, I have my books. And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.” -Tyrion Lannister

takingbackmyfirstamendmentrights: dewdrop156: memecage: It do be like that. I was having a surprisingly good conversation with my siste...

distressed: i-should-be-writing-rn: inlovewithaleheather: thecuckoohaslanded: gerbthenerd: alexander-lamington: thelizardprincess: biglawbear: blacksirencry: swaglexander-the-great: #That’s a#That’s a blue ringed octopus#You’re going to die do you realise that#It is literally one of the most deadly animals in the world#Not just in Australia or just in the ocean in THE WORLD#Put it DOWN#And go to a hospital jfc via platonic-rabbit  me tryna find out if this fool died “The blue-ringed octopus, despite its small size, carries enough venom to kill twenty-six adult humans within minutes. Their bites are tiny and often painless, with many victims not realizing they have been envenomated until respiratory depression and paralysis start to set in.[8] No blue-ringed octopus antivenom is available yet, making it one of the deadliest reef inhabitants in the ocean.” Holy shit And this is why I don’t go in the ocean anymore Also the blue rings literally only show up when it is distressed so this person has angered it!!! You are in danger friend!!! Actually this guy keeps them as pets they’re on his instagram (william_exotique) and he frequently holds then and I just? Don’t know why? And also every picture or video he posts of them shows the blue rings so they’re always in distress I just do not understand why he’s doing this #AMY EXPLAIN HOW DUMB THIS GUY IS  I mean OP pretty much covered it.  A blue ringed octopus is almost on the level of CONE SNAIL on the list of things you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PICK UP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. But ask and you shall receive,  On this episode of “Fun Facts With Cuckoo,” DEAD.  YOU’RE DEAD.  EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND YOU SHOULD NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING IN THE OCEAN EVER AGAIN. There are many things that will kill you. [citation needed] There are fewer, but still many things that will kill you FAST. There are yet fewer things that kill you fast and by such an overwhelming margin of overkill that nervous laughter is our only solace in the dark of this terrible, surprisingly Lovecraftian world of unearthly horrors that we live in. Of the things that I know about which will kill you fast via just plain insultingly potent venom, which is a not insignificant number of things because I know a not insignificant number of things, there are about 3 things in the ocean – IN THE WHOLE OCEAN – which are so insanely, mind-bogglingly deadly that there is pretty much no possible hope for survival (I mean you CAN, but god help you if you’re ever in that situation, because god’s just about damn near the only thing that CAN help you).  THE. WHOLE. OCEAN. Those three things are the Irukandji (a tiny (1cm) species of box jellyfish, which has stingers not only on its tentacles but on its BELL, for reasons no one has definitively figured out, and is so toxic despite its size its sting can cause a severe brain hemorrhage), the cone snail (a group of carnivorous sea snails that is accepted to be the most venomous animals on earth, with a STUPIDLY fast acting and extremely powerful neurotoxin that has in at least one case killed a human ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY, because the swimmer who found two beautiful shells (unfortunately cone snails tend to have very pretty shells which makes people want to pick them up) was holding them up for a picture and ended up being stabbed in the neck by not one but TWO cone snails at the same time, and it is believed that she was literally dead before she hit the ground, I mean LITERALLY in a 100% non-fictional and non-exaggerated way, in between the time the two cone snails stabbed her and the time her limp body hit the sand, she was not alive anymore), and the blue ringed octopus. It is POSSIBLE to survive any of these.  But not without immediate medical attention.  Of these three, the Irukandji is by far the most treatable, because Australia and other coastal regions (including Florida and other parts of the US) are kind of experienced in dealing with box jellyfish. The blue ringed octopus will fucking kill you.  There’s no antidote for their venom, ONE COMPONENT OF WHICH (tetrodotoxin) is 1200 times deadlier than cyanide.  It’s a powerful neurotoxin (most of the worst venoms are because the species that produce them need to kill or at least paralyze their prey quickly, like jellyfish whose fragile tentacles could be damaged if their food doesn’t stop struggling) that attacks the sodium channels and causes muscle paralysis.  It doesn’t necessarily kill you quickly.  It PARALYZES you quickly, so that you can’t really call for help or describe the problem, and you will probably end up slowly suffocating from a paralyzed diaphragm.  Tetrodotoxin can be metabolized by the body in a matter of hours, but it can also kill you in a matter of minutes if you get a lethal dose (which isn’t much, the LD50 or median lethal dose, the dose at which you have a 50% chance of survival, is only 8 MICROGRAMS per kilogram of body weight (as tested in mice)).  This is, by venom standards, not a large amount, which means the animal that is capable of putting this venom inside your body is very very good at killing the absolute shit out of you. DON’T TOUCH THE BLUE RINGED OCTOPUS. Now, because overkill is my motto, let me briefly explain why Conus geographus is the undisputed champion of YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE, AND FURTHERMORE FUCK YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE. A cone snail walks into a bar.  You’d expect the bartender to ask, “what’s your poison,” but they were paralyzed before they could ask and OH LOOK they’re already FUCKING DEAD ON THE GROUND. Conus geographus is about 4-6 inches long and nature’s equivalent of Avada Kedavra.  Cone snails literally have their own KIND of toxins named after them: conotoxin.  Not only is there no antidote, but their venom AGGRESSIVELY RESISTS our ability to find a cure, because we barely understand how it works AND conotoxins are so internally varied, even within a single species, that any one antidote isn’t going to help because they’re constantly mutating and evolving their venom to prevent their prey from evolving a resistance to it.  Plus their venom is like, a bunch of different venoms all at once JUST IN CASE any one of them wasn’t good enough. I want you to read these two sentences from the wiki page on conotoxin: “Conotoxins have a variety of mechanisms of actions, most of which have not been determined.” “The LD50 of conotoxin is 50 ng/kg.” Remember how the LD50 of tetrodotoxin is 8μg/kg?  Conotoxin is 160 times more potent.  FIFTY NANOGRAMS PER KILOGRAM HAS A 50% CHANCE OF KILLING YOU. A 220-POUND HUMAN HAS A 50% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL AGAINST JUST 5 MICROGRAMS OF CONOTOXIN.   I DID SOME MATH.   IT WOULD TAKE 7-9 MILLIGRAMS OF CONOTOXIN TO KILL A BLUE WHALE, THE HEAVIEST ANIMAL TO EVER LIVE. (based on weight estimates from 300-400,000 lbs.) Conus geographus is so fucking deadly that “In two cases of envenomation, only 0.0002-0.0005 mg resulted in severe paralysis.” THIS THING KILLS STUFF SO HARD THAT BEFORE YOU HEAR THE FIRST “MORTAL KOMBAT” IN THE MORTAL KOMBAT THEME, THERE’S PROBABLY ALREADY BEEN A FATALITY. And guess what?  Cone snails don’t do that NOOB SHIT with the superficial biting or stinging.  Your wetsuit or gloves won’t protect you.  Because homeboy didn’t bring teeth to evolution’s knife fight.  Oh no.  It brought a motherfucking radula POISON HARPOON.  It’s lightning fast and has way more piercing power than some silly little cnidocytes or salivary bacteria. Another component of their venom is being researched for its potential as a pain reliever.  “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT????” you might reasonably ask.  And you would be right to do so, because science has gone too far and has surely sinned against the very image of Mollusca Kedavra.  Well, it turns out the answer is “Research shows that certain component proteins of the venom target specific human pain receptors and can be up to 10,000 times more potent than morphine without morphine’s addictive properties and side-effects.”  That’s right, the part of their venom that SPECIFICALLY DOESN’T HURT YOU is up to 10,000 times more potent than morphine. Also, Conus geographus (along with one other cone snail species, C. tulipa) is the only known non-human animal to weaponize insulin.  In addition to the normal insulin that the snails produce for their own use, their bodies manufacture an ADDITIONAL insulin molecule that is similar to the kind produced in fish (which they eat) for the sole purpose of stunning their prey through hypoglycemic shock.  BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY DON’T FEEL LIKE THEY’D KILL YOU HARD ENOUGH OTHERWISE. IF you are going to survive the ALMIGHTY CONE SNAIL, WHO KNOWS NO FEAR, TRIUMPHANT HEDGEMON OF THE MOLECULAR ARMS RACE, TRUE BORN HEIR TO THE SCYTHE OF DEATH ITSELF, FISHSLAYER, GOD AMONG MOLLUSKS, WHOSE WRATH IS MERCIFUL ONLY IN ITS BREVITY, ADMIRABLE IN ITS BEAUTY AND UNSULLIED BY THE UNWORTHY TOUCH OF MORTAL HANDS OR SCALES OR REALLY ANYTHING IN RANGE OF ITS RADULA HARPOON, then literally the only thing that’s going to save you is for you to be kept alive artificially (externalizing your respiratory functions to force your body to continue breathing, basically) until the effects of the venom wear off.  And because of how quickly this venom acts, you need to get that medical attention VERY, VERY FAST. And if you don’t get it, you will still be conscious while the paralysis slowly suffocates you to death. Don’t touch the pretty shells. I’ve never been so intrigued to learn how easily I could be fucking exterminated from existence by the overpowered sea creatures of the world. You’ve done a better job at keeping my attention then any of my teachers ever have. You know what I’m putting this on the writing blog cause I personally can see potential in some fantasy villain attempting to weaponise cone snailsIn which case, all hail snail king 🐌
distressed: i-should-be-writing-rn:

inlovewithaleheather:

thecuckoohaslanded:


gerbthenerd:

alexander-lamington:


thelizardprincess:


biglawbear:


blacksirencry:

swaglexander-the-great:


#That’s a#That’s a blue ringed octopus#You’re going to die do you realise that#It is literally one of the most deadly animals in the world#Not just in Australia or just in the ocean in THE WORLD#Put it DOWN#And go to a hospital jfc via platonic-rabbit 
me tryna find out if this fool died


“The blue-ringed octopus, despite its small size, carries enough venom to kill twenty-six adult humans within minutes. Their bites are tiny and often painless, with many victims not realizing they have been envenomated until respiratory depression and paralysis start to set in.[8] No blue-ringed octopus antivenom is available yet, making it one of the deadliest reef inhabitants in the ocean.”
Holy shit


And this is why I don’t go in the ocean anymore


Also the blue rings literally only show up when it is distressed so this person has angered it!!! You are in danger friend!!!


Actually this guy keeps them as pets they’re on his instagram (william_exotique) and he frequently holds then and I just? Don’t know why? And also every picture or video he posts of them shows the blue rings so they’re always in distress I just do not understand why he’s doing this



#AMY EXPLAIN HOW DUMB THIS GUY IS 
I mean OP pretty much covered it.  A blue ringed octopus is almost on the level of CONE SNAIL on the list of things you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PICK UP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
But ask and you shall receive,  On this episode of “Fun Facts With Cuckoo,” DEAD.  YOU’RE DEAD.  EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND YOU SHOULD NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING IN THE OCEAN EVER AGAIN.
There are many things that will kill you.

[citation needed]
There are fewer, but still many things that will kill you FAST.
There are yet fewer things that kill you fast and by such an overwhelming margin of overkill that nervous laughter is our only solace in the dark of this terrible, surprisingly Lovecraftian world of unearthly horrors that we live in.
Of the things that I know about which will kill you fast via just plain insultingly potent venom, which is a not insignificant number of things because I know a not insignificant number of things, there are about 3 things in the ocean – IN THE WHOLE OCEAN – which are so insanely, mind-bogglingly deadly that there is pretty much no possible hope for survival (I mean you CAN, but god help you if you’re ever in that situation, because god’s just about damn near the only thing that CAN help you).  THE. WHOLE. OCEAN.
Those three things are the Irukandji (a tiny (1cm) species of box jellyfish, which has stingers not only on its tentacles but on its BELL, for reasons no one has definitively figured out, and is so toxic despite its size its sting can cause a severe brain hemorrhage), the cone snail (a group of carnivorous sea snails that is accepted to be the most venomous animals on earth, with a STUPIDLY fast acting and extremely powerful neurotoxin that has in at least one case killed a human ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY, because the swimmer who found two beautiful shells (unfortunately cone snails tend to have very pretty shells which makes people want to pick them up) was holding them up for a picture and ended up being stabbed in the neck by not one but TWO cone snails at the same time, and it is believed that she was literally dead before she hit the ground, I mean LITERALLY in a 100% non-fictional and non-exaggerated way, in between the time the two cone snails stabbed her and the time her limp body hit the sand, she was not alive anymore), and the blue ringed octopus.
It is POSSIBLE to survive any of these.  But not without immediate medical attention.  Of these three, the Irukandji is by far the most treatable, because Australia and other coastal regions (including Florida and other parts of the US) are kind of experienced in dealing with box jellyfish.
The blue ringed octopus will fucking kill you.  There’s no antidote for their venom, ONE COMPONENT OF WHICH (tetrodotoxin) is 1200 times deadlier than cyanide.  It’s a powerful neurotoxin (most of the worst venoms are because the species that produce them need to kill or at least paralyze their prey quickly, like jellyfish whose fragile tentacles could be damaged if their food doesn’t stop struggling) that attacks the sodium channels and causes muscle paralysis.  It doesn’t necessarily kill you quickly.  It PARALYZES you quickly, so that you can’t really call for help or describe the problem, and you will probably end up slowly suffocating from a paralyzed diaphragm.  Tetrodotoxin can be metabolized by the body in a matter of hours, but it can also kill you in a matter of minutes if you get a lethal dose (which isn’t much, the 

LD50

 or median lethal dose, the dose at which you have a 50% chance of survival, is only 8 MICROGRAMS per kilogram of body weight (as tested in mice)).  This is, by venom standards, not a large amount, which means the animal that is capable of putting this venom inside your body is very very good at killing the absolute shit out of you.
DON’T TOUCH THE BLUE RINGED OCTOPUS.
Now, because overkill is my motto, let me briefly explain why Conus geographus is the undisputed champion of YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE, AND FURTHERMORE FUCK YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE.
A cone snail walks into a bar.  You’d expect the bartender to ask, “what’s your poison,” but they were paralyzed before they could ask and OH LOOK they’re already FUCKING DEAD ON THE GROUND.
Conus geographus is about 4-6 inches long and nature’s equivalent of Avada Kedavra.  Cone snails literally have their own KIND of toxins named after them: conotoxin.  Not only is there no antidote, but their venom AGGRESSIVELY RESISTS our ability to find a cure, because we barely understand how it works AND conotoxins are so internally varied, even within a single species, that any one antidote isn’t going to help because they’re constantly mutating and evolving their venom to prevent their prey from evolving a resistance to it.  Plus their venom is like, a bunch of different venoms all at once JUST IN CASE any one of them wasn’t good enough.
I want you to read these two sentences from the wiki page on conotoxin:
“Conotoxins have a variety of mechanisms of actions, most of which have not been determined.”


“The LD50 of conotoxin is 50 ng/kg.”
Remember how the 

LD50 of tetrodotoxin is 8μg/kg?  Conotoxin is 160 times more potent.  FIFTY NANOGRAMS PER KILOGRAM HAS A 50% CHANCE OF KILLING YOU. A 220-POUND HUMAN HAS A 50% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL AGAINST JUST 5 MICROGRAMS OF CONOTOXIN.  
I DID SOME MATH.  
IT WOULD TAKE 7-9 MILLIGRAMS OF CONOTOXIN TO KILL A BLUE WHALE, THE HEAVIEST ANIMAL TO EVER LIVE. (based on weight estimates from 300-400,000 lbs.)
Conus geographus is so fucking deadly that “In two cases of envenomation, only 0.0002-0.0005 mg resulted in severe paralysis.”
THIS THING KILLS STUFF SO HARD THAT BEFORE YOU HEAR THE FIRST “MORTAL KOMBAT” IN THE MORTAL KOMBAT THEME, THERE’S PROBABLY ALREADY BEEN A FATALITY.
And guess what?  Cone snails don’t do that NOOB SHIT with the superficial biting or stinging.  Your wetsuit or gloves won’t protect you.  Because homeboy didn’t bring teeth to evolution’s knife fight.  Oh no.  It brought a motherfucking radula POISON HARPOON.  It’s lightning fast and has way more piercing power than some silly little cnidocytes or salivary bacteria.
Another component of their venom is being researched for its potential as a pain reliever.  “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT????” you might reasonably ask.  And you would be right to do so, because science has gone too far and has surely sinned against the very image of Mollusca Kedavra.  Well, it turns out the answer is “Research shows that certain component proteins of the venom target specific human pain receptors and can be up to 10,000 times more potent than morphine without morphine’s addictive properties and side-effects.”  That’s right, the part of their venom that SPECIFICALLY DOESN’T HURT YOU is up to 10,000 times more potent than morphine.
Also, Conus geographus (along with one other cone snail species, C. tulipa) is the only known non-human animal to weaponize insulin.  In addition to the normal insulin that the snails produce for their own use, their bodies manufacture an ADDITIONAL insulin molecule that is similar to the kind produced in fish (which they eat) for the sole purpose of stunning their prey through hypoglycemic shock.  BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY DON’T FEEL LIKE THEY’D KILL YOU HARD ENOUGH OTHERWISE.
IF you are going to survive the ALMIGHTY CONE SNAIL, WHO KNOWS NO FEAR, TRIUMPHANT HEDGEMON OF THE MOLECULAR ARMS RACE, TRUE BORN HEIR TO THE SCYTHE OF DEATH ITSELF, FISHSLAYER, GOD AMONG MOLLUSKS, WHOSE WRATH IS MERCIFUL ONLY IN ITS BREVITY, ADMIRABLE IN ITS BEAUTY AND UNSULLIED BY THE UNWORTHY TOUCH OF MORTAL HANDS OR SCALES OR REALLY ANYTHING IN RANGE OF ITS RADULA HARPOON, then literally the only thing that’s going to save you is for you to be kept alive artificially (externalizing your respiratory functions to force your body to continue breathing, basically) until the effects of the venom wear off.  And because of how quickly this venom acts, you need to get that medical attention VERY, VERY FAST.
And if you don’t get it, you will still be conscious while the paralysis slowly suffocates you to death.
Don’t touch the pretty shells.


I’ve never been so intrigued to learn how easily I could be fucking exterminated from existence by the overpowered sea creatures of the world. You’ve done a better job at keeping my attention then any of my teachers ever have.


You know what I’m putting this on the writing blog cause I personally can see potential in some fantasy villain attempting to weaponise cone snailsIn which case, all hail snail king 🐌

i-should-be-writing-rn: inlovewithaleheather: thecuckoohaslanded: gerbthenerd: alexander-lamington: thelizardprincess: biglawbea...

distressed: When my toddler punches my dog, my dog growls at him. How do I stop my dog from growling at my son? Marnie Bell, studied at St Margaret's Anglican Girls' School Updated Fri Upvoted by Erika Wiggins, I trained all of my dogs to Canine Good Companion standards. and Caitie Foster, has 20+ yrs experience living with and learning about dogs. Get rid of it. If it can't follow basic directions by now, that kid is never going to be able to. Take it back to the hospital where you had it and tell them that the child just doesn't fit in to your family. They can arrange for a new home for the kid. ALTERNATIVELY you could teach your toddler to respect the dog. Growling is your warning. It's a VERY clear message that the dog is distressed about something (if your toddler punched me, I'd growl too). Your dog can't talk. Growling and body language is the only way he has to tell you that he's upset. So -Why are you letting the child punch the dog?! What is wrong with you?! You need to teach your child how to be gentle and respectful of your dog. If you don't, and the child's atrocious behavior continues, expect the next time to end in your child being bitten. Theres not much that grinds my gears as much as dogs being put down or labeled 'vicious because of stupid, irresponsible owners. Separate the 2 of them as much as possible until you can be the owner & parent your poor dog deserves. People like this do not deserve to have dogs or children 😡
distressed: When my toddler punches my dog, my dog growls at him.
 How do I stop my dog from growling at my son?
 Marnie Bell, studied at St Margaret's Anglican Girls' School
 Updated Fri Upvoted by Erika Wiggins, I trained all of my dogs to Canine
 Good Companion standards. and Caitie Foster, has 20+ yrs experience living
 with and learning about dogs.
 Get rid of it. If it can't follow basic directions by now, that kid is never going
 to be able to. Take it back to the hospital where you had it and tell them that
 the child just doesn't fit in to your family. They can arrange for a new home
 for the kid.
 ALTERNATIVELY you could teach your toddler to respect the dog. Growling
 is your warning. It's a VERY clear message that the dog is distressed about
 something (if your toddler punched me, I'd growl too). Your dog can't talk.
 Growling and body language is the only way he has to tell you that he's
 upset.
 So -Why are you letting the child punch the dog?! What is wrong with you?!
 You need to teach your child how to be gentle and respectful of your dog. If
 you don't, and the child's atrocious behavior continues, expect the next
 time to end in your child being bitten.
 Theres not much that grinds my gears as much as dogs being put down or
 labeled 'vicious because of stupid, irresponsible owners. Separate the 2 of
 them as much as possible until you can be the owner & parent your poor dog
 deserves.
People like this do not deserve to have dogs or children 😡

People like this do not deserve to have dogs or children 😡

distressed: chelhathno: sulegeo44: Making Distressed Jeans The technology for Terminators is already here and we wear it on our assess.
distressed: chelhathno:

sulegeo44:

Making Distressed Jeans

The technology for Terminators is already here and we wear it on our assess.

chelhathno: sulegeo44: Making Distressed Jeans The technology for Terminators is already here and we wear it on our assess.

distressed: nncharlesz: monobeartheater: ripppedfuel: thelightofnight: nicoffeine: OH MY GOSH I have two hands and three foods. Oh poor little dude I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN ANIMAL LOOK MORE DISTRESSED Okay, head’s up. This little critter is called a slow loris. NEVER TAKE ONE AS A PET. They’ve experienced a boom in popularity as pets in parts of Asia and then the rest of the world, and this is not okay.  Why? A) They’re endangered B) They’re venomous. The only known venomous primate, to be exact. They store it in their inner arms.They’ll get in defensive posture, suck the venom from their glands, and them bite. And the bite can kill a human. (Seriously, one nipped Lady Gaga in Feb 2014 when she thought it would be a good idea to use one in a music video. They dropped that idea, thankfully.) C) They’re endangered directly BECAUSE OF THE EXOTIC PET TRADE D) When the poachers trap them, THEY CLIP THEIR FUCKING TEETH TO MAKE THEM “MANAGEABLE.” Many slow loris’ will die before ever being sold because of complications with HAVING THEIR FUCKING TEETH CLIPPED. (There’s a reason the loris’ in the videos are only eating soft foods…) E) The exotic pet trade on slow loris’ BOOMed because of youtube videos like the one above. You wanna help these adorable looking critters? International Animal Rescue: ‘Adopt’ a Slow Loris Little Fireface Project And please make it very clear to everyone who thinks these videos are cute, that the animal in question has been stolen from it’s natural habitat and horrifically abused just so it could be a “cute” pet.
distressed: nncharlesz:

monobeartheater:

ripppedfuel:

thelightofnight:

nicoffeine:

OH MY GOSH

I have two hands and three foods.

Oh poor little dude

I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN ANIMAL LOOK MORE DISTRESSED

Okay, head’s up. This little critter is called a slow loris. NEVER TAKE ONE AS A PET. They’ve experienced a boom in popularity as pets in parts of Asia and then the rest of the world, and this is not okay. 
Why?
A) They’re endangered
B) They’re venomous. The only known venomous primate, to be exact. They store it in their inner arms.They’ll get in defensive posture, suck the venom from their glands, and them bite. And the bite can kill a human. (Seriously, one nipped Lady Gaga in Feb 2014 when she thought it would be a good idea to use one in a music video. They dropped that idea, thankfully.)
C) They’re endangered directly BECAUSE OF THE EXOTIC PET TRADE
D) When the poachers trap them, THEY CLIP THEIR FUCKING TEETH TO MAKE THEM “MANAGEABLE.” Many slow loris’ will die before ever being sold because of complications with HAVING THEIR FUCKING TEETH CLIPPED. (There’s a reason the loris’ in the videos are only eating soft foods…)
E) The exotic pet trade on slow loris’ BOOMed because of youtube videos like the one above.
You wanna help these adorable looking critters?
International Animal Rescue: ‘Adopt’ a Slow Loris
Little Fireface Project
And please make it very clear to everyone who thinks these videos are cute, that the animal in question has been stolen from it’s natural habitat and horrifically abused just so it could be a “cute” pet.

nncharlesz: monobeartheater: ripppedfuel: thelightofnight: nicoffeine: OH MY GOSH I have two hands and three foods. Oh poor little...

distressed: Spiderman clearly distressed after the murder of his uncle (2001)
distressed: Spiderman clearly distressed after the murder of his uncle (2001)

Spiderman clearly distressed after the murder of his uncle (2001)

distressed: uristmcdor It occurs to me that as much as "humans are the scary ones" fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly fhiendy or I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought Tm gonna ride on that thing And put a human near any canine predator and there's a strong chance of said human yeling PUPPYT and initiating playful interaction with it And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide Tm gonna swim with our splashy danger friends Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest toughest alens out there and say Heck with it. I'm gonna hug 'enm Why' I dunno. I gotta hug 'emm And its ike the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly umanity has a bunch of big scary friends Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans Why7 Are they more aggressive than we anticipated? nseems to be the opposite Commander Just this morming a crewman nearly lost their hand when atempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world Their reaction to the atack was to call the creature a "mean kitty" and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readly with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alen creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy's fauna 1 see what you mean So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these puppies" so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated Ehehehe I love this. Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 00% cuter and more epic Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone So 1 hear that you've just recruited a human for your ship Yes, #'s the first time that Ive worked with these species, but they come highly recommended Say, you've worked with a few, what tps can you give me? I'd hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding f its avoidable The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised Wait, what? Tm serious Dont do it. Things Happen But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board? Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excelent innovators, and are psychologically very reslient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary But Toks, didn't you just say The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pxia? The very same Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don't even get me started on that one ime with the Dunlip Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it As a pet A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun? Yup Dont leave your humans unsupervised uh,take that under advisement Senousily Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond wilth or they will make their own I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway but without any permanent pets they can get.. creative Dont even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby Three weeks in and when we finaly caught the wretched thing hailt the humans on crew tried to revolt about us "killing Stabby by removing the knfe How how did you resolve that si Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead Quite a creative solution, I suppose And that sated the humans? Worse Worse? They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on spings to both and held mock battles Then decided Stabby and Knfey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage ights between them any more So if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding pets ? Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an inter galactic pet shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners? Yes.. You don't sound very reassuring Well. You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their pets is actualy what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider 'safe is what we would consider 'safe OK..I am getting a little nervous about this No, no its fine, I'm just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order Ask them to describe the creature before they get t For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was What happened? Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My enire crew was temified of it, it was agle and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze its beans' as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it's deady claws while saying, and I quote. look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kils things, isnt it Cute? Seriousty? I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature You are not making me feel better with these stories everythingtromdust Source radioactivepeasant 28,157 notes Jan 11h 2017 HFY
distressed: uristmcdor
 It occurs to me that as much as "humans are the scary ones" fits sometimes, if
 you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly fhiendy or
 I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing
 someone if it has to, and thought Tm gonna ride on that thing
 And put a human near any canine predator and there's a strong chance of said
 human yeling PUPPYT and initiating playful interaction with it
 And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything
 else, and decide Tm gonna swim with our splashy danger friends
 Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest toughest alens out
 there and say Heck with it. I'm gonna hug 'enm
 Why'
 I dunno. I gotta hug 'emm
 And its ike the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so
 suddenly umanity has a bunch of big scary friends
 Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans
 Why7 Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?
 nseems to be the opposite Commander Just this morming a crewman nearly lost
 their hand when atempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world
 Their reaction to the atack was to call the creature a "mean kitty" and vow to win it
 over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readly with creatures outside their
 species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alen creature they have
 never seen before simply because it appears distressed I hate to say this
 commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own
 lives when interacting with the galaxy's fauna
 1 see what you mean So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch
 unknown animals without permission from a superior officer And send a message to
 supplies about acquiring one of these puppies" so that their desire to touch furred
 predators can be safely sated
 Ehehehe I love this. Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 00%
 cuter and more epic
 Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone
 So 1 hear that you've just recruited a human for your ship
 Yes, #'s the first time that Ive worked with these species, but they come highly recommended
 Say, you've worked with a few, what tps can you give me? I'd hate to have some kind of
 cultural misunderstanding f its avoidable
 The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised
 Wait, what?
 Tm serious Dont do it. Things Happen
 But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least
 one on board?
 Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excelent innovators, and are psychologically
 very reslient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can
 be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew
 member Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary
 But Toks, didn't you just say
 The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything If you leave them
 unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into It was
 sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown
 Prince to coo at him
 Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pxia?
 The very same Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don't even get me started on that one
 ime with the Dunlip Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it As a pet
 A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?
 Yup Dont leave your humans unsupervised
 uh,take that under advisement
 Senousily Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond wilth or they will make their own I
 mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway but without any permanent pets
 they can get.. creative Dont even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of
 our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby
 Three weeks in and when we finaly caught the wretched thing hailt the humans on crew tried to
 revolt about us "killing Stabby by removing the knfe
 How
 how did you resolve that si
 Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead Quite a creative
 solution, I suppose
 And that sated the humans?
 Worse
 Worse?
 They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on spings to both
 and held mock battles Then decided Stabby and Knfey were in love and now none of them will
 allow the others to stage ights between them any more
 So if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets?
 Where do I get safe bonding pets ?
 Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to
 create an inter galactic pet shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge
 If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?
 Yes..
 You don't sound very reassuring
 Well. You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their pets is actualy
 what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider 'safe is what we would consider 'safe
 OK..I am getting a little nervous about this
 No, no its fine, I'm just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order Ask them to
 describe the creature before they get t For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them
 order a pet without checking what it was
 What happened?
 Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My
 enire crew was temified of it, it was agle and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the
 human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze its
 beans' as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it's deady
 claws while saying, and I quote. look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kils things, isnt it
 Cute?
 Seriousty?
 I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or
 more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature
 You are not making me feel better with these stories
 everythingtromdust Source radioactivepeasant
 28,157 notes Jan 11h 2017
HFY

HFY

distressed: Highlights Always willing to make a rain Laughs at medioore jokers . I play s different instrument . Turned my recorder into a fully functional obacco po Very optimistic when hungover Friendship bracelets Can drive a stick shift I got bars Iget along with overy dog rve met and at a 73% oftro people rve moc. * Downsides Will be late nearly every day with iterally no excuse Will spook the customers with I have ADHD, but don't worry, I buy other peoples adderall Allergic to mushrooms (still willing to trip them) .I have been the cause of 13 car accidents (that I know ofy . Kind of bad at doing accents, usually just comes off as disrespecttuil Contributions Inventor Sauce Boss . A safe space and secure area for your sauces in the car. For a spill and worry free drive home . Part the Red Sea .The thick, untamed, poofy, distressed mane usually accompanied by a Mo Moses Tampons Coined the phrase "jean skirt hair mon in a floor length jean skirt Coined the term *Escobars When someone snorts a mix of cocaine and Xanax .Not recommended Education Bradford Elementary School Made it to round 1 of the 6th grade spelling bee Mullen High School 2008-2012 . Graduated 1st place in worst attendance in class of 2012 . Dia though Had an impact on the student handbook because I rode a donkey to schook of Northem Colorado 2012-201 Survived Greeley Majored in like 7 different things so I'm well rounded University of the Virgin Isiands 2015-2017 Majored in Political Science and English- Creative Whiting School blew away in Hurricane Irma School cut major Jobs I Didnt Quit In Less Than 3 Weeks Or Get Fired From Colorado Saddlery 2012-Present I make everyone feel good about themselves in the company because I ne ver know what's going on there They don't pay me anymore but I still show up from time to time . Laboniously diverse in that bitch . I programmed their Alexa to play the world's national anthems at noon ever y day - They pretty much can't fire me thered e Intenship in Haiti 2016 Partially fluent in Haitian Creole, which I speak in when dicey fools speak to me at the bar and I want them to leave 4ever Spent about a year total in Hait I had Zika, so don't worry, I won't be having children any time soono Harley Davidson-St. Thomas . I folded shits, talked to drunk people, then I sold said shits to said drunk p eople I'm very impressive at folding shirts Reason(s) I Dipped: I wanted to get off the islandl over Christmas I kept accidentally throwing piles of clothes onto the owner's chihuahua a d I felt really guilty about ito They said I quit better than any other employee they've had, that was co sort of Local Color Clothing Boutique More folding, but the clothes were more expensive) Some girl just dropped this resume off at my work
distressed: Highlights
 Always willing to make a rain
 Laughs at medioore jokers
 . I play s different instrument
 . Turned my recorder into a fully functional obacco po
 Very optimistic when hungover
 Friendship bracelets
 Can drive a stick shift
 I got bars
 Iget along with overy dog rve met and at a 73% oftro people rve moc.
 *
 Downsides
 Will be late nearly every day with iterally no excuse
 Will spook the customers with
 I have ADHD, but don't worry, I buy other peoples adderall
 Allergic to mushrooms (still willing to trip them)
 .I have been the cause of 13 car accidents (that I know ofy
 . Kind of bad at doing accents, usually just comes off as disrespecttuil
 Contributions
 Inventor
 Sauce Boss
 . A safe space and secure area for your sauces in the car.
 For a spill and worry free drive home
 . Part the Red Sea
 .The thick, untamed, poofy, distressed mane usually accompanied by a Mo
 Moses Tampons
 Coined the phrase "jean skirt hair
 mon in a floor length jean skirt
 Coined the term *Escobars
 When someone snorts a mix of cocaine and Xanax
 .Not recommended
 Education
 Bradford Elementary School
 Made it to round 1 of the 6th grade spelling bee
 Mullen High School 2008-2012
 .
 Graduated 1st place in worst attendance in class of 2012
 .

 Dia
 though
 Had an impact on the student handbook because I rode a donkey to schook
 of Northem Colorado 2012-201
 Survived Greeley
 Majored in like 7 different things so I'm well rounded
 University of the Virgin Isiands 2015-2017
 Majored in Political Science and English- Creative Whiting
 School blew away in Hurricane Irma
 School cut major
 Jobs I Didnt Quit In Less Than 3 Weeks Or Get Fired From
 Colorado Saddlery 2012-Present
 I make everyone feel good about themselves in the company because I ne
 ver know what's going on there
 They don't pay me anymore but I still show up from time to time
 . Laboniously diverse in that bitch
 . I programmed their Alexa to play the world's national anthems at noon ever
 y day
 - They pretty much can't fire me thered
 e Intenship in Haiti 2016
 Partially fluent in Haitian Creole, which I speak in when dicey fools speak to
 me at the bar and I want them to leave 4ever
 Spent about a year total in Hait
 I had Zika, so don't worry, I won't be having children any time soono
 Harley Davidson-St. Thomas
 . I folded shits, talked to drunk people, then I sold said shits to said drunk p
 eople
 I'm very impressive at folding shirts
 Reason(s) I Dipped:
 I wanted to get off the islandl over Christmas
 I kept accidentally throwing piles of clothes onto the owner's chihuahua a
 d I felt really guilty about ito
 They said I quit better than any other employee they've had, that was co
 sort of
 Local Color Clothing Boutique
 More folding, but the clothes were more expensive)
Some girl just dropped this resume off at my work

Some girl just dropped this resume off at my work

distressed: bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejunkie: erinnightwalker: erinnightwalker: geostatonary: sixpenceee: “A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.” (Source) “HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.” “LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“ I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia. One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless. For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura. When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch. I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats. What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.) The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words. The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel. Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music. Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.) After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss. “……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.” “No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!” “WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.” “What the hell does that mean?!!” “DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.” “……..” “THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.” Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this…. Since you asked nicely ^_^ Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job. After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.) Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it. Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.) He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound. “You….you alright there buddy?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Right. Um. Well.” Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form. When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window. Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges. “Nice night for it, huh?” “…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢ “ “Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.” “ I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ ͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞ ̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟ ̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Anytime.” There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son. When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included). IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!! Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.) While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.) So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy. When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open. A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps. “GACK!” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?” “GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!” “I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Is he supposed to be…..skinless?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.” “…….laPDOG?!” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.” “……” “THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.” A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces. “NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?” “I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.” Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten. Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”) This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash OMIGOSH I’m in love. I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.
distressed: bibliotecaria-d:
ebonykain:

karacat:

othersideofforty:

erinnightwalker:

ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter:

erinnightwalker:


acaffeinejunkie:

erinnightwalker:

erinnightwalker:

geostatonary:

sixpenceee:

“A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.”
(Source)

“HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.”
“NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?”
 “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.”
“LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”
“YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“

I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia.
One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless.
For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura.
When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch.

I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats.
What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.)
The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words.
The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel.
Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music.
Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.)
After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss.
“……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.”
“No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!”
“WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.”
“What the hell does that mean?!!”
“DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.”
“……..”
“THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.”

Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this….


Since you asked nicely ^_^
Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job.
After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.)
Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it.
Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.)
He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound.
“You….you alright there buddy?”



“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?”



“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Right. Um. Well.” 
Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form.
When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window.
Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges.
“Nice night for it, huh?”


“…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢

“

“Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?”



“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.”


“
I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ 
͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞
 
̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟
 
̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.”

“Anytime.”
There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son.
When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included).


IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. 
Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.)
While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.)
So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy.
When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open.
A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps.
“GACK!”
“NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?”
“GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!”
“I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”
“Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?”
“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?”
“Is he supposed to be…..skinless?”
“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.”
“…….laPDOG?!”
“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.”
“……”
“THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.”
A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces.
“NEIGHBOR STEVE?”
“Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?”
“I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.”
Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten.
Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”)


This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash


OMIGOSH I’m in love.


I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS

This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.

bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejun...

distressed: if i were a zookeeper my intrusive thoughts would be wild pumpkinvictor brain: slap that penguin. right across his little blubbery tummy. it'll jiggle. me: no??? that's mean??? brain: polar bear, then pumpkinvictor brain: the lons just got fed raw meat brain: steal it and eat it in front of them me:.. pumpkinvictor ttle-king-smashmouth AS A ZOOKEEPERI CAN CONFIRM THIS IS 100% A REAL STRUGGLE rowan i want you to know that this is the best possible reply i could have received I work with animals and this is true for me. No, I cannot eat sea stars out the touch tank no matter HOW good you think the cronch will be, brain. sometimes you wonder what was going through the head of the first human to eat something really weird and then you see this post and stop wondering harinezumiko This 100% was me at the zoo. Don't touch Melon, he's mean. Okay, but I have to touch Bob to make him get his stupid emu head out of my shirt, so what if I also touch Melon until he likes it? Sephiroth is angery because he has one wing and sometimes attacks people? I want to pet him also. Also he won't get off the rock I have to clean anyway, surely a little pets on the good side will be fine. Martha and Stewart are assholes that tag-team while the pond is filling? I bet I could CUDDLE THEM The female deer will excitedly nuzzle you in the stomach for feeding them. This is fine, because they don't have antlers. The male deer is locked up while we're putting out food because he will gouge you to death with his little nubby asymmetrical homs, because he thinks the females are doing it. The entire monkey enclosure will eat your fingers for a single fruit loop. They also have the smallest arms and can reach through holes they ve made in the tarp on the gate to their enclosure. Do not hold hands with the monkeys. (2nd gen old man monkey will also pee on the keepers that don't give him fruit loops. He is a jerk) The rehabilitated bear that still sits like she's on a couch because she did that when she was living in a crack house? Yes, she looks chill. Yes, she looks The Softest. No, do not pet her back through the fence. No, do not go into the corridor and try to offer treats for pets. Big Mac does not know he will break your ribs, but YOU know he will break your ribs. Do not enter Big Mac's enclosure no matter how much he chuffs and displays his belly and rubs on the cage and looks sad. Yes, he genuinely wants pets. Yes, Pinkie is deliberately getting pets where he can see it as a sign of dominance even though she's a housecat and he could eat her in approximately one bite. The turtle is mean. Period. He is an old man and he does not like you. He does not like the parrot getting fries and he does not like that he is in a kiddie pool to warm up because his enclosure lost power, and he does not like you behind him preparing food for the owls and raptors. Petting him will not help this. He will rock back and forth and mean mug you forever because he is a grumpy old man. All of the rabbits need more handling on principle. They don't know you and they äre very distressed that you're täking their poop away. They can learn, a little, kind of. The guinea pig is insane and will not leam. Do not pet the guinea pig. this post is gathering some highly blessed zoo stories i love it! thank you as biologist, can confirm brain: that frog is very small me: well spotted, brain brain: put smol frog in mouth me: no! brain: that lynx.. .Jooks so fluffy me: it does brain: we should pet it. me: it's awake and angry so no. brain: baaaaby bunny. me: yup brain: baby bunny goes in pocket me: nooo it doesn't. Ah-I read the one about the sea star crunch and I immediately thought of if I ate one, what goo would come out. Would it be like a mozzarella stick? The texture seems to fit right. What if someone served someone a sea star instead of a mozzarella stick in the shape of a sea star? Would they eat t? Would IilI eat it? What if I knew it was a sea star? Would I STILL eat i? I kinda just want mozzarella sticks but now they could all be sea star limbs so I have to be careful... Source: snowquee.. Wanimal Bintrusive thoughts 8200 98,700 notes Intrusive Thoughts
distressed: if i were a zookeeper my intrusive thoughts would be wild
 pumpkinvictor
 brain: slap that penguin. right across his little blubbery
 tummy. it'll jiggle.
 me: no??? that's mean???
 brain: polar bear, then
 pumpkinvictor
 brain: the lons just got fed raw meat
 brain: steal it and eat it in front of them
 me:..
 pumpkinvictor
 ttle-king-smashmouth
 AS A ZOOKEEPERI CAN
 CONFIRM THIS IS 100% A REAL
 STRUGGLE
 rowan i want you to know that this is the best possible reply i
 could have received
 I work with animals and this is true for me. No, I cannot eat
 sea stars out the touch tank no matter HOW good you think
 the cronch will be, brain.
 sometimes you wonder what was going through the head of
 the first human to eat something really weird and then you
 see this post and stop wondering
 harinezumiko
 This 100% was me at the zoo. Don't touch Melon, he's mean.
 Okay, but I have to touch Bob to make him get his stupid emu
 head out of my shirt, so what if I also touch Melon until he
 likes it?
 Sephiroth is angery because he has one wing and sometimes
 attacks people? I want to pet him also. Also he won't get off
 the rock I have to clean anyway, surely a little pets on the
 good side will be fine.
 Martha and Stewart are assholes that tag-team while the
 pond is filling? I bet I could CUDDLE THEM
 The female deer will excitedly nuzzle you in the stomach for
 feeding them. This is fine, because they don't have antlers.
 The male deer is locked up while we're putting out food
 because he will gouge you to death with his little nubby
 asymmetrical homs, because he thinks the females are doing
 it.
 The entire monkey enclosure will eat your fingers for a single
 fruit loop. They also have the smallest arms and can reach
 through holes they ve made in the tarp on the gate to their
 enclosure. Do not hold hands with the monkeys. (2nd gen old
 man monkey will also pee on the keepers that don't give him
 fruit loops. He is a jerk)
 The rehabilitated bear that still sits like she's on a couch
 because she did that when she was living in a crack house?
 Yes, she looks chill. Yes, she looks The Softest. No, do not
 pet her back through the fence. No, do not go into the corridor
 and try to offer treats for pets.
 Big Mac does not know he will break your ribs, but YOU know
 he will break your ribs. Do not enter Big Mac's enclosure no
 matter how much he chuffs and displays his belly and rubs on
 the cage and looks sad. Yes, he genuinely wants pets. Yes,
 Pinkie is deliberately getting pets where he can see it as a
 sign of dominance even though she's a housecat and he
 could eat her in approximately one bite.
 The turtle is mean. Period. He is an old man and he does not
 like you. He does not like the parrot getting fries and he does
 not like that he is in a kiddie pool to warm up because his
 enclosure lost power, and he does not like you behind him
 preparing food for the owls and raptors. Petting him will not
 help this. He will rock back and forth and mean mug you
 forever because he is a
 grumpy old man.
 All of the rabbits need more handling on principle. They don't
 know you and they äre very distressed that you're täking their
 poop away. They can learn, a little, kind of. The guinea pig is
 insane and will not leam. Do not pet the guinea pig.
 this post is gathering some highly blessed zoo stories i love it!
 thank you
 as biologist, can confirm
 brain: that frog is very small
 me: well spotted, brain
 brain: put smol frog in mouth
 me: no!
 brain: that lynx.. .Jooks so fluffy
 me: it does
 brain: we should pet it.
 me: it's awake and
 angry so no.
 brain: baaaaby bunny.
 me: yup
 brain: baby bunny goes in pocket
 me: nooo it doesn't.
 Ah-I read the one about the sea star crunch and I
 immediately thought of if I ate one, what goo would come out.
 Would it be like a mozzarella stick? The texture seems to fit
 right. What if someone served someone a sea star instead of
 a mozzarella stick in the shape of a sea star? Would they eat
 t? Would IilI eat it? What if I knew it was a sea star? Would I
 STILL eat i? I kinda just want mozzarella sticks but now they
 could all be sea star limbs so I have to be careful...
 Source: snowquee..
 Wanimal Bintrusive thoughts 8200
 98,700 notes
Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive Thoughts

distressed: TRAV WIN ven Distressed mothers roll out after rumors that the fabled manager is found. They were to never return from their journey and this is the last known image of their voyage. [October 2016]
distressed: TRAV
 WIN
 ven
Distressed mothers roll out after rumors that the fabled manager is found. They were to never return from their journey and this is the last known image of their voyage. [October 2016]

Distressed mothers roll out after rumors that the fabled manager is found. They were to never return from their journey and this is the l...

distressed: <p><a href="https://osberend.tumblr.com/post/154339311017/iopele-suspendnodisbelief-naamahdarling" class="tumblr_blog">osberend</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://iopele.tumblr.com/post/139458660302">iopele</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://suspendnodisbelief.tumblr.com/post/135039695690">suspendnodisbelief</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://naamahdarling.tumblr.com/post/134398266796">naamahdarling</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://optimysticals.tumblr.com/post/134385780223">optimysticals</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://youwantmuchmore.tumblr.com/post/127279952598">youwantmuchmore</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://thebestoftumbling.tumblr.com/post/123303726099">thebestoftumbling</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p> golden eagle having a relaxing time <br/></p> </blockquote> <p>This is the world’s largest flying Engine of Murder marveling at the fact that it can actually have its tummy rubbed.</p> </blockquote> <p>I feel like this is the next step up on “loose your fingers” roulette from petting a kittie’s tummy, but just below belly rubs for say a lion.</p> </blockquote> <p>Can someone who knows birds better than I do tell me whether this eagle is as happy as it looks?  Because I want it to be happy.  It looks so happy.  Bewildered by having a friend, but so happy.</p> </blockquote> <p>Just popping on this thread to confirm: yes, the eagle is happy about the belly rubs. Golden eagles make this sound when receiving allopreening and similar affectionate and soothing treatment from their parents and mates. It’s the “I am safe and well fed, and somebody familiar is taking good care of me” sound. Angry raptors and wounded raptors make some pretty dramatic hisses and shrieks; frightened raptors go dead silent and try to hide if they can, or fluff up big and get loud and in-your-face if hiding isn’t an option. They can easily sever a finger or break the bones of a human hand or wrist, and even with a very thick leather falconer’s gauntlet, I’ve known falconers to leave a mews (hawk house) with graphic punctures THROUGH the gauntlet into the meat of their hands and arms, just from buteos and kestrels way smaller than this eagle. A pissed off hawk will make damn sure you don’t try twice whatever you pulled that pissed her off, even if she’s been human-imprinted.</p> <p>If you’re ever unsure about an animal’s level of okayness with something that’s happening, there are three spot-check questions you can ask, to common-sense your way through it:</p> <p>1. Is the animal capable of defending itself or making a threatening or fearful display, or otherwise giving protest, and if so, is it using this ability? (e.g. dog snarling or biting, swan hissing, horse kicking or biting) <br/><br/>2. Does the animal experience an incentive-based relationship with the human? (i.e. does the animal have a reason, in the animal’s frame of reference, for being near this human? e.g. dog sharing companionship / food / shelter, hawk receiving good quality abundant food and shelter and medical care from a falconer)</p> <p>3. Is the animal a domesticated species, with at least a full century of consistent species cohabitation with humans? (Domesticated animals frequently are conditioned from birth or by selective breeding to be unbothered by human actions that upset their feral nearest relatives.)</p> <p>In this situation, YES the eagle can self-defend, YES the eagle has incentive to cooperate with and trust the human handler, and NO the eagle is not a domesticated species, meaning we can expect a high level of reactivity to distress, compared to domestic animals: if the eagle was distressed, it would be pretty visible and apparent to the viewer. These aren’t a universally applicable metric, but they’re a good start for mammal and bird interactions.</p> <p>Pair that with the knowledge that eagles reserve those chirps for calm environments, and you can be pretty secure and comfy in the knowledge that the big honkin’ birb is happy and cozy.</p> <p>Also, to anybody wondering, falconers are almost single-handedly responsible for the recovery from near-extinction of several raptor species, including and especially peregrine falcons. Most hawks only live with the falconer for a year, and most of that year is spent getting the bird in ideal condition for survival and success as a wild breeding adult. Falconers are extensively trained and dedicated wildlife conservationists, pretty much by definition, especially in the continental USA, and they make up an unspeakably important part of the overall conservation of predatory bird species. Predatory birds are an important part of every ecosystem they inhabit. Just like apiarists and their bees, the relationship between falconer and hawk is one of great benefit to the animal and the ecosystem, in exchange for a huge amount of time, effort, expense, and education on the part of the human, for very little personal benefit to that one human. It’s definitely not exploitation of the bird, and most hawks working with falconers are hawks who absolutely would not have reached adulthood without human help: the sick, the injured, and the “runts” of the nest who don’t receive adequate resources from their own parents. These are, by and large, wonderful people who are in love with the natural world and putting a lifetime of knowledge and sheer exhausting <i>work</i> into conserving it and its winged wonders.</p> </blockquote> <p>reblogged for excellent info, I’m so glad that big gorgeous birb really is as happy as it looks!</p> </blockquote> <p>Today’s bit of <a href="http://osberend.tumblr.com/post/152834355142/lately-ive-been-thinking-about-positive-and">positive activism</a>: A reminder that, although the world may contain many bad and awful things, it also contains an enormous winged predator clucking happily as a human gives it a belly rub.<br/></p> </blockquote>
distressed: <p><a href="https://osberend.tumblr.com/post/154339311017/iopele-suspendnodisbelief-naamahdarling" class="tumblr_blog">osberend</a>:</p><blockquote>
<p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://iopele.tumblr.com/post/139458660302">iopele</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://suspendnodisbelief.tumblr.com/post/135039695690">suspendnodisbelief</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://naamahdarling.tumblr.com/post/134398266796">naamahdarling</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://optimysticals.tumblr.com/post/134385780223">optimysticals</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://youwantmuchmore.tumblr.com/post/127279952598">youwantmuchmore</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://thebestoftumbling.tumblr.com/post/123303726099">thebestoftumbling</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>

golden eagle having a relaxing time

<br/></p>
</blockquote>
<p>This is the world’s largest flying Engine of Murder marveling at the fact that it can actually have its tummy rubbed.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I feel like this is the next step up on “loose your fingers” roulette from petting a kittie’s tummy, but just below belly rubs for say a lion.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Can someone who knows birds better than I do tell me whether this eagle is as happy as it looks?  Because I want it to be happy.  It looks so happy.  Bewildered by having a friend, but so happy.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Just popping on this thread to confirm: yes, the eagle is happy about the belly rubs. Golden eagles make this sound when receiving allopreening and similar affectionate and soothing treatment from their parents and mates. It’s the “I am safe and well fed, and somebody familiar is taking good care of me” sound. Angry raptors and wounded raptors make some pretty dramatic hisses and shrieks; frightened raptors go dead silent and try to hide if they can, or fluff up big and get loud and in-your-face if hiding isn’t an option. They can easily sever a finger or break the bones of a human hand or wrist, and even with a very thick leather falconer’s gauntlet, I’ve known falconers to leave a mews (hawk house) with graphic punctures THROUGH the gauntlet into the meat of their hands and arms, just from buteos and kestrels way smaller than this eagle. A pissed off hawk will make damn sure you don’t try twice whatever you pulled that pissed her off, even if she’s been human-imprinted.</p>
<p>If you’re ever unsure about an animal’s level of okayness with something that’s happening, there are three spot-check questions you can ask, to common-sense your way through it:</p>
<p>1. Is the animal capable of defending itself or making a threatening or fearful display, or otherwise giving protest, and if so, is it using this ability? (e.g. dog snarling or biting, swan hissing, horse kicking or biting) <br/><br/>2. Does the animal experience an incentive-based relationship with the human? (i.e. does the animal have a reason, in the animal’s frame of reference, for being near this human? e.g. dog sharing companionship / food / shelter, hawk receiving good quality abundant food and shelter and medical care from a falconer)</p>
<p>3. Is the animal a domesticated species, with at least a full century of consistent species cohabitation with humans? (Domesticated animals frequently are conditioned from birth or by selective breeding to be unbothered by human actions that upset their feral nearest relatives.)</p>
<p>In this situation, YES the eagle can self-defend, YES the eagle has incentive to cooperate with and trust the human handler, and NO the eagle is not a domesticated species, meaning we can expect a high level of reactivity to distress, compared to domestic animals: if the eagle was distressed, it would be pretty visible and apparent to the viewer. These aren’t a universally applicable metric, but they’re a good start for mammal and bird interactions.</p>
<p>Pair that with the knowledge that eagles reserve those chirps for calm environments, and you can be pretty secure and comfy in the knowledge that the big honkin’ birb is happy and cozy.</p>
<p>Also, to anybody wondering, falconers are almost single-handedly responsible for the recovery from near-extinction of several raptor species, including and especially peregrine falcons. Most hawks only live with the falconer for a year, and most of that year is spent getting the bird in ideal condition for survival and success as a wild breeding adult. Falconers are extensively trained and dedicated wildlife conservationists, pretty much by definition, especially in the continental USA, and they make up an unspeakably important part of the overall conservation of predatory bird species. Predatory birds are an important part of every ecosystem they inhabit. Just like apiarists and their bees, the relationship between falconer and hawk is one of great benefit to the animal and the ecosystem, in exchange for a huge amount of time, effort, expense, and education on the part of the human, for very little personal benefit to that one human. It’s definitely not exploitation of the bird, and most hawks working with falconers are hawks who absolutely would not have reached adulthood without human help: the sick, the injured, and the “runts” of the nest who don’t receive adequate resources from their own parents. These are, by and large, wonderful people who are in love with the natural world and putting a lifetime of knowledge and sheer exhausting <i>work</i> into conserving it and its winged wonders.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>reblogged for excellent info, I’m so glad that big gorgeous birb really is as happy as it looks!</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Today’s bit of <a href="http://osberend.tumblr.com/post/152834355142/lately-ive-been-thinking-about-positive-and">positive activism</a>: A reminder that, although the world may contain many bad and awful things, it also contains an enormous winged predator clucking happily as a human gives it a belly rub.<br/></p>
</blockquote>

<p><a href="https://osberend.tumblr.com/post/154339311017/iopele-suspendnodisbelief-naamahdarling" class="tumblr_blog">osberend</a>:</p><...

distressed: Andy Ternay added 2 new photos. 11 Feb at 19:57 Adventuresome morning today! Mary Ann and I went to First Watch in Richardson for a quick breakfast but it was not to be First, we were approached by a manager who let us know that customers were very distressed by my shirt and that children might see it. T expressed deep sympathies and let her know that explaining "grab 'em by the pussy" and golden showers to my daughter was equally unpleasant. A Latino woman checking me out tells me she loves my shirt and thanked her. Again as we were being seated she expressed that a particular group of customers was suffering due to my indescribable poor taste. replied that I did not see the problem As we are seated two African-American workers individually tell me how cool the shirt is. One of them states that the people did not tell their server - a person of color - their complaint. They requested the manager, a white person, to complain to. I personally did not witness this but that is what I was told Our drinks are served and our order is taken Then one of the cooks comes to the table and very apologetically explains the owners have been called and we are being asked to leave We ask to tip our server for occupying her table, get drinks to go and leave. One table of white people applauds. We are stopped in the parking lot by one of the African American servers who had stopped to comment on the shirt. If I understand correctly, he was quitting the job on the spot over us being asked to leave. He told us: "you should hear these people asking not to be seated near Muslims." So we get in the car and start to leave as the Richardson police pull up outside.I stop the car and ask the officer if she is there over a t-shirt. She affirms this to be true and asks my name which I respectfully decline to give; she starts in on the shirt - whereupon l cite Cohen v. California, 1971, in which the Supreme Court upheld the right to wear a T- shirt saying: FUCK THE DRAFT. She's like: just leave, okay? MAJOR TAKEAWAYS: 1. If your kids can't handle the word "Fuck" they are going to have a really tough time in this world 2. Compared to racism, bigotry, misogyny and collusion with a foreign power, "Fuck" gleams with cleanliness and purity. Treating Muslims and people of color, LGBTQ and women as "less than" is the real filth and harm to our country 3. Everywhere I go with this shirt, white males sneer and people of color smile and give me thumbs up. I think it is very worthwhile to let people of color know they are not alone - that some whites also see the evil of racism is resurgent - and we will fight with our brothers and sisters of color against it 4. Regarding the restaurant - I'm fine with being asked to leave and I don't urge a boycott. These things are never easy for businesses, and the workers were polite and professional Besides, we hope to be back soon 5. Challenge authoritarianism anywhere and everywhere.. otherwise, it wins. you THE RACIST LT-RIGAT FUCK RUMe ND FUCK YUU FOR VOTING FOR HIM
distressed: Andy Ternay added 2 new photos.
 11 Feb at 19:57
 Adventuresome morning today! Mary Ann and I
 went to First Watch in Richardson for a quick
 breakfast but it was not to be
 First, we were approached by a manager who
 let us know that customers were very
 distressed by my shirt and that children might
 see it. T expressed deep sympathies and let her
 know that explaining "grab 'em by the pussy"
 and golden showers to my daughter was
 equally unpleasant. A Latino woman checking
 me out tells me she loves my shirt and
 thanked her.
 Again as we were being seated she expressed
 that a particular group of customers was
 suffering due to my indescribable poor taste.
 replied that I did not see the problem
 As we are seated two African-American
 workers individually tell me how cool the shirt
 is. One of them states that the people did not
 tell their server - a person of color - their
 complaint. They requested the manager, a
 white person, to complain to. I personally did
 not witness this but that is what I was told
 Our drinks are served and our order is taken
 Then one of the cooks comes to the table and
 very apologetically explains the owners have
 been called and we are being asked to leave
 We ask to tip our server for occupying her table,
 get drinks to go and leave. One table of white
 people applauds.

 We are stopped in the parking lot by one of the
 African American servers who had stopped to
 comment on the shirt. If I understand correctly,
 he was quitting the job on the spot over us
 being asked to leave. He told us: "you should
 hear these people asking not to be seated near
 Muslims."
 So we get in the car and start to leave
 as the Richardson police pull up outside.I
 stop the car and ask the officer if she is there
 over a t-shirt. She affirms this to be true and
 asks my name which I respectfully decline to
 give; she starts in on the shirt - whereupon l
 cite Cohen v. California, 1971, in which the
 Supreme Court upheld the right to wear a T-
 shirt saying: FUCK THE DRAFT. She's like: just
 leave, okay?
 MAJOR TAKEAWAYS:
 1. If your kids can't handle the word "Fuck" they
 are going to have a really tough time in this
 world
 2. Compared to racism, bigotry, misogyny and
 collusion with a foreign power, "Fuck" gleams
 with cleanliness and purity. Treating Muslims
 and people of color, LGBTQ and women as
 "less than" is the real filth and harm to our
 country
 3. Everywhere I go with this shirt, white males
 sneer and people of color smile and give me
 thumbs up. I think it is very worthwhile to let
 people of color know they are not alone - that
 some whites also see the evil of racism is
 resurgent - and we will fight with our brothers
 and sisters of color against it

 4. Regarding the restaurant - I'm fine with being
 asked to leave and I don't urge a boycott.
 These things are never easy for businesses,
 and the workers were polite and professional
 Besides, we hope to be back soon
 5. Challenge authoritarianism anywhere and
 everywhere.. otherwise, it wins.
 you
 THE
 RACIST
 LT-RIGAT
 FUCK
 RUMe
 ND FUCK YUU
 FOR VOTING FOR HIM
distressed: penfairy oh! I have to tell you guys a great story one of my professors told me. So he has a friend who is involved in these Shakespeare outreach programs where they try to bring Shakespeare and live theatre to poor and underprivileged groups and teach them about English literature and performing arts and such. On one of their tours they stopped at a young offenders institute for women and they put on a performance of Romeo and Juliet for a group of 16-17 year old girls. It was all going really well and the girls were enjoying and laughing through the first half- because really, the first half is pretty much a comedy-but as the play went on, things started to get quiet. Real quiet. Then it got up to the suicide scene and mutterings broke out and all the girls were nudging each other and looking distressed, and as this teacher observed them, he realised-they didn't know how the play ended. These girls had never been exposed to the story of Romeo and Juliet before, something which he thought was impossible given how ubiquitous it is in our culture. I mean, the prologue even gives the ending away, but of course it doesn't specify exactly how the whole "take their life" thing goes down, so these poor girls had no idea what to expect and were sitting there clinging to hope that Romeo would maybe sit down for a damn minute instead of murdering Paris and chugging poison but BAM he died and they all cried out and then Juliet WOKE UP and they SCREAMED and by the end of the play they were so upset that a brawl nearly broke out, and that's the story of how Shakespeare nearly started a riot at a juvenile detention centre dukeofbookingham Apparently something similar happened during a production of Much Ado at Rikers Island because a bunch of inmates wanted to beat the shit out of Claudio, which is more than fair tbh maha-pambata-is-my-patronus honestly Shakespeare would be so pleased to know his plays were nearly starting brawls centuries into the future jabberwockypie Beating the shit out of Claudio is definitely a fair and reasonable response, honestly Source: penfairy Shakespeare
distressed: penfairy
 oh! I have to tell you guys a great story one of my professors told me. So he has
 a friend who is involved in these Shakespeare outreach programs where they try
 to bring Shakespeare and live theatre to poor and underprivileged groups and
 teach them about English literature and performing arts and such. On one of
 their tours they stopped at a young offenders institute for women and they put
 on a performance of Romeo and Juliet for a group of 16-17 year old girls. It was
 all going really well and the girls were enjoying and laughing through the first
 half- because really, the first half is pretty much a comedy-but as the play went
 on, things started to get quiet. Real quiet. Then it got up to the suicide scene
 and mutterings broke out and all the girls were nudging each other and looking
 distressed, and as this teacher observed them, he realised-they didn't know how
 the play ended. These girls had never been exposed to the story of Romeo and
 Juliet before, something which he thought was impossible given how ubiquitous
 it is in our culture. I mean, the prologue even gives the ending away, but of
 course it doesn't specify exactly how the whole "take their life" thing goes down,
 so these poor girls had no idea what to expect and were sitting there clinging to
 hope that Romeo would maybe sit down for a damn minute instead of
 murdering Paris and chugging poison but BAM he died and they all cried out
 and then Juliet WOKE UP and they SCREAMED and by the end of the play they
 were so upset that a brawl nearly broke out, and that's the story of how
 Shakespeare nearly started a riot at a juvenile detention centre
 dukeofbookingham
 Apparently something similar happened during a production of Much Ado at
 Rikers Island because a bunch of inmates wanted to beat the shit out of
 Claudio, which is more than fair tbh
 maha-pambata-is-my-patronus
 honestly Shakespeare would be so pleased to know his plays were nearly
 starting brawls centuries into the future
 jabberwockypie
 Beating the shit out of Claudio is definitely a fair and reasonable response,
 honestly
 Source: penfairy
Shakespeare

Shakespeare

distressed: LAG Fissure: "I think Rascal and I were both in the same boat regarding today's news. Let's go back to the past. There is no one better than me who can empathize with him, so lI'm confident I can organize this case in the best way. The day I was released from London was Feb. 20th, and Rascal on the 21st. When I came to Gladiators, there was a 3 day break. The first thing I felt coming here was the issue everyone had talked about culture difference. I felt that the majority of the players had low work ethic regarding this job. Of course, not anymore. But when I first came here thinking ' will get this team to a higher rank and improve my value to my eyes the teammates were not practicing despite their bad performance in stage 1. It was an off-season break of course, but when Rascal and I are in a similar situation like that, where you are transferred from a top performing team you have no choice but to feel serious about it. I don't know about Dallas but I personally talked with the GM of LAG. I told him "I really want to improve this team and get us higher in the rankings, but they don't seem to have the mentality to try harder. If this goes on, I don't think I can keep up." And he listened. He gathered all the LAG players in one spot had a discussion, and told the players that they needed to make the proper atmosphere for Fissure, and then we can do better next stage. Of course, English was really hard for me. I usually almost never get triggered in scrims but I think I got frustrated for the first time during scrims in LAG due to English. I thought l was going crazy. How do I make specific orders in another language? I knew we could win with this shotcall of mine, but I couldn't convey it. So in the beginning I fought with the LAG players a lot, and naturally we apologized to each other for whatever we did. Since then we're really doing well and we have a good atmosphere. I think this is where we can see the difference between Dallas and Gladiators There is no one who can connect the Korean and English players in the game. We have Bischu. I talk to him in Korean and he translates it for me. Rascal must have been in the same situation, I can imagine how frustrated he had been. If I didn't have Bischu I would probably be in the news today as well. "Farewell to Fissure (1/2) 6 167 261 I'm sure that Rascal had fights with his team regarding that because that's exactly what I went through. But I apologized to my teammates after, and they did too. If you look at our recent matches we hugged when winning, and I love my team. I don't think Rascal was able to make that environment yet The language barrier made it hard for Rascal and the team to understand each other and he couldn't endure from that frustration. In the article it says "Rascal avoided communication." No, this is not the case. Rascal does want to communicate, but what can he do? He can't speak English. No one can translate for him in-game. I think Rascal got distressed because of that. I would have done the same As for EFFECT, He was with Envyus members since APEX. Rascal was in Dallas for only a month. The period is incomparable. I had been upset because of this issue as well and got triggered during scrims. When you really want to say something and you can't because of the language it is really, really frustrating. Then the coaches come to me and ask Why aren't you being active and more talkative in scrims??". I WANT TO. BUT I CAN'T. Do you know how they had replied to that? "Try harder". Even they can't solve this issue. Thankfully I became better because Bischu managed to alleviate this problem for us in-game. It's thanks to him that I am remaining here. Hey Daemin, you feel that too right? Having to learn Chinese to do comms. But what can you do? You only have to tray harder. It's the same for every player who needs to learn another language to adapt. I'm saying this because I'm afraid Rascal's reputation might be damaged when moving to another team Rascal doesn't have bad mentality or personality. The language barrier problem is that hard to solve. I've been in the same team as Rascal. He does not avoid communication he always tries to talk. It's just really hard to solve. In my opinion Bischu's player value will be very high next season. I am confident maybe somewhere below Jjonak and Carpe. Why? A lot of teams will want bilingual players. There will certainly be many teams who need that next season. I heard that Bischu already had a lot of offers (due to his ability). On top of that his personality is amazing. If he gets his mechanical skill to that level? His value will be on par with Jionak & Carpe. He lived overseas since he was young So yeah I wanted to say this, because this kind of news can be misunderstood very easily." (2/2) 6 167 261 lanerobertsappreciationsociety: wet-raccoon:What Fissure said on his stream about the Dallas v Rascal situation Fissure the MVP 
distressed: LAG Fissure:
 "I think Rascal and I were both in the same boat regarding today's news.
 Let's go back to the past. There is no one better than me who can
 empathize with him, so lI'm confident I can organize this case in the
 best way. The day I was released from London was Feb. 20th, and Rascal
 on the 21st. When I came to Gladiators, there was a 3 day break.
 The first thing I felt coming here was the issue everyone had talked about
 culture difference. I felt that the majority of the players had low work
 ethic regarding this job. Of course, not anymore. But when I first came here
 thinking ' will get this team to a higher rank and improve my value
 to my eyes the teammates were not practicing despite their bad performance
 in stage 1. It was an off-season break of course, but when Rascal and I are in
 a similar situation like that, where you are transferred from a top performing team
 you have no choice but to feel serious about it.
 I don't know about Dallas but I personally talked with the GM of LAG.
 I told him "I really want to improve this team and get us higher in the rankings,
 but they don't seem to have the mentality to try harder. If this goes on, I don't
 think I can keep up." And he listened. He gathered all the LAG players in one spot
 had a discussion, and told the players that they needed to make the proper
 atmosphere for Fissure, and then we can do better next stage. Of course, English
 was really hard for me. I usually almost never get triggered in scrims but I think I got
 frustrated for the first time during scrims in LAG due to English. I thought l
 was going crazy. How do I make specific orders in another language? I knew we
 could win with this shotcall of mine, but I couldn't convey it. So in the beginning I fought
 with the LAG players a lot, and naturally we apologized to each other for whatever we
 did. Since then we're really doing well and we have a good atmosphere. I think this is where
 we can see the difference between Dallas and Gladiators There is no one who can
 connect the Korean and English players in the game. We have Bischu. I talk to him in Korean
 and he translates it for me. Rascal must have been in the same situation, I can imagine
 how frustrated he had been. If I didn't have Bischu I would probably be in the news today
 as well. "Farewell to Fissure (1/2)
 6
 167
 261

 I'm sure that Rascal had fights with his team regarding that
 because that's exactly what I went through. But I apologized to my teammates
 after, and they did too. If you look at our recent matches we hugged when winning,
 and I love my team. I don't think Rascal was able to make that environment yet
 The language barrier made it hard for Rascal and the team to understand each other and
 he couldn't endure from that frustration. In the article it says "Rascal avoided communication."
 No, this is not the case. Rascal does want to communicate, but what can he do?
 He can't speak English. No one can translate for him in-game. I think Rascal got distressed
 because of that. I would have done the same
 As for EFFECT, He was with Envyus members since APEX. Rascal was in Dallas for only a month.
 The period is incomparable. I had been upset because of this issue as well and got
 triggered during scrims. When you really want to say something and you can't
 because of the language it is really, really frustrating. Then the coaches come to me and ask
 Why aren't you being active and more talkative in scrims??".
 I WANT TO. BUT I CAN'T. Do you know how they had replied to that? "Try harder".
 Even they can't solve this issue. Thankfully I became better
 because Bischu managed to alleviate this problem for us in-game.
 It's thanks to him that I am remaining here. Hey Daemin, you feel that too right? Having to
 learn Chinese to do comms. But what can you do? You only have to tray harder.
 It's the same for every player who needs to learn another language to adapt. I'm saying this
 because I'm afraid Rascal's reputation might be damaged when moving to another team
 Rascal doesn't have bad mentality or personality. The language barrier problem
 is that hard to solve. I've been in the same team as Rascal. He does not avoid communication
 he always tries to talk. It's just really hard to solve. In my opinion Bischu's player value
 will be very high next season. I am confident maybe somewhere below Jjonak and Carpe. Why?
 A lot of teams will want bilingual players. There will certainly be many teams who need that
 next season. I heard that Bischu already had a lot of offers (due to his ability). On top of that
 his personality is amazing. If he gets his mechanical skill to that level?
 His value will be on par with Jionak & Carpe. He lived overseas since he was young
 So yeah I wanted to say this, because this kind of news can be misunderstood very easily." (2/2)
 6
 167
 261
lanerobertsappreciationsociety:

wet-raccoon:What Fissure said on his stream about the Dallas v Rascal situation
Fissure the MVP 

lanerobertsappreciationsociety: wet-raccoon:What Fissure said on his stream about the Dallas v Rascal situation Fissure the MVP 

distressed: utistmcdorf bekatddals tadicactivepeasant It occurs to me that as much as humans are the scary ones fits sometimes, you look at it another way, humans might seem like the abeurdy friendly or I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of king someone if it has to, and thought Im gonna ride on that thing!? And put a human near any canine predator and there's a strong chance of said human yeling 'PUPPYr and intiating playtul interaction wih it And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything ese and decide Tm gonna swim with our splashy danger trends Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest alens out there and say Heck with it. I'm gonna hug em Why "I dunno. I gotta hug 'em And it's ike the frst friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans Why2 Are they more aggressive than we anticipated? It seems to be the opposite Commander Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when atempting to stroke an unidentifed feline on an unknown world Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a mean kitty and vow to win aver Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside ther species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen belore simply because it appears distressed I hate to say ths commander but we must install a ule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy's fauna isee what you mean So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown aninals without permission from a supericr oficer And send a message to supplies about acquining one of these puppies so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hel outtia thet rule whenever alone So I hear that youve just recruited a human for your ship Yes, it's the first time that I've worked with these species, but they come highly recommended Say, you've worked with a few, what ips can you give me? l'd hate to have some kind of cutura misunderstanding i ts avoidable The first rule of working wth humans is never leave mem unsupervised Wait, what? 1m serious Dont do it Things, Happen But wan, I thought that I heard you highly one on board? that every crew should have at least Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologicaly very resient If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member Their ablity to get on with almost any species is legendary But Toks, didn't you just say The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anying It you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into It was sheer kuck that the Fanzorans thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him. Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pxia? The very same Surprisingy good sense of humour But dont even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet. A Dunip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun? Yup. Don't leave your hwmans unsupervised uh,take that under advisement Seriousy Gef a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they wil make their own I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get creative Dont even gat me started on the time one of them taped a kie to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby Three weeks in and when we Enally caught the wreiched thing haf the humans on crew tried to revolt about us "kiling Stabby by removing the knife How how did you resolve that si? Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative soluton, I suppose And that sated the humans? Worse Worse? "They thought and held mock batties Then decided Stabby and Knitey were in love and now none af them will alow the others to stage ights between them any more was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on spmgs to both So, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they wll behave better when on other planets? Where do 1 get safe bonding pels? Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an inter galactic 'pet shop as they call t, the order forms are on the bridge If they get a pet this should prevent any krife welding auto-cleaners? You dont sound very reassuring Wel You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about ther pets is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider 'safe is what we would consider safe OK Iam getting a little nervous about this. No, no, it's fine, Im just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order Ask them to descrièe the creature belore they get it For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking wial it was What happened? Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed felne creature called a Savannah Cat. My entre crew was terrifled of it, it was agie and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of t. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze its beans' as they said,forcing the creatures claws out and then they would show people it's deadly claws while saying, and I quote, look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn't it cute? Seriousty I have also heard stories from ther crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sieep next to the giant creature You are not making me feel belter with these stanes everythingomdus Source radoaclivepensan 8,157 notes an 2017 Sometimes you just gotta hug stuff
distressed: utistmcdorf
 bekatddals
 tadicactivepeasant
 It occurs to me that as much as humans are the scary ones fits sometimes,
 you look at it another way, humans might seem like the abeurdy friendly or
 I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of king
 someone if it has to, and thought Im gonna ride on that thing!?
 And put a human near any canine predator and there's a strong chance of said
 human yeling 'PUPPYr and intiating playtul interaction wih it
 And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything
 ese and decide Tm gonna swim with our splashy danger trends
 Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest alens out
 there and say Heck with it. I'm gonna hug em
 Why
 "I dunno. I gotta hug 'em
 And it's ike the frst friendly interaction the species has had in forever so
 suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends
 Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans
 Why2 Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?
 It seems to be the opposite Commander Just this morning a crewman nearly lost
 their hand when atempting to stroke an unidentifed feline on an unknown world
 Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a mean kitty and vow to win
 aver Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside ther
 species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have
 never seen belore simply because it appears distressed I hate to say ths
 commander but we must install a ule to prevent them from endangering their own
 lives when interacting with the galaxy's fauna
 isee what you mean So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch
 unknown aninals without permission from a supericr oficer And send a message to
 supplies about acquining one of these puppies so that their desire to touch furred
 predators can be safely sated
 Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90%
 cuter and more epic
 Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hel outtia thet rule whenever alone
 So I hear that youve just recruited a human for your ship
 Yes, it's the first time that I've worked with these species, but they come highly recommended
 Say, you've worked with a few, what ips can you give me? l'd hate to have some kind of
 cutura misunderstanding i ts avoidable
 The first rule of working wth humans is never leave mem unsupervised
 Wait, what?
 1m serious Dont do it Things, Happen
 But wan, I thought that I heard you highly
 one on board?
 that every crew should have at least
 Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologicaly
 very resient If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can
 be invaluable Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew
 member Their ablity to get on with almost any species is legendary
 But Toks, didn't you just say
 The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anying It you leave them
 unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into It was
 sheer kuck that the Fanzorans thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown
 Prince to coo at him.
 Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pxia?
 The very same Surprisingy good sense of humour But dont even get me started on that one
 time with the Dunlip. Al Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.
 A Dunip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?
 Yup. Don't leave your hwmans unsupervised
 uh,take that under advisement
 Seriousy Gef a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they wil make their own I
 mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets
 they can get creative Dont even gat me started on the time one of them taped a kie to one of
 our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby
 Three weeks in and when we Enally caught the wreiched thing haf the humans on crew tried to
 revolt about us "kiling Stabby by removing the knife
 How how did you resolve that si?
 Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative
 soluton, I suppose
 And that sated the humans?
 Worse
 Worse?
 "They thought
 and held mock batties Then decided Stabby and Knitey were in love and now none af them will
 alow the others to stage ights between them any more
 was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on spmgs to both
 So, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they wll behave better when on other planets?
 Where do 1 get safe bonding pels?
 Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to
 create an inter galactic 'pet shop as they call t, the order forms are on the bridge
 If they get a pet this should prevent any krife welding auto-cleaners?
 You dont sound very reassuring
 Wel You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about ther pets is actually
 what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider 'safe is what we would consider safe
 OK Iam getting a little nervous about this.
 No, no, it's fine, Im just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order Ask them to
 descrièe the creature belore they get it For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them
 order a pet without checking wial it was
 What happened?
 Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed felne creature called a Savannah Cat. My
 entre crew was terrifled of it, it was agie and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the
 human had no fear of t. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze its
 beans' as they said,forcing the creatures claws out and then they would show people it's deadly
 claws while saying, and I quote, look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn't it
 cute?
 Seriousty
 I have also heard stories from ther crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or
 more then they do, and they sieep next to the giant creature
 You are not making me feel belter with these stanes
 everythingomdus Source radoaclivepensan
 8,157 notes an
 2017
Sometimes you just gotta hug stuff

Sometimes you just gotta hug stuff