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Clock, Police, and Regret: ADVERTISEMENT STAND WITH HONG KONG UN TIL AW attack protesters and ordinary citizens. Arbitrary arrests and political prosecutions are becoming increasingly common. These are all tactics of the Hong Kong government to intimidate its own people into silence Please urge your government to stand with us. Hongkongers, as we confront escalating violence from the Hong Kong government. While we fear for our safety-and regret the disruptions caused out of desperation-we vow to keep fighting for freedom and democracy. Amid tear gas and rubber This is an urgent appea from Hong Kong. The clock is ticking we need your help. What would you do if you were us? We are not the root cause of this chaos, our government is. bullets, this once vibrant and safe metropolis is at a crossroads. Since the protests against the controversial extradition bill started in June, Hong Kong's autonomy and freedom have been eroded Since 1997, millions of us have stood up to protect our rights and freedoms. Today, Hongkongers no longer safe under the Hong Kong government. We are fight for survival and you can mnake a difference beyond recognition. This is the ugly truth that the Hong Kong government does not want you to know: Hong Kong is becoming What can you do to he Sign the petition to call upc the British Government to a police state. Instead of implementing its obligations under the Sino-British Joint Declara political reform as promised, the Hong Kong government has turned into an apparatus of repression. Police brutality, endorsed by both the Hong Kong and Chinese governments, has now become part of our daily lives. In the name of public order, the police dehumanise protesters as and to: Impose sanctions on persons responsible complicit in suppre Hongkongers' hur and freedoms. Include provisio rights, civil libe democratisatic "cockroaches" and deploy certain anti-riot measures prohibited by international standards. The police also batter passers-by. journalists and medical personnel. Police stations are shut whenever alleged thugs-for-hire indiscriminately post-Brexit ag with Hong K Bear witness to Hongkongers' fight for freedom. Tell our story-especially if we can no longer do it ourselves. SIGN THE PETITION standwithhk.org Visit the global campaign: freedomhkg.net From the most recent edition of The Economist
Clock, Police, and Regret: ADVERTISEMENT
 STAND WITH HONG KONG UN TIL AW
 attack protesters and ordinary
 citizens. Arbitrary arrests and
 political prosecutions are
 becoming increasingly common.
 These are all tactics of the Hong
 Kong government to intimidate
 its own people into silence
 Please urge your government to
 stand with us. Hongkongers, as we
 confront escalating violence from
 the Hong Kong government. While
 we fear for our safety-and regret
 the disruptions caused out of
 desperation-we vow to keep
 fighting for freedom and democracy.
 Amid tear gas and rubber
 This is an urgent appea
 from Hong Kong.
 The clock is ticking
 we need your help.
 What would you do if you were
 us? We are not the root cause of
 this chaos, our government is.
 bullets, this once vibrant and safe
 metropolis is at a crossroads.
 Since the protests against the
 controversial extradition bill started
 in June, Hong Kong's autonomy
 and freedom have been eroded
 Since 1997, millions of us have
 stood up to protect our rights and
 freedoms. Today, Hongkongers
 no longer safe under the Hong
 Kong government. We are fight
 for survival and you can mnake
 a difference
 beyond recognition. This is the
 ugly truth that the Hong Kong
 government does not want you
 to know: Hong Kong is becoming
 What can you do to he
 Sign the petition to call upc
 the British Government to
 a police state.
 Instead of implementing
 its obligations under the
 Sino-British Joint Declara
 political reform as promised, the
 Hong Kong government has turned
 into an apparatus of repression.
 Police brutality, endorsed by both
 the Hong Kong and Chinese
 governments, has now become
 part of our daily lives. In the
 name of public order, the police
 dehumanise protesters as
 and to:
 Impose sanctions on
 persons responsible
 complicit in suppre
 Hongkongers' hur
 and freedoms.
 Include provisio
 rights, civil libe
 democratisatic
 "cockroaches" and deploy certain
 anti-riot measures prohibited by
 international standards. The police
 also batter passers-by. journalists
 and medical personnel. Police
 stations are shut whenever alleged
 thugs-for-hire indiscriminately
 post-Brexit ag
 with Hong K
 Bear witness to Hongkongers' fight
 for freedom. Tell our story-especially
 if we can no longer do it ourselves.
 SIGN THE PETITION
 standwithhk.org
 Visit the global campaign: freedomhkg.net
From the most recent edition of The Economist

From the most recent edition of The Economist

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Sheek
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Sheek

Sheek

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Me irl
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Me irl

Me irl

Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes) What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the wayI like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star (Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould (Belches) Go! Go! (Record Scratching) Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Gasping) -Right. (Roaring) Shouting) {Roaring) {Whispers) This is the part where you run away. {Gasping) (Laughs) {Laughing} And stay right. This one's full. -Take it away! (Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding) -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (Gasps) -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. (Grunts) -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man) -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? (Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles) -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. Ilike that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -Ilike my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. (Sighs) l mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering) -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? (Grunts) -Hey! Snickers) -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? (Gasps) {Male voice) What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! Cackling) -What? Quit it. -Don't push. [Squeaking) {Lows) - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! (Gasping)} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he.... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs) -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring) -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! (Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Cheering) (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. (Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) -That's enough. He's ready to talk. (Coughing) {Laughing) {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens) -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping) -Oh! -Magic mirror --Don't tell him anything! -No! (Gingerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can eaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives rrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? (Shudders) Three? -Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs) {Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams) -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just -I just - {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) (Chuckles) {Sighs) -It's quiet. Too quiet. (Creaking) -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line nd we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect. place {Camera shutter clicks (Whirring) -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. Trumpet fanfare} (Crowd cheering) -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering) -That champion shall have the honour -no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs) {Man's voice} wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. (Grunts) -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time -(Mumbling)} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! (Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. (Chuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-ir from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde c this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering) -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? (Gasping) -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me (Bell dings) {Cheering) {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!! Ha, ha! (Shrek laughs) {Crowd gasping, murmuring) -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -Sniffs) They stink? -Yes - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. Sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkI preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs) It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (Rumbling) -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (Laughing) -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps) -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [Screams) -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrelt. (Water dripping, wind howling): -You afraid? -No. -But Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. (Gasps) Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she Il be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking) -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. l'd step all over it. -Well, at ieast ve know where the princess is, but where's the - -Dragon! {Screams) (Gasps) (Roars) -Donkey, look out! {Screams) (Whimpering) -Got ya! (Roars (Gasps) (Shouts) -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming {Gasps) -Oh! Aah! Aah! (Gasping) {Crowls) -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams -Oh, what large teeth you have. Crowls) -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) {Vocalizing) -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts) -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poenm for me. A balad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -pray that you take this avour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! (Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (Screams) But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs) -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but just love icceiving cards - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls {Roaring) (Gasps) -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams) {Screaming) -Oh! (Thuds) {Groans) {Roars} {Roaring) -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Echoing) -Run! {Gasping) {Screaming {Roaring) (Screams) {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers) {Roars)-You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? - hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? - have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's fi kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing) -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were exp cting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. (Sighs) -Princess, I was sent to sue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all rightC. ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey (Sighs)-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (Laughs) -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure upto a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'Ill let you do the "measuring whn you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering) Grunting) -Hey! Over hem. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe. homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? (Crashing) -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs) -I just- You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, the re's bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. There just ne ad my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is oie ofticse drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it Why are you locking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the jo. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's w y 'm betteroff ale ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.-Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. (Inhales) (Snoring) {Vocalizing) {Whistling) {Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawi s -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. -Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. [Sniffs) -Well, enup We've got bi, day ahead of us. (Belches) -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {La hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches) -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don'a inuw who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs) {Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But l'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucyitle raid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's had hat's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa aazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -(Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sekdiatoo young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? ay! Ca im down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, nd I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on htyou're do ng the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - -(Grunts) -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue ? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? (Nervous chuckle) -That's Is that blood? (Sighs} {Bird a-la, la-la-la-la (Both laughing) La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - Ow! -Um, I, uh- I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -I'm worried about Donkey. (Blubbering) -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next hin you owm on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (Bones crunch) -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. (Chuckling) {Sighs) -I guess I'll be dining a wasonderi g. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me (Sighs) -Are you gonna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. night. (Door creaks) -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. sha's a princess, and I'm --An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. Sighs) -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Wings ey! isen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling) -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vay another. This shall be the norm...until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rd thought of you because it's pretty and - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -uh, uh -(Sighs)- -Dityou see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens) {Snoring) -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - (Snoring) -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I -I don't -There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. (Gasps, sighs) -Ah, right on time. (Horse whinnies) -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns) -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (Muffled) -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you stardled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers) -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't.- which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Do don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y anyway?-Ou s vam p? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. (Sighs) -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. (Orchestra} {Dulcimer -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Sh w people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing) -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green Kissingounds} -huast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here dth phone. (Grunts) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there about to start (Grunts, Groans) {Karate Yell) {Merry Men Gasping) (Panting -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- (Karate Ye!l) {Accordion) (Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek!! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Grunts) -lt's just about --Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you ac chirping) (Grunts) My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean (Croaks) Oh, ch hh-o. was ask O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. (Gulps) -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare -you name it. (Chuckles) -'d like that. {Slurps, laughs) See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ekdighs) Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin de fluttering) -Princess? (Creaking {Gasps) -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams) -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you h a uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do spell. {Sighs) -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek -well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'mkavs tifow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Gasps) -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE a- "By o that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs) -All right, all right Calm it's Dec promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps) -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's- know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, II wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't 1? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!-Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning) And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah (Moaning) Hallelujah, halelujah (Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts) -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! There you are ,doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was kint about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs) -l'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! neve:r make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (Whistles) -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing) -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! (Bells tolling) {All gasping) -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...-Um -of our new king --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling) -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, 'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this wonman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Piease her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! (Grunts) -I object! -Shrek? (Gaspst -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but shoving up uninvited to a wedding -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love?-Weil, IUh -I mean - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (Crowd laughing) -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers) {Crown gasping) -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that malkes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper
Alive, All Star, and Being Alone: {Man) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes) What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the wayI like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star (Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould (Belches) Go! Go! (Record Scratching) Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Gasping) -Right. (Roaring) Shouting) {Roaring) {Whispers) This is the part where you run away. {Gasping) (Laughs) {Laughing} And stay
 right. This one's full. -Take it away! (Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding) -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (Gasps) -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. (Grunts) -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man) -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? (Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles) -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. Ilike that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -Ilike my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. (Sighs) l mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering) -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? (Grunts) -Hey! Snickers) -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? (Gasps) {Male voice) What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! Cackling) -What?
 Quit it. -Don't push. [Squeaking) {Lows) - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! (Gasping)} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he.... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs) -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring) -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! (Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Cheering) (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. (Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) -That's enough. He's ready to talk. (Coughing) {Laughing) {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens) -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping) -Oh! -Magic mirror --Don't tell him anything! -No! (Gingerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 eaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 rrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? (Shudders) Three? -Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs) {Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams) -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just -I just -
 {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) (Chuckles) {Sighs) -It's quiet. Too quiet. (Creaking) -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line nd we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect. place {Camera shutter clicks (Whirring) -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. Trumpet fanfare} (Crowd cheering) -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering) -That champion shall have the honour -no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs) {Man's voice}
 wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. (Grunts) -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time
 -(Mumbling)} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! (Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. (Chuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-ir from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde c
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering) -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? (Gasping) -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me (Bell dings) {Cheering) {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!! Ha, ha! (Shrek laughs) {Crowd gasping, murmuring) -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -Sniffs) They stink? -Yes - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. Sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkI preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs) It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (Rumbling) -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (Laughing) -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps) -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [Screams) -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrelt. (Water dripping, wind howling): -You afraid? -No. -But Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. (Gasps) Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she Il be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking) -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. l'd step all over it. -Well, at ieast ve know where the princess is, but where's the - -Dragon! {Screams) (Gasps) (Roars) -Donkey, look out! {Screams) (Whimpering) -Got ya! (Roars (Gasps) (Shouts) -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming {Gasps) -Oh! Aah! Aah! (Gasping) {Crowls) -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams -Oh, what large teeth you have.
 Crowls) -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) {Vocalizing) -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts) -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poenm for me. A balad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -pray that you take this avour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! (Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (Screams)
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs) -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but just love icceiving cards - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls {Roaring) (Gasps) -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams) {Screaming) -Oh! (Thuds) {Groans) {Roars} {Roaring) -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Echoing) -Run! {Gasping) {Screaming {Roaring) (Screams) {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers) {Roars)-You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? - hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? - have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's fi kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing) -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were exp cting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. (Sighs) -Princess, I was sent to sue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all rightC. ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey (Sighs)-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (Laughs) -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure upto a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'Ill let you do the "measuring whn you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering) Grunting) -Hey! Over hem. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe. homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? (Crashing) -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night!
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs) -I just- You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, the re's bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
 There just ne ad my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is oie ofticse drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it Why are you locking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 jo. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's w y 'm betteroff ale ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.-Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. (Inhales) (Snoring) {Vocalizing) {Whistling) {Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawi s -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. -Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. [Sniffs) -Well, enup We've got bi, day ahead of us. (Belches) -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {La hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches) -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don'a inuw who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs) {Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But l'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucyitle raid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's had hat's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa aazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -(Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sekdiatoo young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? ay! Ca im down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, nd I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on htyou're do ng the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - -(Grunts) -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 ? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? (Nervous chuckle) -That's Is that blood? (Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, la-la-la-la (Both laughing) La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - Ow! -Um, I, uh- I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -I'm worried about Donkey. (Blubbering) -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next hin you owm on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (Bones crunch) -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. (Chuckling) {Sighs) -I guess I'll be dining a
 wasonderi g. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me (Sighs) -Are you gonna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
 night. (Door creaks) -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 sha's a princess, and I'm --An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. Sighs) -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Wings
 ey! isen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling) -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vay another. This shall be the norm...until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rd thought of you because it's pretty and - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -uh, uh -(Sighs)-
 -Dityou see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens) {Snoring) -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - (Snoring) -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I -I don't -There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. (Gasps, sighs) -Ah, right on time. (Horse whinnies) -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns) -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (Muffled) -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you stardled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers) -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't.-
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Do
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 anyway?-Ou s vam p? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. (Sighs) -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. (Orchestra} {Dulcimer -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Sh w
 people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing) -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green
 Kissingounds} -huast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 dth phone. (Grunts) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 about to start (Grunts, Groans) {Karate Yell) {Merry Men Gasping) (Panting -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- (Karate Ye!l) {Accordion) (Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek!! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Grunts) -lt's just about --Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you ac
 chirping) (Grunts) My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean (Croaks) Oh, ch hh-o.
 was ask O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. (Gulps) -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare -you name it. (Chuckles) -'d like that. {Slurps, laughs) See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ekdighs) Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin de
 fluttering) -Princess? (Creaking {Gasps) -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams) -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you h a
 uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do
 spell. {Sighs) -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek -well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'mkavs tifow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Gasps) -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 a-
 "By
 o that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs) -All right, all right Calm
 it's
 Dec
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps) -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's- know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, II wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't 1? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!-Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning) And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah (Moaning) Hallelujah, halelujah (Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts) -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away!
 There you are ,doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was kint about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs) -l'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! neve:r make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (Whistles) -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing) -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! (Bells tolling) {All gasping) -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...-Um -of our new king --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling) -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, 'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this wonman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Piease her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! (Grunts) -I object! -Shrek? (Gaspst -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but shoving up uninvited to a wedding -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love?-Weil, IUh -I mean - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (Crowd laughing) -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers) {Crown gasping) -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that malkes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper

The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper

Alive, Be Like, and Butt: The Unlocked Reddit Ad Starterpack Has no upvotes (unless its porn or smth) Vote Every comment is a copypasta 65 "op sucks dick" Often has between 40-80 comments, sometimes even more Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but you PART I long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tra1 was born into a family of non-yeeters. Every morning before I went to school my father would say, "if I ever find out change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accele that you've hit that yeet, I'll thump ya." Comments are usually between 2 months to 7 days old NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerate sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60 Yes, pa," I would always reply. It was a regular occurrence for him to burst into my room unannounced while I was reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The n relaxing or doing homework. body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break t "Y'all hitting that yeet?" he would seeth. and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever. "No, pa," I would answer. "Good." He would then walk out the room and shout, "If I ever catch ya, it's a thumpin'." It was a difficult upbringing. I had seen my friends hittin' that yeet at school, and many of them encouraged me to partake. OP replies to a copypasta with something funny and gets upvoted would swallow my pride. "No thanks. I don't wanna catch a thumpin' from pa." As a result, I was an outcast. A loner. I became depressed, knowing that I would never be like my peers, I would never fit in I would never hit that yeet. r/UnlockedRedditAds (Sometimes One day, when I was still but a wee lad, I became curious. I was in my room, watching Instagram videos of fellas my age hittin' that yeet all over town without a care in the world. My intentions got the better of me. I stood up, my knees trembling. Carefully, I leaned onto my right foot and raised my hand in the air. I breathed in. Every day as I scroll through reddit, I dream that I will find an ad that isn't locked. Today, my friends, is that day. I come to you all with an important message; a message that transcends time and space. I am a man of few comments, but I must take the opportunity now to open my fingers and pass this message onto you all. I am humbled to sit before you. The text will burn into your eyes. You may shed tears. I empathize with you all. My message, while brief, will hopefully fill you all with the knowledge I know you have the capability to retain. I want to thank you all Thank you all for taking the time to read the comments on this unlocked ad. Thank you for stopping for just a moment to hear my message. My message isn't difficult to comprehend, but I find it may prove most impossible to truly understand. By now I feel that the time has come to deliver my message. The message that I came here to tell. The message that I prayed I had an opportunity to deliver someday, though I must assert that I didn't believe it would be a day like this. My message, friends, is as such: fuck OP Someone asking a genuine question, has two upvotes because it's not a copypasta u/uwutranslator Nothing actually funny to be found Unlocked Reddit Ad Starter Pack
Alive, Be Like, and Butt: The Unlocked Reddit Ad Starterpack
 Has no upvotes (unless its porn or smth)
 Vote
 Every comment is a copypasta
 65
 "op sucks dick"
 Often has between 40-80
 comments, sometimes even more
 Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start
 flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt.
 The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends
 on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished
 Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are
 moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and
 shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers
 falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the
 window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at
 your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates.
 You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent
 underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but you PART I
 long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tra1 was born into a family of non-yeeters. Every morning before I went to school my father would say, "if I ever find out
 change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accele that you've hit that yeet, I'll thump ya."
 Comments are
 usually between 2 months
 to 7 days old
 NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerate
 sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60 Yes, pa," I would always reply. It was a regular occurrence for him to burst into my room unannounced while I was
 reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The n relaxing or doing homework.
 body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break t "Y'all hitting that yeet?" he would seeth.
 and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.
 "No, pa," I would answer.
 "Good." He would then walk out the room and shout, "If I ever catch ya, it's a thumpin'."
 It was a difficult upbringing. I had seen my friends hittin' that yeet at school, and many of them encouraged me to
 partake.
 OP replies to a copypasta with something funny
 and gets upvoted
 would swallow my pride. "No thanks. I don't wanna catch a thumpin' from pa." As a result, I was an outcast. A loner.
 I became depressed, knowing that I would never be like my peers, I would never fit in I would never hit that yeet.
 r/UnlockedRedditAds (Sometimes
 One day, when I was still but a wee lad, I became curious. I was in my room, watching Instagram videos of fellas my
 age hittin' that yeet all over town without a care in the world. My intentions got the better of me. I stood up, my
 knees trembling. Carefully, I leaned onto my right foot and raised my hand in the air.
 I breathed in.
 Every day as I scroll through reddit, I dream that I will find an ad that isn't locked. Today, my friends, is that day. I
 come to you all with an important message; a message that transcends time and space. I am a man of few
 comments, but I must take the opportunity now to open my fingers and pass this message onto you all. I am humbled
 to sit before you. The text will burn into your eyes. You may shed tears. I empathize with you all. My message, while
 brief, will hopefully fill you all with the knowledge I know you have the capability to retain. I want to thank you all
 Thank you all for taking the time to read the comments on this unlocked ad. Thank you for stopping for just a moment
 to hear my message. My message isn't difficult to comprehend, but I find it may prove most impossible to truly
 understand. By now I feel that the time has come to deliver my message. The message that I came here to tell. The
 message that I prayed I had an opportunity to deliver someday, though I must assert that I didn't believe it would be
 a day like this. My message, friends, is as such: fuck OP
 Someone asking a genuine question, has
 two upvotes because it's not a copypasta
 u/uwutranslator
 Nothing actually funny to be found
Unlocked Reddit Ad Starter Pack

Unlocked Reddit Ad Starter Pack

Alive, Books, and Brains: 21% 10:33 PM X Share Vote 673 Award report? "Got to get down to the bus stop Got to catch my bus, I see my friends (my friends)" The motorcade departed late, due to delays. Along the way, citizens and friends of the President lined the streets in an enthusiastic display "Kicking in the front seat. Sitting in the back seat. Got to make my mind up. Which seat can I take?"JFK and the First Lady we're seated in the back of the car, with governor John Connally and his wife "kicking it" in the front. "It's Friday, Friday. Got to get down on Friday" Friday, November 22nd was the day that Lee Harvey Oswald murdered JFK. When he opened fire, the first shot missed. A warning from the secret service agent in the car to "get down!" wasn't heeded in time; the second shot struck J FK in the back before the final bullet hit his head. Additionally, in the music video, Black sits in the back of a convertible...in the same position that JFK took that day in his. Do you think it's a coincidence? Reply 807 8 more replies pants1000 5d Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The p0op accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever. longer alive. The poop accelerates. Reply t 559 19 more replies SkillerNu 3d Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911. Here's why: Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good oľ American hot lead. Basilisk? Let's see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it-you're looking at a picture of it. Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGS and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12. And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal. Now I know what you're going to say: "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger? Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova. Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound. I can see it now...Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can't be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series: "Well then I guess it's a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1." And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911. Add a comment Has anyone read the comments on the advertisments? They're fucking wierd.
Alive, Books, and Brains: 21% 10:33 PM
 X
 Share
 Vote
 673
 Award
 report? "Got to get down to the bus stop Got to catch my bus, I see my friends (my friends)" The motorcade departed
 late, due to delays. Along the way, citizens and friends of the President lined the streets in an enthusiastic display
 "Kicking in the front seat. Sitting in the back seat. Got to make my mind up. Which seat can I take?"JFK and the First
 Lady we're seated in the back of the car, with governor John Connally and his wife "kicking it" in the front. "It's Friday,
 Friday. Got to get down on Friday" Friday, November 22nd was the day that Lee Harvey Oswald murdered JFK. When
 he opened fire, the first shot missed. A warning from the secret service agent in the car to "get down!" wasn't heeded
 in time; the second shot struck J FK in the back before the final bullet hit his head. Additionally, in the music video, Black
 sits in the back of a convertible...in the same position that JFK took that day in his. Do you think it's a coincidence?
 Reply
 807
 8 more replies
 pants1000 5d
 Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start
 flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt.
 The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends
 on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished.
 Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are
 moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and
 shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the
 workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you
 out the window. You land in the pile. The p0op accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil
 goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The
 poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates.
 The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole
 disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on
 radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates.
 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have
 broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet.
 CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no
 Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed
 barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.
 longer alive. The poop accelerates.
 Reply
 t 559
 19 more replies
 SkillerNu 3d
 Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out:
 Harry Potter should have carried a 1911. Here's why: Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World
 War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good oľ American hot lead. Basilisk? Let's
 see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision
 goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it-you're looking at a
 picture of it. Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall,
 flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGS and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12. And have
 you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last
 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds.
 Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins.
 God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal. Now I know what you're going to say:
 "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they
 do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger? Avada Kedavra,
 meet Avtomat Kalashnikova. Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett,
 turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam
 Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like
 that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a
 tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for
 that sucking chest wound. I can see it now...Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can't
 be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt
 away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series: "Well then I guess it's a good thing my
 1911 holds 7+1." And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.
 Add a comment
Has anyone read the comments on the advertisments? They're fucking wierd.

Has anyone read the comments on the advertisments? They're fucking wierd.

Alive, Butt, and cnn.com: CloTheBrotato 22 hours ago Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting propels longer take on all the world records you've broken. longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The 200,000 feet. You are no remains. NASA can no poop accelerates. Forever Show less 87 Found this on a community post
Alive, Butt, and cnn.com: CloTheBrotato 22 hours ago
 Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start
 flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides
 hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The
 story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your
 toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop
 accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers
 abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around
 your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the
 stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now
 you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live
 event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your
 house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers.
 You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop
 accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have
 thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles
 of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no
 in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting
 propels
 longer take
 on all the world records you've broken.
 longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail
 longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The
 200,000 feet. You are no
 remains. NASA can no
 poop accelerates. Forever
 Show less
 87
Found this on a community post

Found this on a community post

Ass, Fucking, and Google: Anonymous 11/25/14(Tue)18:28:53 No.5853006 E>5853020 >>5857450 >5859006 1381741170733.png (27 KB, 144x161) google igdb saucenao igdb regex >5851751 >Be concubine character >High bluff but very basic combat skills and nothing for utility >Supposed to be high level campaign but I'm adamant this is who I want to go with >Have to be carried through every fight basically, party thoroughly annoyed Finally make it to dark lord's fortress Betray party and announce I love the dark lord and will do anything for him >Party locked in dungeon while dark lord and me have wedding ceremony I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT MY ASSHOLE IS IN DANGER! >We retire to his chambers to consummate, at this point party telling me and DM to stop this is fucking stupid they just want to D&D not bear witness to our ERP The dark lord turns his back on us and I reveal myself >Concubine opens her legs and epic level halfling rogue slides out of her ass >This was my true character all along www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/skills.htm#extremelyTightSpace >Ive been rolling to stay hidden up her ass the entire campaign to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinate him Concubine is just a hired NPC that DM agreed probably had an anal circumference of more than 2 inches and was willing to let it slide >One last roll >With his legendary armour removed and his back turned he never sees me coming Shoot up there like a flash before he even knows what's happening >Destroy him from the inside like a whirling dervish >Free party from dungeons and clean up the rest of his minions >Entire group is speechless and that was how I saved the land
Ass, Fucking, and Google: Anonymous 11/25/14(Tue)18:28:53 No.5853006 E>5853020 >>5857450 >5859006
 1381741170733.png (27 KB, 144x161) google igdb saucenao igdb regex
 >5851751
 >Be concubine character
 >High bluff but very basic combat skills and nothing for utility
 >Supposed to be high level campaign but I'm adamant this is who I want to go with
 >Have to be carried through every fight basically, party thoroughly annoyed
 Finally make it to dark lord's fortress
 Betray party and announce I love the dark lord and will do anything for him
 >Party locked in dungeon while dark lord and me have wedding ceremony
 I'M NOT
 SURE WHAT'S
 GOING ON,
 BUT MY
 ASSHOLE IS
 IN DANGER!
 >We retire to his chambers to consummate, at this point party telling me and DM to stop this is fucking stupid they just want to D&D not bear witness to our ERP
 The dark lord turns his back on us and I reveal myself
 >Concubine opens her legs and epic level halfling rogue slides out of her ass
 >This was my true character all along
 www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/skills.htm#extremelyTightSpace
 >Ive been rolling to stay hidden up her ass the entire campaign to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinate him
 Concubine is just a hired NPC that DM agreed probably had an anal circumference of more than 2 inches and was willing to let it slide
 >One last roll
 >With his legendary armour removed and his back turned he never sees me coming
 Shoot up there like a flash before he even knows what's happening
 >Destroy him from the inside like a whirling dervish
 >Free party from dungeons and clean up the rest of his minions
 >Entire group is speechless
 and that was how I saved the land
Fire, God, and Love: Salem Witch Trial She'd stroll through the village eyes fixed on the ground. When greeted, the girl scarcely uttered a sound. Since her parents death a few years back she's lived on her own in no more than a shack. Her hair as red as the fire of hell, In the thoughts of men her innocence fell They'd follow her in the light of day, besot by her peculiar way. They'd leave their wives in the dark of night, to spy as she danced beneath the moonlight One woman swore by God that she witnessed, her reading a book of magic so wicked No wonder her husband held such foolish notions. Possessed by this witch and all her love potions. When questioned, the girl, she could not tell, what power had she, if not by spell; Could take hold of a man, lead him into temptation, if not by witchcraft or some incantation Her persuasion rooted in evil they deemed. Her protest heard by way of her screams. When they put her inside the old metal pot, it's with the will of the devil himself that she fought. It was said her fate would be redeemed, if her body stayed below surface Named pure again in the eyes of God by those who stood to bear witness Fully submerged, She struggled for air, Sinking, the angel with fire for hair With bibles in hand they gathered around Together they shouted while watching her drown Redemption then granted, her sins pronounced clean, by the men who condemned her to death, at sixteen -Christy Ann Martine Poem story Salem Witch Trial - Stories poems witches tales long poems rhyming poetry story creative writing poetic verse - Christy Ann Martine
Fire, God, and Love: Salem Witch Trial
 She'd stroll through the village
 eyes fixed on the ground.
 When greeted, the girl
 scarcely uttered a sound.
 Since her parents death
 a few years back
 she's lived on her own
 in no more than a shack.
 Her hair as red
 as the fire of hell,
 In the thoughts of men
 her innocence fell
 They'd follow her in
 the light of day,
 besot by her
 peculiar way.
 They'd leave their wives
 in the dark of night,
 to spy as she danced
 beneath the moonlight
 One woman swore by God
 that she witnessed,
 her reading a book
 of magic so wicked
 No wonder her husband
 held such foolish notions.
 Possessed by this witch
 and all her love potions.
 When questioned, the girl,
 she could not tell,
 what power had she,
 if not by spell;
 Could take hold of a man,
 lead him into temptation,
 if not by witchcraft
 or some incantation
 Her persuasion rooted
 in evil they deemed.
 Her protest heard
 by way of her screams.
 When they put her inside
 the old metal pot,
 it's with the will of the devil
 himself that she fought.
 It was said her fate would be redeemed,
 if her body stayed below surface
 Named pure again in the eyes of God
 by those who stood to bear witness
 Fully submerged,
 She struggled for air,
 Sinking, the angel
 with fire for hair
 With bibles in hand
 they gathered around
 Together they shouted
 while watching her drown
 Redemption then granted,
 her sins pronounced clean,
 by the men who condemned her
 to death, at sixteen
 -Christy Ann Martine
Poem story Salem Witch Trial - Stories poems witches tales long poems rhyming poetry story creative writing poetic verse - Christy Ann Martine

Poem story Salem Witch Trial - Stories poems witches tales long poems rhyming poetry story creative writing poetic verse - Christy Ann Marti...

Alive, Butt, and cnn.com: 24_andrews Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accele- rates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD up- grades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever. me_irl
Alive, Butt, and cnn.com: 24_andrews Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to
 poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your
 butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two
 minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed
 but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accele-
 rates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors
 The doctors call for specialists. The story trends
 on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances.
 Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your
 toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and
 shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The
 poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder
 with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates.
 The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel
 directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A
 candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the
 workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop
 accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and
 tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The
 poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward
 and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop
 ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event
 hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are
 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your
 house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent
 underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live
 viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole
 disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house
 explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are
 now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle
 of ascent but you should have thought of that way
 earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD up-
 grades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf
 your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken
 the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in
 enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000
 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've
 broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The
 poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your
 poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track
 you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no
 longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.
me_irl

me_irl

Dad, Fire, and Friends: GAME OF HRONE GAME OFHRONES GAME OF HRONES GAME of IHRON GAME oHRONES GAME oFTHRONES LIMITED EDITION LIMITED EDITION LIMITED EDITION GAME oF HRONES GAME oF THRONES LIMITED EDITION LIMITED EDITION LIMITED EDITION EDITION EDITION LIMITED LIMITED HEAR MY WO BEAR WITNESS t8 MTY RT GATHERS, ANDW CBEGINS 17HAE NIL MY DEATHISHA NE NUTWIFE, HOLD U E HER NO CHILDPE SA BA NO GROWW AUND W GE 1SHALL IVE N iMAY POST. IAMTHE SW NTDARKNESs. A AFCHER ON THE WAS ERSHIELD T SUAR E REALMOF ME WATCH, For E NI OG HOUSE GREYJOY STER ROLISE STAR HEAR ME ROAR WINTER IS COMINC A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH FROM THE GAME OF THRONES COLLECTION HOUSARATHE HOUSE TYREHOSE TUNIGHTS FROM THE GAME OF THRONES COLLECTION A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH FROM THE GAME OF THRONES COLLECTION FROM THE GAME OF HOUSE TARGARYEN A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH FROM THE GAME OF THRONES COLLECTION THRONES COLLECTION FIRE& BL00D TALISKER A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH FROM THE GAME OF THRONES COLLECTION SINGLETON OBAN THE LAGAVULIN A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH FROM THE GAME OF BAY RESERVE SELECT RESERVE Single Mat Fritchilhialy GLENDULLAN Daluhinnie CLYNELISH SINGLE MALT SCOTCH WHISKY ISLAY SINGLE MALT SCOTCH WHISKY A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH FROM THE GAME OF THRONES COLLECTION THRONES COLLECTION SINGLE MALT SCOTCH WHISKY AGED RESE R VE SINGLE MALT SCOTCH WHISKY EST DISTILLERY IS9 1845 YEARS WINTER'S FROST HIGHLAND SINGLE MALT ROYAL ESTD SELECT 43%vol 70 45.8% vol 70ml CARDHU GOLD RESERVE LOCHNAGAR 46%vol 700m HIGHLAND SINGLE MALT SCOTCH WHISKY SCOTCH WHISKY 40% vol 70ml 430% vol 700ml 51.2% vol 700l 12 YEARS AGED SINGLE MALT 40% vol 70ml SCOTCH WHISKY 40% vol 700ml My best friends dad is a GOT fan, and so decided to travel 5 hours by car to pick up these whiskey cases - I think they look pretty cool!!
Dad, Fire, and Friends: GAME OF HRONE GAME OFHRONES GAME OF HRONES GAME of IHRON GAME oHRONES GAME oFTHRONES
 LIMITED EDITION
 LIMITED EDITION
 LIMITED EDITION
 GAME oF HRONES
 GAME oF THRONES
 LIMITED
 EDITION
 LIMITED EDITION
 LIMITED EDITION
 EDITION
 EDITION
 LIMITED
 LIMITED
 HEAR MY WO
 BEAR WITNESS t8 MTY
 RT GATHERS, ANDW
 CBEGINS 17HAE
 NIL MY DEATHISHA
 NE NUTWIFE, HOLD U E
 HER NO CHILDPE SA
 BA NO GROWW AUND W
 GE 1SHALL IVE N
 iMAY POST. IAMTHE SW
 NTDARKNESs. A
 AFCHER ON THE WAS
 ERSHIELD T SUAR
 E REALMOF ME
 WATCH, For
 E NI OG
 HOUSE GREYJOY STER
 ROLISE STAR
 HEAR ME ROAR
 WINTER IS COMINC
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 FROM THE GAME OF
 THRONES COLLECTION
 HOUSARATHE HOUSE TYREHOSE TUNIGHTS
 FROM THE GAME OF
 THRONES COLLECTION
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 FROM THE GAME OF
 THRONES COLLECTION
 FROM THE GAME OF
 HOUSE TARGARYEN
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 FROM THE GAME OF
 THRONES COLLECTION
 THRONES COLLECTION
 FIRE& BL00D
 TALISKER
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 FROM THE GAME OF
 THRONES COLLECTION
 SINGLETON OBAN
 THE
 LAGAVULIN
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 FROM THE GAME OF
 BAY
 RESERVE
 SELECT RESERVE
 Single Mat Fritchilhialy
 GLENDULLAN
 Daluhinnie
 CLYNELISH
 SINGLE MALT
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 ISLAY SINGLE MALT
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 A SINGLE MALT SCOTCH
 FROM THE GAME OF
 THRONES COLLECTION
 THRONES COLLECTION
 SINGLE MALT
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 AGED
 RESE R VE
 SINGLE MALT
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 EST DISTILLERY IS9
 1845
 YEARS
 WINTER'S FROST
 HIGHLAND SINGLE MALT
 ROYAL
 ESTD
 SELECT
 43%vol 70
 45.8% vol 70ml
 CARDHU
 GOLD RESERVE
 LOCHNAGAR
 46%vol 700m
 HIGHLAND SINGLE MALT
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 40% vol 70ml
 430% vol 700ml
 51.2% vol 700l
 12
 YEARS
 AGED
 SINGLE MALT
 40% vol 70ml
 SCOTCH WHISKY
 40% vol 700ml
My best friends dad is a GOT fan, and so decided to travel 5 hours by car to pick up these whiskey cases - I think they look pretty cool!!

My best friends dad is a GOT fan, and so decided to travel 5 hours by car to pick up these whiskey cases - I think they look pretty cool!!

Beautiful, Bodies , and Church: 50% lVerizon 5:15 PM facebook.com S min Friends and Family of the Latter Day Saints, As our wedding approaches, Lucinda and I will be combining our souls in a very intimate, Godly, and transparent fashion. We ask for prayers in advance as we prepare our bodies for the ultimate act under God: losing our virginities. As you know, Lucinda and I are both loving, pure virgins. We have avoided any and all physical contact with each other in order to gain the witness and approval of the church. During our wedding, we will be sharing our first kiss and first Heavenly fornication on stage for all of our loved ones to witness. By performing this act onstage, we are submitting ourselves to the Spirit and Soul of the Holy Spirit witnessed by our dear friends and family. Furthermore, we believe that the joining of two souls should not be reserved for the privacy of a bedroom. We believe that an act as pure as this should be performed publically so that all may bear witness to our next stage in God's plan. When we are onstage and prepare to kiss for the first time, we ask that you begin to silence yourselves. Observe our lips touching and our warm embrace signaling the beginning of an eternity bound together. When our kids is over, we ask that you kneel and remove any hats. We will then proceed to lose our virginities on stage. When Lucinda begins to remove my temple garment, we ask that you begin serious prayer. Pray for our souls and for everlasting love, as Peter once said "love covers over a multitude of sins." When Lucinda lays her beautiful, naked virgin body upon the freshly made silk sheets, we ask for your collective "Amen!" When her virginity is taken, as you will abserve as my Virgin Penis enters her Godly Heavenly Vagina, we ask that you shout another "Amen!" Then, if you are so inclined, you may continue cheering and clapping as we finalize God's sacred deed. We thank you for your willingness to participate in one of the Holiest acts for ever consummate us Like Comment I send my congrats and prayers I really hope this is real.
Beautiful, Bodies , and Church: 50%
 lVerizon
 5:15 PM
 facebook.com
 S min
 Friends and Family of the Latter Day Saints,
 As our wedding approaches, Lucinda and I will be
 combining our souls in a very intimate, Godly, and
 transparent fashion. We ask for prayers in advance as
 we prepare our bodies for the ultimate act under God:
 losing our virginities. As you know, Lucinda and I are
 both loving, pure virgins. We have avoided any and all
 physical contact with each other in order to gain the
 witness and approval of the church. During our
 wedding, we will be sharing our first kiss and first
 Heavenly fornication on stage for all of our loved ones
 to witness. By performing this act onstage, we are
 submitting ourselves to the Spirit and Soul of the Holy
 Spirit witnessed by our dear friends and family.
 Furthermore, we believe that the joining of two souls
 should not be reserved for the privacy of a bedroom.
 We believe that an act as pure as this should be
 performed publically so that all may bear witness to
 our next stage in God's plan.
 When we are onstage and prepare to kiss for the first
 time, we ask that you begin to silence yourselves.
 Observe our lips touching and our warm embrace
 signaling the beginning of an eternity bound together.
 When our kids is over, we ask that you kneel and
 remove any hats. We will then proceed to lose our
 virginities on stage. When Lucinda begins to remove
 my temple garment, we ask that you begin serious
 prayer. Pray for our souls and for everlasting love, as
 Peter once said "love covers over a multitude of sins."
 When Lucinda lays her beautiful, naked virgin body
 upon the freshly made silk sheets, we ask for your
 collective "Amen!" When her virginity is taken, as you
 will abserve as my Virgin Penis enters her Godly
 Heavenly Vagina, we ask that you shout another
 "Amen!" Then, if you are so inclined, you may continue
 cheering and clapping as we finalize God's sacred
 deed.
 We thank you for your willingness to participate in one
 of the Holiest acts for ever consummate us
 Like
 Comment
 I send my congrats and prayers
I really hope this is real.

I really hope this is real.

Love, True, and Bear: I invite you to bear witness to true love.
Love, True, and Bear: I invite you to bear witness to true love.

I invite you to bear witness to true love.

Ass, Fucking, and Google: Anonymous 11/25/14(Tue)18:28:53 No.5853006 E >>5853020 >>5857450 >>5859006 1381741170733.png (27 KB, 144x161) google igdb saucenao igdb regex I'M NOT 5851751 >Be concubine character SURE WHAT'S GOING ON, High bluff but very basic combat skills and nothing for utility BUT MY >Supposed to be high level campaign but I'm adamant this is who I want to go with ASSHOLE ISHave to be carried through every fight basically, party thoroughly annoyed IN DANGER! N >Finally make it to dark lord's fortress Betray party and announce I love the dark lord and will do anything for him >Party locked in dungeon while dark lord and me have wedding ceremony >We retire to his chambers to consummate, at this point party telling me and DM to stop this is fucking stupid they just want to D&D not bear witness to our ERP >The dark lord turns his back on us and I reveal myself >Concubine opens her legs and epic level halfling rogue slides out of her ass >This was my true character all along www.520ard arg/srdlepic skill timfeste sSram to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinaio let t side >I've been rolling to stay hidden up her ass the entire campaign to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinate him >Concubine is just a hired NPC that DM agreed probably had an anal circumference of more than 2 inches and was willing to let it slide >One last roll >With his legendary armour removed and his back turned he never sees me coming >Shoot up there like a flash before he even knows what's happening >Destroy him from the inside like a whirling dervish >Free party from dungeons and clean up the rest of his minions >Entire group is speechless and that was how I saved the land When someone mentions Ant-Man going up Thanos's ass, this is all I can think of
Ass, Fucking, and Google: Anonymous 11/25/14(Tue)18:28:53 No.5853006 E
 >>5853020 >>5857450 >>5859006
 1381741170733.png (27 KB, 144x161) google igdb saucenao igdb regex
 I'M NOT
 5851751
 >Be concubine character
 SURE WHAT'S
 GOING ON,
 High bluff but very basic combat skills and nothing for utility
 BUT MY
 >Supposed to be high level campaign but I'm adamant this is who I want to go with
 ASSHOLE ISHave to be carried through every fight basically, party thoroughly annoyed
 IN DANGER!
 N
 >Finally make it to dark lord's fortress
 Betray party and announce I love the dark lord and will do anything for him
 >Party locked in dungeon while dark lord and me have wedding ceremony
 >We retire to his chambers to consummate, at this point party telling me and DM to stop this is fucking stupid they just want to D&D not bear witness to our ERP
 >The dark lord turns his back on us and I reveal myself
 >Concubine opens her legs and epic level halfling rogue slides out of her ass
 >This was my true character all along
 www.520ard arg/srdlepic skill timfeste
 sSram
 to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinaio let t side
 >I've been rolling to stay hidden up her ass the entire campaign to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinate him
 >Concubine is just a hired NPC that DM agreed probably had an anal circumference of more than 2 inches and was willing to let it slide
 >One last roll
 >With his legendary armour removed and his back turned he never sees me coming
 >Shoot up there like a flash before he even knows what's happening
 >Destroy him from the inside like a whirling dervish
 >Free party from dungeons and clean up the rest of his minions
 >Entire group is speechless
 and that was how I saved the land
When someone mentions Ant-Man going up Thanos's ass, this is all I can think of

When someone mentions Ant-Man going up Thanos's ass, this is all I can think of

Community, Fucking, and Girls: the white girls go Black I look around and see a new world has emerged: A society transformed and redefined in black and white black men with white women: Women who reject their heritage to experience the unique physical satisfaction of going black. Is it a conspiracy or are we the architects of our own demise Having fixated on interracial porn it has become universal, ubiquitous and unavoidable, so that it is now voraciously consumed by our women. The truth has been revealed; that the myth is actually reality; that black men are bigger that black men are better, and that with black men women experience previously unimagined sexual gratification. We have also accepted a cultural redefinition that fuels our downfall; racism is now the cardinal sin and that it might even be unconscious creates an impossible dilemma for white girls; just what is a girl to do when propositioned or touched by a black man? Rejection might cause offence, or be deemed racist, the self-doubt we have seeded means it is far safer to succumb, by letting him have her there can be no racism... But of course then it is all over, after all, once you go black...This cultural shift makes the blacking of the white race ironically self-fulfilling and inevitable... All we can do is sit back and enjoy it!! The genie is truly out of the bottle; he is big, he is black, he is hung like a stallion and he is fucking your wife and your daughter: your girlfriend and your mother. They are addicted they cannot get enough and, man, they have never had it so good!! Girls have always enjoyed the fantasy, but now they live the reality, living the dream They will never come back, just obsess, returning only to take their girlfriends with them. It is the law of unintended consequences in action, Pandora's box is open... These pages are my testament to this truth, to the new reality, it's scale and indefensible inevitability. My role is to bear witness to white flesh surrendering to an overwhelmingly voracious black power, as our women submit willingly to his every depravity... because he is Black Because there was some questioning about if this community is real or not. It is a fetish with a massive community
Community, Fucking, and Girls: the white girls go Black
 I look around and see a new world has emerged: A society transformed and
 redefined in black and white black men with white women: Women who
 reject their heritage to experience the unique physical satisfaction of going
 black. Is it a conspiracy or are we the architects of our own demise
 Having fixated on interracial porn it has become universal, ubiquitous and
 unavoidable, so that it is now voraciously consumed by our women. The truth
 has been revealed; that the myth is actually reality; that black men are bigger
 that black men are better, and that with black men women experience
 previously unimagined sexual gratification. We have also accepted a cultural
 redefinition that fuels our downfall; racism is now the cardinal sin and that it
 might even be unconscious creates an impossible dilemma for white girls; just
 what is a girl to do when propositioned or touched by a black man? Rejection
 might cause offence, or be deemed racist, the self-doubt we have seeded
 means it is far safer to succumb, by letting him have her there can be no
 racism... But of course then it is all over, after all, once you go black...This
 cultural shift makes the blacking of the white race ironically self-fulfilling and
 inevitable... All we can do is sit back and enjoy it!! The genie is truly out of the
 bottle; he is big, he is black, he is hung like a stallion and he is fucking your
 wife and your daughter: your girlfriend and your mother. They are addicted
 they cannot get enough and, man, they have never had it so good!! Girls have
 always enjoyed the fantasy, but now they live the reality, living the dream
 They will never come back, just obsess, returning only to take their girlfriends
 with them. It is the law of unintended consequences in action, Pandora's box
 is open... These pages are my testament to this truth, to the new reality, it's
 scale and indefensible inevitability. My role is to bear witness to white flesh
 surrendering to an overwhelmingly voracious black power, as our women
 submit willingly to his every depravity... because he is Black
Because there was some questioning about if this community is real or not. It is a fetish with a massive community

Because there was some questioning about if this community is real or not. It is a fetish with a massive community

Ass, Fucking, and Google: Anonymous 11/25/14(Tue)18:28:53 No.5853006 E >>5853020 >>5857450 >>5859006 1381741170733.png (27 KB, 144x161) google igdb saucenao igdb regex I'M NOT 5851751 >Be concubine character SURE WHAT'S GOING ON, High bluff but very basic combat skills and nothing for utility BUT MY >Supposed to be high level campaign but I'm adamant this is who I want to go with ASSHOLE ISHave to be carried through every fight basically, party thoroughly annoyed IN DANGER! N >Finally make it to dark lord's fortress Betray party and announce I love the dark lord and will do anything for him >Party locked in dungeon while dark lord and me have wedding ceremony >We retire to his chambers to consummate, at this point party telling me and DM to stop this is fucking stupid they just want to D&D not bear witness to our ERP >The dark lord turns his back on us and I reveal myself >Concubine opens her legs and epic level halfling rogue slides out of her ass >This was my true character all along www.520ard arg/srdlepic skill timfeste sSram to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinaio let t side >I've been rolling to stay hidden up her ass the entire campaign to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinate him >Concubine is just a hired NPC that DM agreed probably had an anal circumference of more than 2 inches and was willing to let it slide >One last roll >With his legendary armour removed and his back turned he never sees me coming >Shoot up there like a flash before he even knows what's happening >Destroy him from the inside like a whirling dervish >Free party from dungeons and clean up the rest of his minions >Entire group is speechless and that was how I saved the land Anon plays DnD
Ass, Fucking, and Google: Anonymous 11/25/14(Tue)18:28:53 No.5853006 E
 >>5853020 >>5857450 >>5859006
 1381741170733.png (27 KB, 144x161) google igdb saucenao igdb regex
 I'M NOT
 5851751
 >Be concubine character
 SURE WHAT'S
 GOING ON,
 High bluff but very basic combat skills and nothing for utility
 BUT MY
 >Supposed to be high level campaign but I'm adamant this is who I want to go with
 ASSHOLE ISHave to be carried through every fight basically, party thoroughly annoyed
 IN DANGER!
 N
 >Finally make it to dark lord's fortress
 Betray party and announce I love the dark lord and will do anything for him
 >Party locked in dungeon while dark lord and me have wedding ceremony
 >We retire to his chambers to consummate, at this point party telling me and DM to stop this is fucking stupid they just want to D&D not bear witness to our ERP
 >The dark lord turns his back on us and I reveal myself
 >Concubine opens her legs and epic level halfling rogue slides out of her ass
 >This was my true character all along
 www.520ard arg/srdlepic skill timfeste
 sSram
 to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinaio let t side
 >I've been rolling to stay hidden up her ass the entire campaign to get close enough to the dark lord to assassinate him
 >Concubine is just a hired NPC that DM agreed probably had an anal circumference of more than 2 inches and was willing to let it slide
 >One last roll
 >With his legendary armour removed and his back turned he never sees me coming
 >Shoot up there like a flash before he even knows what's happening
 >Destroy him from the inside like a whirling dervish
 >Free party from dungeons and clean up the rest of his minions
 >Entire group is speechless
 and that was how I saved the land
Anon plays DnD

Anon plays DnD

Blessed, Church, and Facts: The Founders of Greenpeac<e The Founders of Greenpeace http://archive.i Halaman 18 Desember, 2009 Da YOU ARE WITNESSING THE REWRITING OF HISTORY IN REALTIME htto/larchive.is/vx8HM On this page There's a joke that in any bar in Vancouver Canada, you can sit down next to someone who claims to have founded There's an old joke that in any bar in Vancouver Canada you can sit down next to someone who founded Greenpeace. In fact, there was no single founder, and the name, idea, spirit, tactics, and internationalism of the organisation all can be said to have separate lineages. Here's a few facts. Bob Hunter David McTaggart Dorothy Stowe Greenpeace. In fact, there was no single founder: name, idea, spirit and tactics can all be said to have separate lineages. Yet, some people clearly stand out. Here are four of Irving Stowe them FUCKING COWARD The Don't Ma Wa In 1970, the Don't Make A Wave Committee was established: its sole objective was to stop a second nuclear weapons test at Amchitka Island in the Aleutians. Committee Bob Hunter 1941-2005 He was a relentless visionary and a mystic storyteller the Canadian Bob Hunter infused the The committee's founders and first members included: FOUNDERS ARE FIRST MEMBERS . Paul Cote, a law student at the University of British Columbia Jim Bohlen, a former deep-sea diver and radar operator in the US Navy Irving Stowe, a Quaker and Yale-educated lawyer. Patrick Moore, ecology student at the University of British Columbia. Bill Darnell, a social worker with a magic that lasts to the YADDA YADDA YADDA FUCK YOU BOB NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC FAGGOTRY w of the Phyllis Cormack, first U Greenpeace trip to Amchitka Island to protest nuclear weapons testing. eardy journalist of the se around him Do Darnell came up with the dynamic combination of words to bind together the group's concern for the planet and opposition to nuclear arms. In the words of Bob Hunter, "Somebody flashed two fingers as we were leaving the church basement and said "Peace!" Bill said "Let's make it a Green Peace, And we all went Ommmmmmmm." Jim Bohlen's son Paul, having trouble making the two words fit on a button, linked them together into the committee's new name: Greenpeace For Cot Com he h story uld come be known, Marie Bohlen was the first to suggest taking a ship up to Amchtka to oppose the US plans. The group organised a boat, the Phyllis Cormack, and set sail to Amchitka to "bear witness" (a Quaker arou tradition of silent protest) to the nuclear test. On board were: Fa mi gu nam change the world with "media ould blast around the world in the Captain John Cormack, the boat's owner Jim Bohlen, Greenpeace Bill Darnell, Greenpeace. Patrick Moore, Greenpeace. Dr Lyle Thurston, medical practitioner . Dave Birmingham, engineer . Terry Simmons, cultural geographer . Richard Fineberg, political science teacher . Robert Hunter journalist.Ben Metcalfe, journalist Bob Cummings, journalist. Bob Keziere, photographer FAGGOT POLI O FUCKING Hun present day. The organisation he co-founded and shaped in a way few others have, will always be blessed with his spirit the Stowe, who suffered from sea-sičkness, stayed on shore to coordinate political pressure. Cote stayed behind too, because he was about to represent Canada in an Olympic sailing race (NOT THAT THIS WHOLE ARGUMENT TO AUTHORITY ISN'T A FUCKING LOAD OF SHIT, BUT IT'S FUN (FUN.) TO SEE THESE FUCKING DEMONS AND MISERABLE CREATURES SQUIRM IN THE LIGHT!!!) OOPSIE!! Someone archived the old greenpeace founder page and the one created in the last days and put them side-by-side. Watch memory get rewritten in REALTIME!!
Blessed, Church, and Facts: The Founders of Greenpeac<e
 The Founders of Greenpeace
 http://archive.i
 Halaman 18 Desember, 2009
 Da YOU ARE WITNESSING THE REWRITING OF HISTORY IN REALTIME htto/larchive.is/vx8HM
 On this page
 There's a joke that in any bar in Vancouver Canada, you can
 sit down next to someone who claims to have founded
 There's an old joke that in any bar in Vancouver Canada you can sit down next to
 someone who founded Greenpeace. In fact, there was no single founder, and the name,
 idea, spirit, tactics, and internationalism of the organisation all can be said to have
 separate lineages. Here's a few facts.
 Bob Hunter
 David McTaggart
 Dorothy Stowe
 Greenpeace. In fact, there was no single founder: name,
 idea, spirit and tactics can all be said to have separate
 lineages. Yet, some people clearly stand out. Here are four of Irving Stowe
 them
 FUCKING
 COWARD
 The Don't Ma
 Wa
 In 1970, the Don't Make A Wave Committee was established: its
 sole objective was to stop a second nuclear weapons test at
 Amchitka Island in the Aleutians.
 Committee
 Bob Hunter
 1941-2005
 He was a relentless visionary and a mystic
 storyteller the Canadian Bob Hunter infused the
 The committee's founders and first members included:
 FOUNDERS ARE FIRST MEMBERS
 . Paul Cote, a law student at the University of British Columbia
 Jim Bohlen, a former deep-sea diver and radar operator in the
 US Navy Irving Stowe, a Quaker and Yale-educated lawyer.
 Patrick Moore, ecology student at the University of British
 Columbia. Bill Darnell, a social worker
 with a magic that lasts to the
 YADDA YADDA
 YADDA FUCK YOU
 BOB NOBODY GIVES
 A FLYING FUCK
 ABOUT YOUR
 PATHETIC FAGGOTRY
 w of the Phyllis Cormack, first U
 Greenpeace trip to Amchitka Island
 to protest nuclear weapons testing.
 eardy journalist
 of the
 se around him
 Do
 Darnell came up with the dynamic combination of words to bind together the group's concern for
 the planet and opposition to nuclear arms. In the words of Bob Hunter, "Somebody flashed two
 fingers as we were leaving the church basement and said "Peace!" Bill said "Let's make it a Green
 Peace, And we all went Ommmmmmmm." Jim Bohlen's son Paul, having trouble making the two
 words fit on a button, linked them together into the committee's new name: Greenpeace
 For
 Cot
 Com
 he h
 story
 uld come be known,
 Marie Bohlen was the first to suggest taking a ship up to Amchtka to oppose the US plans. The
 group organised a boat, the Phyllis Cormack, and set sail to Amchitka to "bear witness" (a Quaker arou
 tradition of silent protest) to the nuclear test. On board were:
 Fa
 mi
 gu
 nam
 change the world with "media
 ould blast around the world in the
 Captain John Cormack, the boat's owner Jim Bohlen, Greenpeace Bill Darnell, Greenpeace.
 Patrick Moore, Greenpeace. Dr Lyle Thurston, medical practitioner . Dave Birmingham, engineer .
 Terry Simmons, cultural geographer . Richard Fineberg, political science teacher . Robert Hunter
 journalist.Ben Metcalfe, journalist Bob Cummings, journalist. Bob Keziere, photographer
 FAGGOT POLI
 O FUCKING
 Hun
 present day. The organisation he co-founded and shaped in a way few others have, will always be
 blessed with his spirit
 the
 Stowe, who suffered from sea-sičkness, stayed on shore to coordinate political pressure. Cote
 stayed behind too, because he was about to represent Canada in an Olympic sailing race
 (NOT THAT THIS WHOLE ARGUMENT TO AUTHORITY ISN'T A FUCKING LOAD OF SHIT, BUT IT'S FUN (FUN.) TO SEE THESE FUCKING DEMONS AND MISERABLE CREATURES SQUIRM IN THE LIGHT!!!)
OOPSIE!! Someone archived the old greenpeace founder page and the one created in the last days and put them side-by-side. Watch memory get rewritten in REALTIME!!

OOPSIE!! Someone archived the old greenpeace founder page and the one created in the last days and put them side-by-side. Watch memory get r...

Amber Alert, Bear, and Free: -23 points 7 hours ago Thanks a lot for Forcing me to be a part of this tragedy and investigation Amber Alert. 2 points 3 hours ago Oh golly, I sure hope you weren't too inconvenienced by this 11 year old's murder! -2 points 1 hour ago That is not the point. People can dog pile all they want. Issues like this clearly demonstrate that nuanced expression of real human experience is self suppressed in our culture by small minded illogical people like yourself. Why do I need to be part of this tragedy. Does the amber alert system care about my emotional well being of wishes. The fact that the child was murdered shows how traumatizing the nature of these events are and as a culture we are requiring and forcing everyone to bear witness. I am valid to have these concerns and clearly am not the only one who has concerns with this system. Your decision to frame this issue (or more likely the group think you are simply reciting as I doubt you think much for yourself) entirely around slandering those who oppose this intrusion as clearly not caring about the victim and being amoral. That is your opinion. It is not what frames the opinions of all the people who have concerns over these systems and is narrow minded. Comments like yours that polarize opinions and supress free speech are toxic. In a thread about an 11 year old murdered by her father. Very smart man needs you to know the amber alert was an inconvenience to him.
Amber Alert, Bear, and Free: -23 points 7 hours ago
 Thanks a lot for Forcing me to be a part of this tragedy and
 investigation Amber Alert.
 2 points 3 hours ago
 Oh golly, I sure hope you weren't too inconvenienced by this 11 year
 old's murder!
 -2 points 1 hour ago
 That is not the point. People can dog pile all they want. Issues like
 this clearly demonstrate that nuanced expression of real human
 experience is self suppressed in our culture by small minded
 illogical people like yourself. Why do I need to be part of this
 tragedy. Does the amber alert system care about my emotional
 well being of wishes. The fact that the child was murdered shows
 how traumatizing the nature of these events are and as a culture
 we are requiring and forcing everyone to bear witness. I am valid
 to have these concerns and clearly am not the only one who has
 concerns with this system. Your decision to frame this issue (or
 more likely the group think you are simply reciting as I doubt you
 think much for yourself) entirely around slandering those who
 oppose this intrusion as clearly not caring about the victim and
 being amoral. That is your opinion. It is not what frames the
 opinions of all the people who have concerns over these systems
 and is narrow minded. Comments like yours that polarize
 opinions and supress free speech are toxic.
In a thread about an 11 year old murdered by her father. Very smart man needs you to know the amber alert was an inconvenience to him.

In a thread about an 11 year old murdered by her father. Very smart man needs you to know the amber alert was an inconvenience to him.

4chan, Boxing, and Money: File: 1367614179202 306 KB, 1920x1080, Testosterone.jpg) Anonymous (ID: NV5MXBdM) 05/03/13(Fri)16:49:39 No.477502097 Replies: 34775037343477503776 >Be 21 year old patriarch >Standing in line at coffee house >Need that extra boost to start my 24 hour reign of misogyny >Looking forward to going to my job at Glass Ceilings Inc >Second class citizen in front of me has just made her order >Been looking for a way to oppress her for ten minutes now, no opportunity has presented itself >She begins to search her purse frantically...could it be? >The Phallic Gods of Old have smiled upon me this day. She has forgotten her wallet >My opportunity has come >Feeling the eyes of my forefathers heavy upon me, an oppression begins to grow in my pants >l clear my throat and step forward, boxing in my prey. "Ma'am >She turns towards me, eyes already filling with dread >"Allow me to get that for you >The blood drains from her face, I swear l can feel it engorging my already impressive oppresion >"N-n-no thats all right...", she stammers, estrogen eminating from every pore >This one understands what is coming >The room is silent at this point, the glory of the oppression about to occur filling the air with the scent of semen and triumph >l step even closer, my eyes meeting the barista's behind my victim >He is clutching his oppression tightly in anticipation. He nods >"T insist", I whisper, as reach for my wallet >The sound of tearing fabric fills my ears as every oppression in the room bursts free to bear witness to this display of dominance >As I place the money on the counter, the barista holds the victims coffee below my oppression so l can deposit my seed >She takes the cup from him, her eyes never leaving mine >Kneeling down before my still pulsating oppression, she drinks the whole cup >The other patriarchs gathering round and begin masturbating furiously >l stare down imperiously as she begins her transformation >Moments later she rises as a 1950s housewife >I turn toward the frightened women cowering in the corners of the coffeeshop, new wife on my arm. >"It was my privilege Anonymous (ID: tTGn7sne) 05/03/13(Fri)16:54:59 No.477503168 This is like the female version of spaghetti falling out of her pockets Anonymous (ID: eizm6KGS) 05/03/13(Fri)16:57:12 No.477503581 Bump for greatness. More b/tards need to see this Anonymous (ID: kqSaWky0) 05/03/13(Fri)16:57:46 No.477503676 Perfect Anonymous (ID: 4uQiGdq/) 05/03/13(Fri)16:58:07 No.477503734 Old but necessary in today's climate
4chan, Boxing, and Money: File: 1367614179202
 306 KB, 1920x1080, Testosterone.jpg)
 Anonymous (ID: NV5MXBdM) 05/03/13(Fri)16:49:39 No.477502097 Replies: 34775037343477503776
 >Be 21 year old patriarch
 >Standing in line at coffee house
 >Need that extra boost to start my 24 hour reign of misogyny
 >Looking forward to going to my job at Glass Ceilings Inc
 >Second class citizen in front of me has just made her order
 >Been looking for a way to oppress her for ten minutes now, no opportunity has presented itself
 >She begins to search her purse frantically...could it be?
 >The Phallic Gods of Old have smiled upon me this day. She has forgotten her wallet
 >My opportunity has come
 >Feeling the eyes of my forefathers heavy upon me, an oppression begins to grow in my pants
 >l clear my throat and step forward, boxing in my prey. "Ma'am
 >She turns towards me, eyes already filling with dread
 >"Allow me to get that for you
 >The blood drains from her face, I swear l can feel it engorging my already impressive oppresion
 >"N-n-no thats all right...", she stammers, estrogen eminating from every pore
 >This one understands what is coming
 >The room is silent at this point, the glory of the oppression about to occur filling the air with the scent of semen and triumph
 >l step even closer, my eyes meeting the barista's behind my victim
 >He is clutching his oppression tightly in anticipation. He nods
 >"T insist", I whisper, as reach for my wallet
 >The sound of tearing fabric fills my ears as every oppression in the room bursts free to bear witness to this display of dominance
 >As I place the money on the counter, the barista holds the victims coffee below my oppression so l can deposit my seed
 >She takes the cup from him, her eyes never leaving mine
 >Kneeling down before my still pulsating oppression, she drinks the whole cup
 >The other patriarchs gathering round and begin masturbating furiously
 >l stare down imperiously as she begins her transformation
 >Moments later she rises as a 1950s housewife
 >I turn toward the frightened women cowering in the corners of the coffeeshop, new wife on my arm.
 >"It was my privilege
 Anonymous (ID: tTGn7sne) 05/03/13(Fri)16:54:59 No.477503168
 This is like the female version of spaghetti falling out of her pockets
 Anonymous (ID: eizm6KGS) 05/03/13(Fri)16:57:12 No.477503581
 Bump for greatness. More b/tards need to see this
 Anonymous (ID: kqSaWky0) 05/03/13(Fri)16:57:46 No.477503676
 Perfect
 Anonymous (ID: 4uQiGdq/) 05/03/13(Fri)16:58:07 No.477503734
Old but necessary in today's climate

Old but necessary in today's climate